Lose the Hate at OneTrueMedia.com

Kristen the Yellow Lab and I enjoy the democratic process as much as the next person (or yellow lab, as the case may be.) We're also firm believers in the right to bear opinions, concealed or otherwise. However, what we don't care for is when people (or yellow labs, for that matter) are given the option to deny their fellow citizens the freedoms they, themselves, enjoy.

In other words, why in the hell do we actually get to VOTE on whether or not gays can marry? If they're consenting adults, shouldn't that just be - oh, I don't know - a RIGHT? Kristen says it should. But, yellow labs don't know from hate, so they place the whole homophobia issue on their very long list of stupid human quirks they'll never understand. Kristen would never deny anyone the right to love her, pet her, feed her Milk Bone biscuits all day long, no matter what their color, creed, or sexual orientation. So why do humans deny one another the right to be loving and commited to one another?

Kristen doesn't know. She's going to chew on a bone and think it over. In the meantime, enjoy this video we made. (This one's for you, Bobby. Kristen would have loved you if she had ever met you. Of all the cousins, you were a true yellow lab in spirit!)

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

P.S. Coming tomorrow!! Kristen Reviews Adam Lambert's new album. She'll also review Adam, Kris and Baby Ali's hot new singles. But, she needs to get her required 18 hours per day of lab sleep in, so you'll have to wait!

Season 8: Final 3: Judge's Choice

AKA: THREE'S ONE HEARTLESS CROWD


Kristen The Yellow Lab and I are on a short, structured home visit from The Clay Aiken Memorial Fan Rage and Depression Treatment Center, which specializes in the care of American Idol devotees who are victims of "America Is Just So Stupid It's Not Even Funny Anymore syndrome." We were shipped off to the facility after it was discovered that Kristen and I were solely responsible for the flaming bags of dog poo left on the doorsteps of every resident in the entire state of Arkansas. Since we've been in treatment, we have learned that life doesn't always go the way one wants or expects it to go. But,the tenets of good sportsmanship dictate that we embrace the final outcome and move on. Which we plan to do. Right around the time we're able to build a snowmen in hell.

What has caused Kristen and I to behave so irrationally, you ask? Well, to fully understand the answer to that we need to blog you back in time. Back to a day when hope was still alive, and Adam Lambert was still the winner of American Idol. Back, back to the month of May and The Final Three....





As you may recall, Allison did not make the cut to the Final Three because America hates redheads. Adam,however, still remains. But, the joke is on you, America! Adam is actually a natural redhead! He announced this startling news in his Rolling Stone cover interview.
Danny and Kris made the finale. Neither is a redhead. Coincidence? Kristen and I think not.




Ryan roars into Final 3 night, ready for the snapping and biting that's going to take place amongst the judges later. He explains that, this week, each of the three finalists will sing two songs. One song was selected by a judge, while another was the choice of the contestant. (Handy Tip: If you're ever a contestant on American Idol, and the judge who picks your song's name starts with P and ends with aula, consider yourself a goner.)






Ladies and gents, say hi to your final three! Kristen and I note that Adam looks confident, Danny looks strange in Allison's Slow Ride boots, and Kris looks like his usual defeated self. Toughen up, kid! The business will prove to be much more heartless than your experience on a reality TV show.

First up is Danny Gokey. He learned, on his visit to his hometown of Milwaukee, that Judge Paula selected his tune. For Danny, Paula chose Terence Trent D'Arby's "Dance Little Sister." Wow, Paula! A dance tune for a guy who can't dance. Brilliant choice. The thing is, Danny has the right voice for TTD. But, Kristen and I agree that she should have offered up "Wishing Well." Danny gives it his all, which includes plenty of shouting and doot-dooting, but it's not quite enough. It was old-fashioned and Vegasy. Randy found it dope. (Or did he say "dopey?" Kristen and I aren't sure.) Kara hated his dancing. Paula thought he was magic. Simon agrees with Kristen and me. "Right artist, wrong song." Kristen and I give Danny 6 Three Blind Mice, for bringing the cheese.

Meanwhile, Simon has taken this opportunity to throw Paula on the floor and have his way with her.


With four judges and three performers, two of the judges have to share. That prize went to Kara and Randy, who got to pick for Kris. He learns on his home visit to Conway, Arkansas (home of the one traffic light) that they have selected One Republic's "Apologize." Kristen and I agreed that this was a most excellent choice. Kinda. Kris sings it straight while perched at the piano. The reason One Republic's "Apologize" was such a huge hit was because of Timbaland's production skills. His judicious use of Auto Tune gave it a haunting, desperate quality. Sung straight? Not so much. Kris falsetto is also not one of his vocal assets, and this song requires it. Still, it was current and Kris is charming.
Randy says he could sell a million records with a song like this. Kara says it was competent, but she would have preferred an accoustic performance. Paula was proud of his bum note. Simon blames Kara for not living up to her responsiblities. A battle ensues. There were no survivors. (Not really, but wouldn't that have been awesome?) Kristen and I give him 8 three stooges for a nice performance that got lost in the judges stoogery.



Kristen is on her back, and all is right with the world, because here comes Adam! For Adam, Simon has selected U2's "One." Adam is bathed in a soft blue light. His voice is clear and pure, and the opening is absolutely lovely. Then, there is a jarring break when he moves into the chorus. He churches it up, throwing his emotions on the stage, as he shouts to us that he just can't keep holding on. He hits his trademark power note, then gently lets it cascade down a full octave. Powerful performance, but was the change up at the chorus too much for the audience at home?
Randy says he's one of the hottest three in the competition. Kara says he did his own version. Paula says "One American Idol that I'm staring at right now!" (Thanks for jinxing things, PAULA!) Simon gloats that, per his usual, he picked the best song of the bunch, and says if Adam is not in the finale next week, it will be the biggest upset ever. (Agreed.) Kristen and I give him 9.5 My Three Sons for brilliant vocals, but are taking off points for an overwrought presentation. But, Adam doesn't need our approval, when he's got a father who gazes at him like this.


Back to Danny who has selected "You Are So Beautiful" by Joe Cocker. Except he sings it "Bee-yooo-tee-ful." It's actually one of Danny's best performances all season, as he seems to have gotten lost in the lyric. Randy says mad vocals. Kara and Paula are verklempt. Simon calls it a vocal masterclass. (Um.....okay???) Kristen and I give him 9 three bears for an excellent vocal and for not telling us that this is the song he sang to Sophia on their wedding day. (Hindsight: That might have been a wise strategic move.)



Kris is up next. He tells us he has chosen Kanye West "Heartless." Kristen greets this news with a huge tail wag. For one thing, we love Kanye. For another, we know Kris will do some wonderful things with it. He does. He performs The Fray's version of the song, but adds a vulnerability they lack. Did you hear that squeak? That was the sound of the competition turning on its heel. Randy says it was dope. Kara tells him that's what she wanted him to do with "Apologize." Paula says he's the bravest. Simon says he'd given up on him, but not after that performance. And Kradam fans all over the country dare to hope, dare to dream. Maybe? Maybe an Adam/Kris finale? Kristen and I give him 9.5 Three Amigos in the hope that he ends up in the finale with his best amigo, Adam.


Adam takes the stage for the last time until the finale. He has chosen Aerosmith's "Cry." It starts off great, with Adam's powerful rocker voice giving the song exactly the right amount of ooomph it requires. Then, a near-disaster. Something is wrong with the sound mix, and a very off-key, very loud background singer drowns out the vocals, throwing Adam off the pitch. He yanks out his ear piece, gets back on track, and finishes the song with his trade-mark piercing wail. (See, that's how it's done, Danny!) Randy says he should be a rock star. Kara wonders who hits those kinds of notes. Than reminds us, "Adam hits those notes!" Paula says Adam has set the bar so high, she hopes he's collecting frequent flyer miles. Simon says no one should assume Adam will sail through to the finale. But, he does deserve to be there, based on talent. That is absolute truth. Kristen and I give Adam a 9.0 Sex and Drugs and Rock N Roll for this. For Adam, the performance was a bit off. Although, the truth is, "off" for Adam would be "brilliant" for any of the other competitors. Nevertheless, the voting public has expectations, and they are high for Adam.


