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March 14, 2010

SEASON 9 TOP 12 ANNOUNCED: AKA: THE PARTY DON'T START 'TILL KRISTEN'S BLOGGIN'


Kristen The Yellow Lab and I are being drawn into the light!!  We're powerless to resist the brilliance  that emanates from our television screen. After all, it is the blinding illumination of the mega-watt talent of the contestants of Season 9 of American Idol!!
But, how??!!! How to turn away from the eerie glow??
Oh, wait.  It's just Ryan's teeth. Never mind.
Last night, America was introduced to the twelve contestants who will make up the cast of the most watched television show in the country.  In the process, we had to say goodbye to four talented kids. Let it be known that Kristen isn't happy about the results. And, ladies and gentlemen, when Kristen isn't happy, something in our household gets destroyed.  American Idol voters? You owe us a new Italian leather sofa. Read more after the jump:

The first two sent home were Toddrick and Katelynn, to which Kristen says:


Toddrick never found his bearings. He spent far too much time attempting to establish himself as an arranger rather than simply showing off his pipes.  Sad that his sing-out was so impressive that, had he sung like that for the past three weeks, he might have been a contender.


Katelynn wasn't going to win, and her anemic version of Carol Kings' "I Feel the Earth Move" proved that she could never be more than an also-ran. Still, she should have outlasted at least two other female performers.  (Not that Kristen's looking at you, Lacey and Paige.) Nevertheless, no great loss. The also-rans are interchangeable, so the order of exit rarely matters...


Unless you're Alex and Lilly.   America? Kristen and I forgave you for sending a sobbing Allison home far too soon last season.  We even came to turns with Adam Lambert's second place finish. But, sending Alex home prior to Andrew, Tim, or Aaron? Thanks for depriving Kristen and myself of watching a contestant bloom and come into his own on the show.  Kill joys!!  Look what you've done:



Also, we're not sure how you all fared in math in high school, but where we come from, Lilly > Paige + Lacey + Katie. And she knows it:


Kristen says, "Talk to the tail, America! Talk to the tail!"


Also? You broke Crystal's heart by booting off her friends:



Kristen and I don't want to see Crystal in such distress ever again this season. Understood?  If she's this upset watching her friends leave, imagine the water works when she, herself is voted off.  Crystal is diabetic and can't afford the loss of fluids. Keep that on your conscience when it's time to cast your votes, America.  Not that we want to guilt you into voting for Crystal.


Enough moping. Time to move on and get to know your Top 12.  These are listed in no particular order.  Actually, that's a lie. They're listed in the exact order in which Kristen and I would like to see them voted off.  Get on it, America.

12. Tim - Kristen gets it. He's cute with his Bobby Sherman meets Jonas Brother's haircut. As history has shown, Kristen is no stranger to voting for the pretty.  However, the pretty should be able to sing  slightly better than a drunk lifeguard entertaining swooning coeds at the beach bonfire.

11. Lacey - What kind of artist do you want to be Lacey?  Oh!  The kind that sings songs. In a baby voice. Pass.

10. Paige - After last week's horrific performance of  "Smile" (Kristen, being a sensitive lab, thinks something was up with the Paige. Her emotions threw her off her game.) Kristen and I are only willing to give you two more chances to prove that you do, as Simon informed us, have the best voice in the competition. If that's true, then it's time to quit keeping it under wraps.  We have yet to be wowed.

9.  Andrew - He has a nice tone......  *crickets*

8.  Aaron - Kristen and I have every respect for tweens and young teens and their voting habits.  If they want to vote for the 16-year-old boy on their television screen, we're for it.  And any young talent who can wrangle the devotion of the Twilight crowd deserves a record contract. However, Aaron's not getting love from the tweens. He's getting love from their mothers.  Ladies? Move on.  Go watch "Up In the Air" and appreciate the "talents" of a grown man. Aaron's only chance for success in the real world at this stage in his career is to become a male Miley Cyrus. If he can't connect with her demographic, he's not ready.  Let him go, mommies.  Let him go.

7. Katie - Read what Kristen has to say about Aaron.  Kristen has no issue with Katie's voice. She's got the pipes to be a great recording artist.  But, it's not just about being able to sing. Everything has to be in place, and the time has to be right. The right time for Katie is about 3 years from now.  Darling girl, lovely voice. But, as Allison has shown, being 17 going on 30 means albums don't move, radio stations don't play you, and your fans are too old to give you a shot at being a legitimate pop star.  Send her home and let her cook a bit.