Kristen and my rankings:

Three Tenor Worthy:

Kris - Heartless
Adam - One

Peter Paul and Mary Worthy:

Danny - Endless Love
Adam - Crying

Alvin and the Chipmunks Worthy

Kris - Apologize
Danny - Dance Little Sister

RESULTS

For some inexplicable reason, Ben Stiller is on our TV screen. What does he have to do with American Idol? Oh wait. He has a new movie to promote. Carry on.



It's down to these three young gents.


Because Idol was too cheap to put on Idol Gives Back this season, they give us tiny mini segments where they ask us to give money to various causes. This week, Alicia Keyes takes the stage to explain to us that we can help save the lives of children dying from malaria in effected regions of the world with a small donation. (Fact: The most deadly animal on the planet is the lowly mosquito.) To entice us, she presents us with this adorable child who lip syncs to something or other and bops around the stage.





Next, we're treated to "Ye Olde Hometowne Visits." This is the part of the show where the Top 3 gets to experience what it would be like if they'd landed on the moon, won the World Series, or defeated the Axis Powers. They are flown, via private jet, to the towns that nurtured their talent. There, they are greeted by bands, mayors, and shrieking fans.

Here's Danny's visit to Milwaukee. Danny gets the "Emotional Edit."

Here is Danny, emotionally reunited with best friend, Jamal!


Here are Danny's fans, emotionally showing their sense of humor!


Here is Danny, emotionall overwhelmed!


And even more emotionally overwhelmed!


Onto Kris' visit to his hometown of Conway, Arkansas, population 38 million text votes. Kris gets the "Mom and Apple Pie" edit.

Here is Kris, all American as apple pie!


Here is Small Town, USA, greeting Kris, their hero - totally apple pie!


And here's Kris' proud parents, including Mom!



As a show of solidarity with Adam, Kris painted one of his thumbnails. Cutie pie!


And, now for Adam's. Oh wait. They're not showing Adam's, yet. Uh-oh. Kristen and I don't like this. (Sense of doom.)

Jordin Sparks drifts out in a sea of dry ice to sing some new song or other, probably about promise rings and Jonas Brothers, but no one cares because we haven't seen Adam's Hometown Visit, and we're all nervous and in state of angst. So, go away, Jordin Sparks. (You stole Melinda Doolittle's rightful title, anyway.)


OK. Finally! It's Adam's turn to visit his hometown of San Diego, California. He gets the "Rock Star" edit.

Here's Adam being a rock star in a limo. (Kind of a wide-eyed rock star, but still...)


Here's Adam's stalkerish fans gaping into his rock star limo.


Here's a semi-naked girl jumping on stage with Adam as if she were at a rock star concert.


Here's Adam protected by a gigantic rock-star style body guard.




Next, Katy Perry enters the stage to perform "Waking Up In Vegas." Hmmm. I wonder who Katy Perry wants to win American Idol 8? Gosh. I guess we'll never know.


Time for Results! But first, Kradam gives us one more show of solidarity. Kris painted one thumbnail, while Adam removed the polish from one of his. Kristen and I find that adorable! In a junior highish sort of way. Poor Danny's all, "When will I ever be invited to the cool kids' lunch table?"


Moment of truth. Take the stage, fellas.


First guy to make the finale? KRIS ALLEN!!


Uh-oh. Simon's worried. Will his boy, Adam, take the final spot?


Simon can barely stand to watch. Neither can Kristen nor I.



And the next person in the finale is.......................

ADAM!!!!!!!! Simon has a happy!


Oh ho!! Kara has a mad!


Adam's on emotion overload:





Farewell, Danny. It's been a long, wonderful journey. You're a good guy. Kristen and I wish you well in your career. *sniffle*


Onto the finale with these two. Uh...boys? Maybe you'd care to get a room?


Best finale pair ever. Kradam:


Kristen and I will recap the finale next week. Please! It's not like you all don't know who won.

AMERICAN IDOL SEASON 8: TOP 4: ROCK WEEK

AKA: WE'RE GONNA GIVE YOU EVERY INCH OF OUR RECAP




This recap is extremely late because Kristen The Yellow Lab and I have been in deep mourning. After all, what other way to deal with the untimely loss of our lovely singing tomato, Allison? Once again, the American culture of bias rears its ugly head, and the ginger-phobes triumph over forward-thinking individuals. Kristen and I dream of the day when redheads are given the respect due them, and are no longer treated like zanies in a candy factory or scary puppets.


As for the show itself, Kristen the Yellow Lab and I are staggering our way through a haze of illegal substance, dressed in $150 worth of merch purchased at concessions, ready to throw rocker horns all night long. After all, what better way to celebrate Rock Night on American Idol? The truth is, it's been a long time since Kristen and I rock & rolled. In fact, it's been a long time since we did the stroll. Maybe the Idols can carry us back, carry us back, carry us back where we come from. We shall see.

A slightly shaken Ryan steps out on stage to tell us that it's been an unconventional day. The camera looks skyward to show that one of the American Idol globe towers came crashing down shortly before dress rehearsal, leaving the stage littered with glass. Dress rehearsal was cancelled, so the Idols will be performing cold. Apparently, in the interest of privacy laws, Ryan did not tell the television audience the full story. Debbie Williams, the world's most incredible stage manager, had an accident just before the globe fell. She was on the retractable staircase that Ryan races down pre-show, when it began to retract. With her on it. She clung to a railing, until she ended up falling 20 feet to the stage floor. As the dress rehearsal had just begun, the audience present heard a sickening thud. She was carted away in an ambulance, and thankfully, is going to be fine. But, when dress rehearsal resumed, the globe crashed. Theory. This guy put a curse on the show:


The judges are seated like so many groupies. Kristen and I expect Paula and Kara to flash someone or other at some point this evening. At the very least, Paula should attempt to make a plaster caste of someone or other's body part.

Ryan informs us that the Idols were mentored this week by the original guitar hero,Slash, aka Saul Hudson, former lead guitarist of Guns N Roses. Of course, thanks to his infamous feud with lead singer, Axl Rose, no GNR songs will be performed this evening. Currently, he is lead guitar for his group, Velvet Revolver, which just happens to be looking for a new lead singer of its own. Ahem. For your consideration, Mr. Slash:


Slash tells us that he tried something new with the Idols. He had them come down to a club to rehearse their songs, like real rockers do. The kids look appropriately in awe.

Guess who's first? Adam! Guess why? Because he rocks. He is singing - wait for it - Whole Lotta Love by Led Zeppelin! Kristen and I Kid. You. Not!! Holy Jimmy Page! This is awesome. After one of the most famous opening riffs in rock history, and after Adam tells Kristen and me he's sending us back for schoolin', and after Adam sneers at the sway-armed girls who have gone to full-tilt squealing,and after all of America agrees to carry Adam's child, he silently takes three long strides to the mic stand. There, he snarls, "Woman! You-oo-oo need .... looooooooove!" Kristen and I accept!! Randy says he's a rock star. Kara has to one-up him by calling him a rock god. Paula says he's a whole lotta perfect. Simon says it's one of his favorite performances of Adam's, but the problem is, no one can top him. This will be proven to be true. Kristen and I give Adam 10 flicks of the Bic and a boob flash.

Here's Allison! She tells Ryan that Adam hooked her up with his stylist this week, giving her some long, darker extensions and a cool rocker chick vibe. She has chosen Janis Joplin's "Cry Baby." Perfect artist, but not certain about the song. Allison definitely sounds like a modern-day Joplin. She sings with the voice of a woman who has been used and discarded, rather than that of a 17-year-old product of stage-mother. (Then again, maybe there's a similarity?) She gives a great interpretation, and honestly? If she hadn't gone immediately after Adam, this performance would get all sorts of kudos from the judges. Randy says to check it out. He thinks she can sing her face off, but didn't love the song choice. Kara agrees the song choice was weak. Paula thinks she should star in a Janis Joplin bio-pic. Simon tells her it was a terrific vocal, but too close to the original. He thinks she should have gone with the Queen song. Allison explains that her other choice was not Queen's "Somebody to Love" but Jefferson Airplane's "Somebody to Love." Simon dismisses that nonsense with a wave of his hand. Allison tries to explain the reasoning behind her song choice, but Simon sniffs that she might as well start begging for votes. Um...oh NO he didn't! Little Red isn't having any of that. She snaps that he's been telling her all along she has no personality, so she might as well go for broke and just keep talking! Uh-oh. Talking back to Simon, even when he deserves it, is always dangerous. Nevertheless, Kristen and I love her and give her 9 guitar solos and temporary hearing loss.

Now it's time for the first duet. This pairing consists of Kris and Danny, AKA: ZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. There is nothing dynamic about this duo as they trudge their way through Styx "Renegade."
Because pictures speak thousands of words,you can pretty much tell how dreary this duet turned out to be by looking at these beauties (courtesy of Murghi at Boredmorons.com. Thanks Murghster!)
The boys stand far apart as they struggle to outshout one another.


Kris screams his part with no interaction with Danny.



Danny screams his part sans interaction with his duet partner, Kris.



The two continue to show off their incredible "chemistry."


Kristen and I agree that was strange. It seemed poorly rehearsed with little effort put into either choreography or vocals. Randy thought the harmonies were good. Kara agrees. Paula babbles about it being powerful and compelling, even though the audience behind her nodded off for the duration of the performance. Simon says Danny was the better vocalist of the two, which is pointless commentary only meant to incite a riot of voting amongst the Kris fans. Kristen and I give them 4 Free Birds and a drunk roadie for not giving it their all. In fact they didn't give it much.

Kris is up next singing The Beatles "Come Together." Ordinarily, Kristen would be bounding around the room with joy, but the duet has sent her into a coma. This performance isn't helping. It's typical Kris, basically taking a song and reworking it to fit his particular brand of adult contemporary background music. You know those snippets of songs you hear on shows like Gray's Anatomy and Cold Case? And you think, "Ooo. That sounds good. I think I'll buy that song?" Then, you realize the snippet from the show is really all there is to the song? That's Kris. This is a commendable performance, but, much like last week, sleepy and a bit lazy on his part. All in all, Randy enjoyed it from a guy who is not really a rock guy. Kara felt he didn't bring it, and Kristen and I agree. Paula thought his signature was all over it. Simon thought it was all a bit like eating ice. Cold, Simon! Kristen and I give Kris 7.5 drum solos and a trashed hotel room. Kris has not been upping his game. He's a sweet kid with a nice voice. But, I get the feeling he's on cruise control.


It's time for Danny. Ooops! Oh, that's a picture of Adam. Sorry about the mix up. Here's Danny. He has chosen Aerosmith's "Dream On" as sung last season by the hot Aussie, Michael Johns. Shall I repeat? Danny. Singing Aerosmith. It's as bad as is to be expected. Well, if we're being honest, it's worse. When he goes for the scream at the end, Kristen rushes off to retrieve a duck. Wow. The worst performance from a Top 4 performer ever. What say ye, judges? What's this? Randy gives him an A+ for effort? EXCUSE US? No. Seriously. EXCUSE US? What's next? He gets a pass on the scream because he brought a note from his mommy? Kara liked his "growth, risk, and edge." Oh, please. Guess what Paula does? She gives him an A+++ for "going for it." Thankfully, Simon brings some semblance of reality by saying the last note was like a horror movie. Nevertheless, he thinks Danny will be safe, tonight. Which is, of course, true, since Danny is amazingly popular and his fan base will forgive him anything. Which would be fine, because every one of these kids is going to have an off night that needs to be overlooked in favor of body of work. The problem is Danny doesn't think he had an off night. He needs to "go back and listen to the tapes to see if you guys (the judges) are right" about that last note. You do that, Danny. Kristen and I give him nothing. We're that angry.

Now it's time for the second duet. Adam and Allison perform Foghat's "Slow Ride." Again, a pictorial will exemplify the proper way to prepare for a duet as well as the proper way to ROCK. IT. OUT. This is one of the most exhilarating performances of the night.
Duet partners take pride in one another's performances as seen here:



Duet partners sing to each other and choreograph their movements, as seen here:


Sometimes, one duet partner is so thrilled to have nailed the song, they actually leap into the other's arms, as seen here:


You want chemistry? They got your chemistry:

Compare and contrast:





Our rankings:

On The Stairway To Heaven: Adam












Born To Run to the top: Allison, Kris















Go Your Own Way home: Danny









RESULTS: AKA AMERICA IS JUST THAT DUMB

The kids rock out on stage to Alice Cooper's "School's Out" while Slash accompanies them on the geeetar.





Paula follows her cleavage around the stage while lip syncing to her newest single. Britney? Watch closely. This is your future.



Gwen Stefani frightens small children and yellow labs by going into a manic state while performing an ancient song no one cares about while wearing a lime green bra. Lindsay? Watch closely. This is your future.




Results time. Line up!


One of you is safe, Adam. Except - Oh my God! It's Kris!



It's a Kradam victory!


Daughtry returns to the stage to sing their new single "No Surprise," which will be a huge hit. Adam? Watch closely. This is your future.


More results. Someone else is safe. And it is.... Adam.


Kradam share their joy back at the stools.




And the person going home tonight is.... Allison.


NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! America is evil!!!


No!!!!!!!!



I hate you!!!!


Look what you've done, America. You made a little girl cry!



You made Adam sad for his little sister, you evil-doers!!!


Someday, revenge shall be theirs!!


Until then, these three guys are heading home for Hometown Visits. After which, they'll perform one song chosen by a judge and one chosen by themselves. The first estrogen-free Final 3 in the history of the show!

Also, the winner of this week's poll asking which is the best fan group name is The Adam Bombs!! Congratulations, ladies and gents. Thanks for voting and for being such loyal supporters of this blog. You can find them hanging out here:

The Adam Lambert Connection

And don't forget to read Murghi and Shnug's recaps at Bored Morons.

AMERICAN IDOL 8: TOP 5: SONGS OF THE RAT PACK WEEK

AKA: THE BEST IS YET TO COME


Programming note: Kristen The Yellow Lab and I apologize for the late publication of this recap. We were indisposed, having taken to our beds after a two-day drunk. After all, what better way to handle Adam's appearance in the Bottom Two this week? The yellow dame and I have a word of warning for the big Charlies at American Idol: Listen you crumbs. If you want your viewers to go scramsville, keep scamming us. You think we're a bunch of Harves? Everyone knows a finale without Adam would be bombsville. Straighten up and fly right, ya bums.

Now that we've let loose, we're ready to swing, baby! 'Cause, this week, we're off to songville where the Final Five take on the The Rat Pack! For the children in the house, The Rat Pack was a group of entertainers from the 1960's who were the clan of cool, the summit of swagger. It consisted of Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis, Jr., Peter Lawford, and Joey Bishop. If you don't recognize at least one of those names, you probably shouldn't be reading this blog without your parents' permission.



Ryan gets this clam-bake started by telling us that the intensity is a constant evolution. Who knew Paula was letting him drink from her cup? He lets us know the kids will be taking on classic American songs, and asks, "Who will set the standard?" You honestly don't know, Ryan? Hint: Rhymes with madam:







Those crazy-cool cats, the judges, are already seated, as if waiting for a round of Manhattans and a pack of smokes. (Of note: Paula is dressed like a petunia.)




Ryan trots the youngsters out for our approval, and Kristen and I agree they look like a bunch of swells! That chick, Allison, is a barn-burner in a tulle-skirted cocktail dress. Kris, Matt, and Danny are sharpsters in form-fitted suits. Adam, however, is 18 karet in a white silk tux. Ring-a-ding, baby!


The Idols have no idea who their mentor will be, particularly since, as Kris reminds us, when it comes to The Rat Pack, "Those guys are all dead." So, in order to pass the time, they decide to have an "impromtpu" sing-along to "Georgia On My Mind." Cue the entrance of Jamie Foxx, never a Rat Packer. He did, however, play Ray Charles in the bio-pic, and studied both classical piano and composition in college. Which still doesn't explain him mentoring Rat Pack Week. Oh wait! He has a new movie and a single to plug. Carry on!

One of the reasons Idol fans look forward to their favorite making the Top 5 is because they sing two songs each. Not this season! Nope. Because the judges (Kara) can't shut their pie holes in a timely fashion, the producers have cut the performance numbers down to one apiece. Yet, they then let an entire 15 minutes out of the hour pass before we hear a note of music from one of the Idols.