6. Didi - Remember the slow, steady nervous breakdown Brooke White had each week on stage during Season 7? Remember that?  History is about to repeat itself with Didi. At some point, sending the high-strung but talented poptress home will be akin to a mercy killing.

5. Lee - Fine. He has a killer voice.  Great. He's got puppy-dog eyes (Kristen calls them baby human eyes.) So why is it that Kristen and I are inclined to check our text messages whenever he performs? There's a desperation about Lee, not to mention a complete lack of swagger, that makes us think he might leave sooner than we'd like.  We're hoping he finds his mojo on the big stage. Kristen and I think he's got it in him.

4. Casey - Remember what we said about voting for the pretty? Continue to do so when it comes to Casey. Kristen and I think that if he finally embraces his inner Stevie Ray, he's going to blow the audience away.  But, if that never happens, even if he merely strums his guitar with his shirt semi-buttoned, we'll take it.

3. Big Mike - Kristen thinks he's got it going on.  Unfortunately, we're quite aware that Big Mike thinks so as well. Big Mike? AI voters love a good dose of humility with their awesome performers.  Just sayin'.

2. Siabhon - Pronounced "Shivon" for the non-Irish among you.  Yes.  WE KNOW. She's "weird."  Get over it. This girl has the kind of fearlessness that it takes to make a real impact on the music scene. She's got range, control, passion, and a strong sense of herself. We're already anticipating her album which might be the female version of Adam Lambert's. (Shameless plug for our Season 8 favorite's most excellent disc: For Your Entertainment.)

1. Crystal:  Again, we KNOW! The judges are all, "Oh, you're the greatest! Can we shine your shoes? Are you wearing any? We'll buy you some."  Guess what? If that makes you want to vote against her by voting for anyone other than Crystal? You're still being swayed by the judges.  So, get over your "We're such high school rebels" attitude and vote for her.  She's that good.

Next week, the above-mentioned youngsters sing the songs of these old coots:



Thanks for reading!  And hit us up again on these days:

KRISTEN'S KALENDAR KWICKIES:
Monday 3/15 - MONDAY'S MUSIC MUSINGS: Kristen picks the Rolling Stones songs that the kids should and should NOT sing on Tuesday night.
Tuesday 3/16 - TUESDAY'S TIME MACHINE: Kristen fills you in on what the Idols of seasons past are up to.  This week: Season 8.
Wednesday 3/17 - WEDNESDAY'S WHAT THE BARK?  Find out what happened on the performance show.
Thursday 3/18 - THURSDAY'S THRILLER: What did you do, America?  What. Did. You. Do?  See who got sent home, and why.
Saturday 3/20 - KRISTEN'S KARTOON KAPERS: The Bromance returns as the cast of Season 8 has unfinished business before crowning the new, new Bromance. (Or will it be a Homance? Wait and see.)
Until then:


And don't forget to check out the recaps of my partners in crime, Murghi and Shnugs, over at http://www.boredmorons.com/
They're snarkalicious!

10 comments:

  1. Yay! Kristen's back!

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  2. Kristen, I am a mom (young) and believe me --I am not voting for Aaron (or anyone this season)!! I am still hooked on Adam Lambert.

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  3. enjoyable and funny!! I don't agree on lots of points but love your sense of humour!

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  4. Yay for Kristen! I'm sooooo glad you're back!

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  5. I was worried Kristen wouldn't come back after Adam lost last year. I don't know if I'll watch this year because there's nobody good. But I'm going to read Kristen anyway. Maybe I'll watch towards the end.

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  6. good dog, Kristen, good dog

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  7. Do I need to go to the eye doctor or has Kristen been eating more than the italian leather sofa? Let's just say that she looks a bit more zaftig than I remember . . . . . . .

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  8. Dear Lesley,
    Kristen wants me to tell you that she is not fat. She is BIG BONED.

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  9. You got her all fired up when she heard "big bone" didn't you.

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  10. Kudos to Kristen! As usual, she can sniff out talent like it's the hiney of the bichon down the street. Good girl.

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