That first note comes to us courtesy of Kris, who has dressed for the occasion in a suit that looks like it was last worn for his high school National Honor Society induction ceremony. Nevertheless, he made the effort to wear something other than plaid, so, for that, we thank you, Kris. He has selected "The Way You Look Tonight," first made popular by non-rat pack member Fred Astaire. Vocally, it's solid. Performance-wise, it's a bit sleepy and safe. It's particularly awkward when he elects to drag the mic stand around the stage, like a toddler toting a stuffed bear by its ear. At one point, he shifts the tempo and tosses in an ungainly falsetto. Still, his adorable looks and charm save the performance, and, probably, Kris. Randy gushes that it was his best performance to date. ("Make You Feel My Love," "Ain't No Sunshine," and "Falling Slowly" would like to register a protest.) *Programming note: As a time-saving measure, Kristen and I won't be relaying Kara's commentary.* Paula thought he went from boy next door to sophisticated gentleman, which in Paula-eze translates to, "What are you doing for the rest of your life, big boy?" Simon felt it was wet and like taking a well-trained spaniel for a walk. I had no idea what he meant until Kristen explained to me that well-trained spaniels are the equivalent of "cruise ship and cabaret" in the dog world. Simon does not believe Kris can win with that type of performance. Nor do Kristen and I. We give Kris 6 autumns in New York for a nice vocal, but, now is the time when contestants must up their game every single week. Kris played it safe. Here comes Sammy to offer up some judgment:



Kristen's swinging from a star! It's the 17 year old tomato, Allison, all set to perform the Gerswhin's "Someone To Watch Over Me." Judy Garland made this an American classic, and Diana DiGuarmo won a hard-fought battle to the finale with a lovely interpretation of this in Seasion 3. Can Allison measure up? We say Yes! This week, Allison displays a vulnerability that has been missing from previous perfomances. It's spot-on vocally, and she looks the part. Kristen would love to watch over her! The only complaint we have is you can actually see her trying to keep up with the words. Lyrics are crucial to these standards, and Allison seems intent on not making an error. But, in the process, she loses a bit of the connection with the viewing audience. Randy says Yo. Paula is proud of Allison for finally tackling a true ballad. Now, Simon does exactly what he does best. He throws out a life raft to Allison, who has repeatedly turned up in the bottom 2/3. "I have a horrible feeling you could be in trouble, tonight." Outrage! The interwebs light up in a fury. How dare he criticize Allison's best performance! Well,guess what? He didn't. After 8 seasons people STILL don't recognize when Simon is lighting a fire under voters? Really? Really? Kristen and I give Allison 9.5 candyman's and soft shoe. We loved her vulnerability and the fact that she came to win, tonight. Former Rat Pack mascot, Shirley McClain, is in tune with Allison:


Matt's in a hat! That means he's going to Timberlake one of the standards, or he is finally self-conscious about the forehead mole. Or maybe he just likes hats. He's singing the Rogers & Hart nugget, "My Funny Valentine," once sung by Sinatra but most recently performed on the Idol stage by the glorious Melinda Doolittle. Mindy Doo left some pretty big shoes to fill. Matt? Can you measure up? Kristen and I say No. For one thing, Matt's flat for most of the song. He gives it a nice change-up half-way through. But, he tosses in his weak falsetto even though Jamie Foxx suggested he ditch it. Randy claims it's one of the hardest songs to sing - ever. EXCUSE us? Who delivered that piece of news to you, Randy? Constantine Maroulis? Paula thought he was impressive. Simon continues do what Simon does best. He writes Matt's ticket home by telling him he thought it was "absolutely brilliant." There's no better way to make people NOT pick up their phones and vote than for Simon to overpraise a mediocre performance. Kristen and I give Matt 5 pennies from heaven. Dean Martin adds a chill:



Danny's next. Kristen and I might use this opportunity to take a little nap. (We kid.) Danny has opted to sing another Sinatra nugget, "Come Rain or Come Shine." He roughs it up a bit, giving it a bluesy, Ray Charles vibe. This is probably one of his better performances, if Kristen and I are being honest. Danny has been compared to Taylor Hicks. The reality is, while Danny has a better voice than Taylor, he has less appeal. His stage presence is smarmy. And,truthfully? After watching the three performances before Danny, Kristen and I can't help but question, "Why is THIS guy one of the front-runners rather than Allison or Kris?" Randy Yo's. Paula can now see the finish line ahead of him, just as she's done every stinkin' week since this irritating season began. Simon liked his swagger. (Swagger? On Danny? What'd I miss?) He declares it "outstanding." He announces that Danny came out to prove a point. Kristen and I give him 8.5 shadows of our smiles because, though he is, to us, completely lacking in charisma, he can sing. Joey Bishop relates to Danny:


Oh. Here comes Adam. Kristen and I need a moment. Talk amongst yourselves.Adam obviously understood what Jamie Foxx meant when he told the kids they weren't just selling a song, they were selling a lifestyle. Ken-doll gorgeous in the white silk tux, Adam makes an entrance. He starts at the top of the Stairway To Ryan's Heaven, takes 5 full seconds to strut down the first secton without singing a single note, then purrs out the opening strains of Nina Simone/Sammy Davis Jr.s "Feeling Good." .The horns take over and Adam continues his staircase saunter in silence, gliding past the orchestra, cool and confident. THAT, Simon my boy, is swagger. He hits center stage, picks up where he left off, inserts a key change for good measure, then precedes to hit a note attainable only by God's angels and mermaids, a note he holds for 12 full seconds. He's flyin' us to the moon! That performance was so hot, Kristen is shedding copious amounts of undercoat. Randy says it was a little too "Broadway" for him. Kristen explains that,in dog lingo, he's comparing Adam to a show poodle. Paula, however, sees him as Michael Phelps. Kristen is pleased, being an endurance swimmer, herself. Simon is glad that Adam is in it to win. For another brilliant performance, Kristen and I give him 10 worlds on a string! Ole' Blue Eyes admits Adam's got that old black magic:



Our rankings:


Rat Pack worthy:
Adam, Allison









Frat Pack Potential:
Danny, Kris











Brat Pack Reunion Tour?:
Matt




RESULTS SHOW: AKA: YOU CAN'T TAKE THAT ADAM AWAY FROM ME! (And Kristen!)

Ryan tells us there were 47 millions votes, which is yet another record. Whoopee!

The kids gives us yet another great dance routine to some American standards, featuring Allison The Adorable! But, Kristen and I would like to know what they think they're doing on Adam's staircase?




That's right! Get off, and stay off!



Randy seems to be enjoying the view.


Ryan settles the kids on the stools from hell, and interviews about their weekday activities. Apparently, this week, Adam was baking a cake with Fidel Castro and his brother.



In the process, Danny displays an amazing lack of judgement by getting his 29 year old self into a food fight with the teenaged Allison, leading to some wildly inappropriate screen caps.


Ryan then presents him with a bill for $6,000 to pay for clean up of the mess he made. Danny greets it with his usual "sense of humor" by wondering why Idol can't afford to pay the bill.


Results. Dim the lights.


Oh, wait. Kids? Line up in the middle of the stage. Adam and Allison? Please hold hands as is fitting of the future Final 2. The rest of you? Stand all slumped-shouldered and glum.


Matt? Please head to the Loser side of the stage.


Danny? You may adjourn to the Winners Circle.


Allison? Follow Danny. (YES!!)



Hey, Kris. Head on over to Loser Central with Matt.


And, now, Adam. Pick which group YOU belong with. No pressure. You'll look like an idiot no matter what you do, so just go for broke.


Adam, and all the rest of the planet, are pretty sure he belongs with Danny and Allison.



Ryan isn't having it! Get over to the Loserville! says he, as he attempts to strong-arm Adam across the stage.


Ladies and Gentlemen, your bottom 3!!



Natalie Cole sings, but no one cares because Adam is in the bottom 3. Then, Ryan says he'll ease our mind by sending Adam back to safety. Except not! Kris is safe! Adam? Bottom 2!



Then, Taylor Hicks and Jamie Foxx sing, but no one cares because Adam's in the bottom 2!!! Ryan brings Matt and Adam out for the moment of truth.



Adam. You are.....


SAFE!!







Oh, yeah. Bye, Matt! It's pretty shabby that you had to be part of a producer's stunt featuring Adam. Your friends bid you fond farewell! Oh. There's Adam in your goodbye package. Yeah. It kind of sucks to be anyone but Adam, lately. Doesn't it?


Next week, these kids:



And this guy:


Make incredible rock music together! See ya there!

AMERICAN IDOL TOP 8: TOP 7 PART II: DISCO WEEK

AKA: THIS AIN'T NO PARTY, THIS AIN'T NO DISCO, THIS AIN'T NO FOOLIN' AROUND



Kristen The Yellow Lab and I are swathed in Lurex as we hustle our way to the bus stop of dreams - the raised floor of the discotheque! We're gonna get down, get down, get down, get down tonight, baby! After all, what better way to celebrate Disco Week on American Idol?

Ryan reminds us that the infamous "save" was used on Matt G. last week, thus making this a double elimination round. Did you hear that sound? It's the Idols backstage giving Matt wedgies for making their job that much more stressful. Ryan informs us that the kids will be taking on the popular dance genre of the 70's - disco. Bring on the pornstaches, gold medallions, and polyester, because Kristen and I are ready for the night fever! As these kids would say, "Let's ance!"


The judges are already seated, which means we don't get to see if Kara's wearing spandex hot pants or if Paula's rockin' the platform shoes. We do observe the Coke cups, however, which is quite apropos to the theme.


Here come the solid gold Idols! We note Adam's wearing a suit and high hair, which signals a ballad. Matt's keeping the mole out of sight under a hat, Allison looks like the lead singer for Benny and the Jetts, and Kris, apparently, just came in from changing the oil in his pick-up. Danny's starring in Grease, Anoop is in layered knits, and someone with a great sense of humor stuffed poor Lil in a cat suit.



Speaking of Lil, guess who's up first? This week, she is taking on the Chaka Khan chestnut "I'm Every Woman." Last week, Kristen and I agreed that Lil was horrid. This week, she's improved. She's just bad. She gets points for energy, but it's almost manic. She works the crowd, but manages to scream half the notes and go flat on others. Randy doesn't know. Kara tells her that she's been every woman but herself. Paula rambles on about how Lil was on vocal rest. Simon cuts to the chase. "I absolutely believe this is your final shot." Ouch. That's a kinder, gentler version of "Pack your bags." Kristen and I give her 4 toot-toots and a half a beep-beep for giving it her best shot. Van McCoy offers a prediction:




Kristen's twirling to the syncopated rhythm in honor of her cute little Kris! He has selected Donna Summer's "She Works Hard For the Money." Say WHAT?? Kristen and I cling to one another in despair. We might have to rush to the ladies' room together to sob copiously into tissues if Kris doesn't pull this off. But, wait. What's this? A totally fresh arrangement, a very cool vibe? We like it! Kris plays the guitar as a couple of percussionists pound out a Latin-flavored beat. He has a little slip-up on the vocals, but otherwise, very nicely done. Kara babbles that it could go on his record. Paula says he shops in the women's department. Simon doesn't care what kind of underwear he wears, it was a great arrangement, not karaoke. Randy shouts that he knows what kind of artist he is. Kris beams. As he should. He is, week by week, securing his spot in the finale. Kristen and I give him 9.5 whistles and a bell! And Vicki Sue Robinson sings his praises, too!




Oh, it's Danny. He's going to sing Earth, Wind, and Fire's "September." He starts the song with a Taylor Hicks-like "Whooo!" Vocally, it's a solid performance. But, the dancing is more disco duck than macho man. The truth? Danny's version of this song wouldn't get clubbers out of their seats to dance. Randy says check it! Kara declares it another solid performance from Danny. Paula claims that women of all ages will agree he has the sexiest voice, ever! (Kristen and I must not be of all ages.) Simon didn't see star power (right on, Mr. C!) and thinks it was awkward and clumsy. Kristen and I can only give him 7.5 village people for an mid-level performance at the point when front-runners need to really up their game. The Bee Gees share their thoughts.



Here comes the red head! Kristen goes all Sister Sledge because Allison is in the house, so she's got all her sisters with her! Allison is singing Donna Summer's "Hot Stuff." Oh. Um...song choice? Kristen and I aren't sure how well a 16-year-old singing about "wanna share my love with a warm blooded lover, wanna bring a wild man back home" will go over in Middle US of A. She rocks the song up, per her usual. In one sense, that's staying true to herself. In another sense, every song she sings is beginning to sound exactly the same. Towards the end, either the arrangement falls apart, or Allison makes a crucial error. At any rate, it was good. Not great. Randy agrees with Kristen and I and doesn't like the arrangement, but also agrees she's one of the best singers in the competition. Kara gives her a 9 out of 10 for vocals. Paula declares that compromise is not in Allison's vocabulary. Simon says, "All things considered, it was brilliant." Kristen and I give her 8 and half strobe lights and a quick pass under the velvet ropes to the final 3. Donna Summer herself would like a word with the youngster.



Kristen's on her back, so that means Adam's in the spotlight. He has taken the Yvonne Ellman disco hit, "If I Can't Have You" and turned it into a slow, heart-wrencher of a ballad. Once again, the heart is on the sleeve, pulsing out blood red angst. It's a gorgeous interpretation, if maybe a bit too slow. Randy says he's got it majorly going on. Kara thinks it was like Saturday Night Live and Clark Kent. (You know about Saturday Night Live, right? It's filmed down the street from Studio 57.) Paula talks about visceral emotion and feeling his pain. Simon didn't feel his pain but felt it was unexpected, memorable with immaculate vocals. Kristen and I give him a solid 9.5 shiny disco balls for originality and vocal skill. We're taking off half a point for continued use of the overwrought facial expression to convey anguish, and for the high hair. (Do. Not. Like.) But, unless Adam comes out next week in drag, this kid is on his way to the Nokia in 4 weeks. Blondie has some pointers.



It's Matt! Saved by the judges last week, it's up to him to save himself this evening. He plans to try by performing The Bee Gees signature disco-era song "Stayin' Alive." (From that movie - you know the one. Saturday Night Live.)
He Justin Timberlake's it up, making it current and interesting. But, vocally, there are some problems. Matt needs to stay far away from the falsetto. Still, this performance should put him in the final 5. Randy says he can sing, dude. Kara complains that it's not crazy original like Adam's but she liked it. (Um? Why compare him to Adam? Not fair.) Paula uses a bowling analogy telling him that sometimes he throws gutter balls, sometimes he throws strikes. Tonight he saved himself. Simon, on the other hand, didn't like the performance. "Not a fan, sorry!" He sniffs. Kristen and I think Matt came out fighting, so we're going to give him 8 polyester shirts and white belt. Ami Stewart is hopeful!



Anoop has the pimp spot! Tonight, he'll use it to perform Donna Summer's "Dim All the Lights." Oh. Things aren't looking good for Anoop. Kristen and I already decided he needed to hit one out of the disco if he wanted to stay alive in the competition. He's not doing it with this loosey-goosey arrangement and weak vocal. Randy says nice baby, nice. Kara feels he's hitting his stride. Paula says he hit a magical zone in his voice. Simon brings everyone back to reality. "Mediocre, at best. A horrible version of that song." Simon declares it one of his worst performances. Well, it wasn't worse than Beat It, which is something, anyway. Kristen and I give Anoop 6.5 bumps and a spin for good luck. Thelma Houston is disappointed.


Our rankings:

Shining Stars headed to the finale:
KRIS, Adam












We still feel lots of love for:
Allison, Danny















Death by Disco:
Lil, Anoop, Matt













RESULTS SHOW

We get a disco dance choreographed by Paula! It's actually the best dance routine on 8 seasons of Idol. Oh, but - Dear Lil: Go-go boots are SO mid-60's. Dear Adam: Thank you for dressing appropriately, per your usual. Dear Allison: Hippies didn't disco. Dear others: Discos had dress codes. No jeans. Polyester ONLY, you fools!



And lunge...


And point....


And beg your baby to come home...


In this episode of Snow White and the Seven Giants, Paula receives a bouquet taller than she.


Results. Dim the lights. Lil, stand up. Lil, we need you in this competition. But, Lil? You're going home. BAM! That was brutal, Ryan.


Just for that, Lil needs some cute boy comfort food.


Kristen and I won't humiliate the geriatric disco performers of yesteryear who graced the stage for a disco medley this evening. Suffice it to say that Freda Payne probably should have been carrying a tank of oxygen with her when she did her wheezy performance of "Band of Gold," Thelma Houston might or might not have flashed the sway-arm girls when she sang "Don't Leave Me This Way," and KC of KC and the Sunshine Band looked as if he just stopped in to Idol on his way home from an AARP meeting.

More results. Dim the lights. In a shocking twist, Adam, Kris, and Danny are totally safe. *sarcasm alert*


In another shocking twist, Anoop is bottom 3. *sarcasm alert*


Thanks to the magic power in the hand of St. Adam, Matt is safe. Allison bottom 3.


David Archuletta returns to gasp his way through a really atrocious song.

It's between Anoop and Allison, and the magic hand of St. Adam saves... Allison!! Aw, goodbye Anoop! Allison has a sad! And so does Kristen who doesn't like seeing Allison so glum.


The Final Five watch their friends on the stage for the last time. (Allison!! Cheer up!)
The kids say their farewells...


Next week, the Final Five sing the songs of The Rat Pack.


Should be a swingin' time! See you there.

American Idol Season 8: Top 7: Songs of the Cinema: AKA Royale With Cheese

Kristen The Yellow Lab and I are Huckleberry friends! After all, what better way to celebrate "Songs of the Cinema" week on American Idol? We do note that the producers are Putting On the Ritz this season with a posh new title for a tired old theme. We're also fairly certain that the young viewers have no idea what a "cinema" is. They probably assume it's a hot new cleansing treatment favored by Paris Hilton that involves a spice usually associated with buns and a procedure that is, coincidentally, also associated with buns.

At any rate, Ryan informs us that, Tonight, the Top 7 will be mentored by none other than director Quentin Tarantino. Nobody Does It Better than QT when it comes to using violence to punctuate the non-linear presentation of the plot. But, what does he have to do with a singing competition? Actually, music is an integral part of any Tarantino film, driving the storyline and defining the characters. Kristen and I agree that if there's any type of guidance these kids can use at this point, it's a lesson in how to tell a story with the music that they sing. We only hope the stories they choose to tell us tonight don't involve severed ears, shots of adrenaline administered directly through the breast plate, or anyone shouting, "Bring out the gimp!"



Rather than marching out as if they are in an Easter Parade, the judges are already seated, sipping their jumbo Cokes, like eager teens at a drive-in "cinema." In fact, it looks as if Simon is already trying to get his hands up Paula's shirt - or, as they says in the "cinema," blouse. Simon informs us that, thanks to the program running almost 10 minutes over last week, each contestant will only hear from two judges. Alrighty, then. Shout out! Little Steven and his beauteous wife, Maureen, are in the house. Apparently, Katie Couric was as well, but she's not associated with Bruce Springsteen, so Kristen and I aren't interested.


Here come the kids! Kristen and I note that Adam has gotten a hair cut, and must have donated the clippings to Lil. Either that, or her hair has grown 6 inches in one week. Danny is without his trademark glasses, and Kris is wearing a jacket this evening! Not too shabby.




Kristen's bounds around the room in circles of joy because her little red-headed lab girl, Allison, is on the screen! Tonight, she will be performing the Diane Warren song, "I Don't Want To Miss a Thing," that was sung by Aerosmith for the movie Armageddon. Kristen and I must admit that we love the way Allison accessorizes to match her hair! Truth be told, we've learned to accessorize to match Kristen's hair as well. Beige is a very yellow lab-friendly color. Uh-oh. This is not good. Allison has pitch problems in her lower register, and seems to be going through the motions of singing the song. As Time Goes By, it gets better, particularly when she gets to the bridge. But, this is her worst performance to date. Paula says she has Adam's special sauce. (That sounds illegal in several states.) Simon says she is the women's last hope (Note: Lil has yet to sing) and thinks Allison can make it to the finale. (Not with any more performances like this one, she won't.) Kristen and I can only give her 5 buttered popcorns and a Rainbow Connection for her colorful 16-year-old self! And, now for a little Saturday Night Fever for inspiration!

Here comes Anoop dressed like a college boy out for a beer run. Kristen and I have grown weary of Anoop. We're sure he's a nice enough kid, and he has a decent voice, but every performance of his begs the question: What's he doing here? Oh yeah. The judges put him through for a Top 13 Wild Card pick. Tonight, he is singing "Everything I Do I Do For You" by Bryan Adams from the Robinhood soundtrack. He gives it a nice cabaret feel with a piano accompaniment. His vocals are definitely on, tonight. Way to Fight The Power, Anoop! He doesn't want to go home, even if he is dressed for his next frat party. Randy "dawgs" him, and said it was in tune and had emotion coming off. Kara must have thought the two-judge format meant she gets to talk even more, because she babbles about pop music and continuity. She says it was Anoop's best performance, meaning she's already forgotten "Always On My Mind." Which is the problem with Anoop. Even when he's very good, he's forgettable. Kristen and I give him 8 boxes of Milk Duds for fighting the good fight. And a little message from the ladies from Nine To Five:


Kristen's primping. That can only mean one thing. Adam! Tonight, he will be performing "Born To Be Wild" from the Hopper/Fonda flick Easy Rider. Adam bounds onto the stage and gives a head-banging, hip swiveling performance that has the crowd on its feet. Not only does this boy loves eating lightening, but he zaps it right back at us with gusto. As is to be expected whenever Adam doesn't do a dreamy ballad, some people weren't liking it. "Too screechy!" says they. To which Kristen and I reply, "Then turn down your hearing aid, granny or gramps." Because we were rocking right with it. OK. The orgasmic screaming at the end? A bit much. But, the rest was what it's all about. Though Adam has finished, Paula, apparently, has not. She squeals and hyperventilates until she finally catches her breath and proclaims Adam the bravest contestant on the show ever. He walks in greatness or something equally hyperbolic. Simon says, "Vocally incredible." But, compares the performance to something from Rocky Horror Picture Show. Fine with Adam. He loves that movie! Kristen and I have decided we can't judge Adam in comparison to the others because we think he's the best every week. So, judging him on his previous performances, with Mad World being a 10 1/2, we give him 9 extra large Slurpees and a message from Midnight Cowboy:


Here comes Matt! He still hasn't learned he needs to wear a hat on performance night, so Kristen finds herself oddly hypnotized by the mole in the center of his head. Matt has chosen another Bryan Adams' tune, "If You Ever Really Love a Woman" from, as Ryan pronounces it, "Don Huwaun Day Marrrrllllllco." Show off. Kristen and I will get right to the point. This is awful. Flat in places, sharp in others, way off the mark on the falsetto. But, there's something about Matt - an earnestness to him tonight - that's won us over. Currently, Kristen and I are praying to St. Adam that someone or other will be worse than Matt, tonight, and spare him. Randy tells him he fell down in that song more than he won him. Kara says if you're going to flip it, it has to be a masterpiece. Kristen and I give him 4 JuJu Bees and Wing and a Prayer that he sticks around. Also, a mention from Butch and Sundance:



Danny Gokey is up next to sing "Endless Love," a Diana Ross/Lionel Ritchie joint from the movie of the same name. *sigh* Kristen and I certainly do not expect Danny to be over the sudden, tragic loss of his young wife. But, at some point, we do expect him to quit singing about it. It's a solid vocal, as is typical for Danny. But, it's the same schmaltz week after week. There's nothing interesting to his vocal or style of performing. At the end, he looks up, misty-eyed, to the sky, and phone companies across the nation brace themselves for an overload as women across the nation dial for the youthful widower. Kristen and I give him 8 popcorns without butter for a dry, but sound performance. And here's a little message from a Working Girl:

Kristen is wagging her tail so hard, she's swept everything off our coffee table, including the dust. Good dog, Kristen! She's excited because her darling little Kris is up next. He's just the right size for Kristen to carry on her back, so she's always happy when he takes center stage. Tonight, he will sing the not only little-known but almost unknown "Falling Slowly" by Glen Hasard from the movie Once. Let me say right from the start that I did not like this. I thought it was a poor song choice (boring), off the note most of the time, and not dynamic enough a performance. But, Kristen, being a die-hard fan of her namesake, can't get past the fact that Kris is all alone and vulnerable at the microphone singing a song about falling in love. I, however, was disappointed as this could have been a moment. Kris has definitely let his A game slide, tonight. If you're going to sing an obscure song, you need to sell it. Kris isn't quite to the point where he can completely sell an unknown song. He can definitely sell a new arrangement of something popular, and that's the turf he should occupy for the rest of the competition. Randy tells him it was pitchy from note one, and gets booed for it. But he's right. Kara, though, says it was his best performance. Um. His best performance, TONIGHT, Kara? I'd only give him 4 caramel corns for this but Kristen is threatening to eat the toes out of my new boots, so I'll up it to 8 for her benefit. Bring it next week, Kris! Fortunately, that performance won't sink you like the Titanic!


Who's left? Oh yeah. Lil. She's doing a horrific job singing Bette Midler's "The Rose" from the movie of the same name. By far the worst performance of the night, and her worst of the season. Thank you, Lil, for possibly save Matt. Uh-oh. Paula doesn't even bother to tell her she looks lovely. She cuts right to the chase. "Lil, sometimes the road is long, but it's worthwhile to make it this far." Simon tells her she got it all wrong, too soft, too slow too middle of the road. Lil sasses back. She complains that they keep telling her to be an artist. She feels she achieved that goal. Kristen and I feel she didn't. Therefore, we're not giving her anything. In fact, we demand a refund on our cinema ticket for that mess. You just give us a big chill, Lil.

Our Rankings:

Superfly week after week:
Adam









Still our Fair Lady, even with her weakest performance to date:
Allison










Still able to give us that sweet Sound of Music:
Danny, Kris, Anoop







Should be Gone With the Wind very soon:
Lil, Matt




RESULTS SHOW: AKA The Matt Show

This is American Idol, so there is the obligatory Ford commercial. This one is performed to Freeze Frame by J. Geils Band with Matt as the featured vocalist. Next, the Top 7 perform Flash Dance, also featuring Matt. Kara and Paula have decided they want to be Idols as well, so sing and perform along.


Zac Efron is the audience. (Who? asks Kristen.) He's there to promote his new movie, 17 Again. The kids helped promote it as well by attending the premiere. They got to ride in limos! Adam says his favorite part of the movie was the cheerleaders, thus inciting Twilight loving teens everywhere to frantically text one another, "See? He's so not gay!! Eeeeee!" (Oh sweet innocent youth!)



Reults time! Dim the lights, peoples. Allison and Adam? You are safe! Anoop? Take a chair. (Yawn.)


Jennifer Hudson sings her new single "If This Isn't Love," and it's not the one from Finians Rainbow. She's lovely. The song, however, bores Kristen and I to tears. Girlfriend is pure class, though.


Lil sasses to the judges yet again, only to learn that Kris is safe and she is bottom 3. Danny safe. Matt bottom 3.


While sitting in the uncomfortable stools. the bottom 3 is forced to endure the atonal vocals of Miley Cyrus, a girl who probably has more money than Simon, yet wouldn't have made it to Hollywood on this very show.


Ryan sends one of the kids back to the Sofas of Safety, and that person is Anoop. (Yawn) Ryan announces the person potentially going home is Matt. Lil is safe. (Boo! Who voted for her? Oh, yeah. The people at VFTW. Hmmph.)

Now, it's up to Matt to prove to the judges that he deserves to stay. He isn't doing much better than he did last night, but the crowd is obviously behind him. They're on their feet, cheering him on, as are his fellow Idols. Except Lil who wants them to keep the save to use on her next week.



The judges debate, and the crowd begins to chant, "Save! Save! Save!" Simon calls for order. "You don't have a chance of winning this thing," he tells Matt.


"But the good news is, you'll be back next week." Pandamonium!! The Idols rush to grab their pal.



*In a recent interview, Simon said they decided to save Matt because next week is the last week to use the save. They all feel Anoop will be in the bottom next week, and they already decided they wouldn't use the save on him. Kristen and I call shenanigans. They've been shoving Matt down our throats since the beginning. He was not voted in, but placed in by the judges as a wild card. He has been in the bottom twice before this despite the judges insisting he is a front-runner and one of the best vocalists. They've had him sing last when he wasn't the best of the night and have kept him securely in the top half of the show almost every week. We weren't surprised they saved him. But, now he'll suffer the fate of being voted off twice after never actually being voted in. Also, Kristen and I think they do not want to be forced to use it on Lil, who has proven to be nothing but a disappointment.

But, we're happy it provided the kids this bonding moment. Hey! Paula wants in!


She's desperate. Won't someone hear her plea?


Two kind souls take pity on her.


Quick poll results! Thanks to the ladies at Castrocopia.com and theadamlambertconnection.com for being heavy hitters!
The winner of who should be in the finale with Adam with 63% of the vote? Allison! An Alladam finale!



In second place with 29% of the vote is Kris, for a Kradam final two.



Next week, this group will get out their their their their boogie shoes for Disco!

See you all then! Thanks to the lovely Top Idol for use of her screen caps. Check out her blog this week! She's got an insider report from the results show. As always, don't forget to read Bored Morons, and check out this week's episode of The Bromance.

AMERICAN IDOL 8: TOP 8: SONGS FROM THE YEAR YOU WERE BORN: Tears At the Birthday Party

Kristen The Yellow Lab and I are wearing pointy hats, swinging at pinatas, and praying for a pony. After all, what better way to celebrate Birthday Week on American Idol? Happy the Clown bounds out to inform us that this week, the Idols will be singing songs that were hits during the year of their birth! Oh wait. That's just Ryan.


With the Idols lined up on the Stairway to Stardom, he points out to us that when each of these Idols was born, they came wrapped in a dream - the dream of super stardom. Now, the opportunity to gift these young things with said dream lies in our hands! For this is American Idol. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kristen and I aren't interested. We just want to get to the frosting on the cake. (AKA: Adam.)


The judges bob in their seats like birthday balloons, snickering and nudging one another as we, the viewing audience, are forced to endure a slide show of their own baby pictures. Of note: Paula was apparently born at the age of 6, and Ryan was a buck-toothed carrot-top (so cute!)









First of the night is Danny Gokey, born April 24, 1980.
Because he is an earthy Taurus, Danny is not prone to risk-taking. He proves that by choosing Mickey Gilley's 1980 version of Leiber and Stroller's "Stand By Me." It's not an exciting choice, but he churches it up a bit with some runs and a mild gospel vibe. Nice performance, but very safe. Kristen's not going to play Pin The Tail On The Gokey, as Danny seems to be figuring out how to downplay some of the over-the-top antics that made him unwatchable in the early rounds. Randy tells him he's got talent. Kara says something or other (Kristen and I don't have the attention span to follow Kara's arm motions much less her verbalizations.) Paula calls him amazing. Simon gives him the Three Bears critique: the beginning was okay, the middle lazy, and the end great. Kristen and I give Danny 8 and half candles and a box of Cracker Jacks for a fairly predictible, but solid performance. 1980 crooner, Christopher Cross, weighs in:




Kristen's tail is in overdrive, which can only mean one thing. Kute Kris! We learn that he was born June 21, 1985, making him a Gemini.
Because of his dual nature, Kris can make a good choice one week and a bad one the next. This is the bad choice week as he has selected Don Henley's "All She Wants To Do Is Dance," which he opts to sing while standing in the middle of the sway-armed girls. The first bad choice was the song, which is lyric-driven. The second bad choice was the staging as he could have sold the song better if he were free to move around in front of the audience. Third, the strange, jazzy arrangement that involved blaring horns and an awkward beat that destroyed the integrity of the the lyric. Kristen worries that he might lose out in a game of musical chairs, tomorrow. Kara says it was like jazz funk homework. Paula calls him likeable. Simon says it was boring and indulgant. Kristen and I guess it's Randy's job to make sense, tonight, as he explains to Kris that he's the one in the competition, not the song. Yep.
Song choice is everything, but it's ultimately about being able to deliver it. Kristen and I give him 7 candles and a pack of Spongebob Squarepants stickers. 1985 icon, Madonna, gives her advise:



Here comes Lil! Kristen and I learn that she's a Scorpio, born November 14, 1984. As a fellow Scorp, it's true that we can be obsessive and obstinate. Lil displays these tendencies by picking yet another song that's too big for her performance skills: Tina Turner's "What's Love Got To Do With it." She looks good, tonight, showing off her legs in a short skirt and heels. But, she moves around the stage like a third-rate Tina Turner impersonator.Vocally, she has good moments. But, the sloppy placement of her mouth highlights her accent which puts clumsy emphasis on the wrong syllables. She does bring it with the power notes. Kristen rudely notes that Lil could serve cake off of her ass. Paula tells her she needed to tell Rickey Minor to take the reigns for a song that is a classic. Simon says it was ghastly and fears they've lost her. Randy complains that she's not listening to them. Kara tells her she's struggling to make the leap from singer to artist. Lil looks distraught, but, once again, promises that if America puts her through, she'll bring it next week. Kristen and I believe in second chances, but not third, or fourth. We're only giving her 4 candles and a paper noisemaker for continuing to disappoint. Even Phil Collins can't think of anything kind to say:



Anoop tells us he was born December 20,1986, which is the same day as Season 7 winner David Cook. Which is the most irrelevant piece of information he's provided to date. This does mean, however, that Anoop is a Sagittarius.
Therefore, he is honest and straight forward, which explains why he feels the need to apologize to Kara for the way he responded to her criticism last week. Did you hear that sound, Anoop? It was America responding with a collective, "Huh?" Anoop! That was an entire week ago! Who can remember? Just go sing the lovely "True Colors" by Cyndi Lauper. This week, Anoop slows down the pace, and it's a nice performance. Vocally, he's strong, but doesn't provide much color. Kristen thinks Anoop deserves an extra scoop of ice cream this week. Randy gives him props. Kara thought he controlled the song rather than letting the song control him. Paula feels his voice is like satin (probably like the sheets she'd love to roll in with him.) Simon tells him he took a girl's song and made it his own. Kristen and I give Anoop 8 candles and game of pin the tail on the donkey. Meanwhile, 1986 superstar, Prince, offers these words:




Kristen is having a difficult time choosing between which pair of shoes she'd like to devour during Scott's upcoming performance - my Italian leather driving shoes or my fuscia pumps.
I'm thinking of doing a suduko puzzle, myself. We've found that Scott, born June 22, 1985, and therefore a Cancer, is clingy and can't let go. He keeps lasting week after week after week. This week, he plans to stick around by performing Survivor's "The Search Is Over" while playing electric guitar. His performance is animatronic and awkward. It's not just the worst performance of the night, but probably of the entire season. Kristen is reminded of popping balloons and scary clowns. Kara says it wasn't his best. Paula thought he should have played accoustic guitar and says some of the high notes came off as screechy, yet she sums it all up with "but overall, bravo!" Simon says it was atrocious. Randy wants him to leap off the stage (vocally.) Kristen and I give him 1 and a half candles and a noisemaker. 1985 supergroup Wham! has this to say:




Kristen jumps up and bounds across the room! Here comes Allison! The adorable red-headed teenager was born April 27, 1992, making her a Taurus.
Taurus are persistent and determined. Therefore,even with two trips to the bottom 3 under her belt, Allison isn't ready to give up. She has chosen Bonnie Raitt's classic "I Can't Make You Love Me." It starts off beautifully, a very honest interpretation. She slips into rocker-chick mode half-way through, but that's all right. It's a great performance. Kristen gives her the door prize! Paula knows it's Allison from the first note. Simon thought it was great but is worried about her personality. Randy says it was dope. Kara wants to go make a record. Kristen and I give her 9 and a half candles and a bottle of bubbles! 1992 sultry singers, En Vogue, tell Allison:




It's Matt! Born May 11, 1985, he's the third Taurus of the night. Taurus can be very inflexible and resistent. But, tonight, Matt finally understands that his strong suit is R&B. He has chosen Stevie Wonder's Part Time Lover, to which Kristen and I say, "You've got to be kidding."
But, he changes it up, giving it a smooth, Timberlake-ish vibe. It's not his best vocal and his stage presence leaves something to be desired. But, it's a huge improvement from last week. Kristen thinks he deserves a corner piece of birthday cake plus one of the candy flowers. Randy calls it the best vocal of the night. (What??) Kara says it was unbelievable. (What???) Paula says, "Two words. Standing O!" (WHAT????) Simon says it was a huge improvement over last week and well-done. Kristen and I give him 8 candles and a plastic water pistol. Former member of The Eagles and 1985 solo artist Glenn Frey has this to say:



Kristen is licking the TV screen, which can only mean one thing. Adam! We learn he was born January 29, 1982, making him an Aquarius. This means he is original and inventive. This week, he has made a very original choice with Tears For Fears "Mad World." He opts for the Gary Jules/Michael Andrews version. The stage is bathed from underneath by a soft blue light, giving the illusion that Adam is floating. He sits alone on a white chair, very Edith Piaf. It's a stunning performance, ethereal and haunting with an emotional connect even beyond the level of Tracks of My Tears. What Adam does in one minute and a half is tell us his story. By the time he overshoots the last note, the audience is so emotionally invested
that it doesn't matter. Simon tells him, "The bad news is we've run out of time. The good news I'm the only one who is going to speak. I think this is all that needs to be said." He gives Adam a standing ovation. Kristen and I give Adam 10 candles and a pony ride! 1982 punk rocker, Billy Idol, has this to say:


Our rankings:


The gifted: ADAM, Allison







Still the Tops: Matt, Danny









We'd cry if they left: Anoop, Kris










Noisemakers: Lil, SCOTT






RESULTS SHOW


Ryan jokes that Simon was born the same year Frankie Avalon recorded "Venus." We're treated to a clip of Frankie singing that very song when the stage doors slide open, and out strolls a well-preserved if slightly over-processed Frankie!

He's still in good form. So much so, even the swaying girls in the audience squeel when he shakes their hands.

This is followed by one of the worst group sings of the season, "Can't Get You Out of My Head." Of course, this does give Kristen and I the opportunity to observe our potential Final 2 in action.

Then there's this potential Final 2:





Next, we get to see how the kids make the infamous Ford Commercials. This week, the theme is Magic Show. Hmm. Final 2?




Time for results. Ryan reminds us that last night's show ran late. In fact, it ran
eight minutes over, meaning that people who DVRed the program completely missed Adam's performance. It also means people had begun voting by the time Adam took the stage. To compensate, Ryan reminds everyone that Simon gave Adam the first standng ovation he has ever given to a competitor. He also gives the other judges an opportunity to rain praise down on Adam. Nice gesture, but too little too late. Fortunately, Adam is safe. Kris? Also safe. Anoop? Stool-bound.


Next is a performance by Flo Rider of his #1 hit "Right Round." Hopefully, the kiddies were in bed for this. Nothing like having a song about a sex act performed on a PG rated family show. Oh, and Flo Rida needs to lay off the steroids.



Back to results. Danny and Matt are safe. Scott is escorted to the Stools of Doom. It's between Lil and Allison. Kristen and I are prepared to flounce out of the room, determined to never watch the show again if Allison is in the bottom 3. But, she's not!! Allison: Safe. Lil: See ya!

Now, Season 5 dimwit, Kellie Pickler, comes onstage to humiliate herself.
She sings her new single "Best Days," and does it very badly while saucily cozying up to Simon Cowell. Kristen and I don't approve.




Back to results. Lil is safe, meaning it's down to Scott and Anoop. Ryan tells us that it is Scott who will be leaving us if the judges don't use the save on him.


Scott begins to sing, and you can feel the pull of the studio audience through the TV screen.









Even the kids back at the Sofas of Safety seem to be on his side.
Kara and Paula are gesturing to Simon frantically. Simon tells Scott the decision was difficult. Two want to save him, two did not. Scott pipes up with, "I can please you in other weeks, Simon!" Oh, Scott. That ranks up there with Kristy Lee promising to blow Simon out of his socks. Simon tells him his journey is over. Paula makes a little speech, and we all watch Scotty's AI experience on screen to the tune of Carrie Underwood's "Home Sweet Home."

The kids say goodbye to Scott, who seems like such a nice guy, Kristen and I only wish he were a better singer so we could have rooted for him.



Next week, this crowd sings songs from movie soundtracks with special guest mentor Quentin Tarrantino. Let's hope no one loses an ear.

Once again, mad love to Murghi at boredmorons.com for the screen caps. Don't forget to check out the brilliant recaps of Shnuglet, Murghi, and AJ Violet. Special thanks to the ladies and gents at Adam's fansite, The Adam Lambert Connection for taking last week's poll. (Be sure to check out the site and visit the picture gallary which has some of the best screen captures around.) Poll results?
58% prefer Adam's get-up for Ring of Fire (LSD Elvis.)



23% loved the Pete Wentz emo rocker look for Satisfaction.


18% preferred his stripped down look for Tracks of My Tears:



And finally, 7% wouldn't mind if he returned to the Jonas Step-Brother effect of Black And White:




Take this week's poll to pick who you'd like to see in the finale with Adam.

See ya next Thursday! Oh, and don't forget to download a copy of Michael Johns' first single off of his new album. The single is called "Heart On My Sleeve" and is available April 14 on iTunes and Amazon.com. Luvs ya!