Total Pageviews

May 10, 2009



This recap is extremely late because Kristen The Yellow Lab and I have been in deep mourning. After all, what other way to deal with the untimely loss of our lovely singing tomato, Allison? Once again, the American culture of bias rears its ugly head, and the ginger-phobes triumph over forward-thinking individuals. Kristen and I dream of the day when redheads are given the respect due them, and are no longer treated like zanies in a candy factory or scary puppets.

As for the show itself, Kristen the Yellow Lab and I are staggering our way through a haze of illegal substance, dressed in $150 worth of merch purchased at concessions, ready to throw rocker horns all night long. After all, what better way to celebrate Rock Night on American Idol? The truth is, it's been a long time since Kristen and I rock & rolled. In fact, it's been a long time since we did the stroll. Maybe the Idols can carry us back, carry us back, carry us back where we come from. We shall see.

A slightly shaken Ryan steps out on stage to tell us that it's been an unconventional day. The camera looks skyward to show that one of the American Idol globe towers came crashing down shortly before dress rehearsal, leaving the stage littered with glass. Dress rehearsal was cancelled, so the Idols will be performing cold. Apparently, in the interest of privacy laws, Ryan did not tell the television audience the full story. Debbie Williams, the world's most incredible stage manager, had an accident just before the globe fell. She was on the retractable staircase that Ryan races down pre-show, when it began to retract. With her on it. She clung to a railing, until she ended up falling 20 feet to the stage floor. As the dress rehearsal had just begun, the audience present heard a sickening thud. She was carted away in an ambulance, and thankfully, is going to be fine. But, when dress rehearsal resumed, the globe crashed. Theory. This guy put a curse on the show:

The judges are seated like so many groupies. Kristen and I expect Paula and Kara to flash someone or other at some point this evening. At the very least, Paula should attempt to make a plaster caste of someone or other's body part.

Ryan informs us that the Idols were mentored this week by the original guitar hero,Slash, aka Saul Hudson, former lead guitarist of Guns N Roses. Of course, thanks to his infamous feud with lead singer, Axl Rose, no GNR songs will be performed this evening. Currently, he is lead guitar for his group, Velvet Revolver, which just happens to be looking for a new lead singer of its own. Ahem. For your consideration, Mr. Slash:

Slash tells us that he tried something new with the Idols. He had them come down to a club to rehearse their songs, like real rockers do. The kids look appropriately in awe.

Guess who's first? Adam! Guess why? Because he rocks. He is singing - wait for it - Whole Lotta Love by Led Zeppelin! Kristen and I Kid. You. Not!! Holy Jimmy Page! This is awesome. After one of the most famous opening riffs in rock history, and after Adam tells Kristen and me he's sending us back for schoolin', and after Adam sneers at the sway-armed girls who have gone to full-tilt squealing,and after all of America agrees to carry Adam's child, he silently takes three long strides to the mic stand. There, he snarls, "Woman! You-oo-oo need .... looooooooove!" Kristen and I accept!! Randy says he's a rock star. Kara has to one-up him by calling him a rock god. Paula says he's a whole lotta perfect. Simon says it's one of his favorite performances of Adam's, but the problem is, no one can top him. This will be proven to be true. Kristen and I give Adam 10 flicks of the Bic and a boob flash.

Here's Allison! She tells Ryan that Adam hooked her up with his stylist this week, giving her some long, darker extensions and a cool rocker chick vibe. She has chosen Janis Joplin's "Cry Baby." Perfect artist, but not certain about the song. Allison definitely sounds like a modern-day Joplin. She sings with the voice of a woman who has been used and discarded, rather than that of a 17-year-old product of stage-mother. (Then again, maybe there's a similarity?) She gives a great interpretation, and honestly? If she hadn't gone immediately after Adam, this performance would get all sorts of kudos from the judges. Randy says to check it out. He thinks she can sing her face off, but didn't love the song choice. Kara agrees the song choice was weak. Paula thinks she should star in a Janis Joplin bio-pic. Simon tells her it was a terrific vocal, but too close to the original. He thinks she should have gone with the Queen song. Allison explains that her other choice was not Queen's "Somebody to Love" but Jefferson Airplane's "Somebody to Love." Simon dismisses that nonsense with a wave of his hand. Allison tries to explain the reasoning behind her song choice, but Simon sniffs that she might as well start begging for votes. Um...oh NO he didn't! Little Red isn't having any of that. She snaps that he's been telling her all along she has no personality, so she might as well go for broke and just keep talking! Uh-oh. Talking back to Simon, even when he deserves it, is always dangerous. Nevertheless, Kristen and I love her and give her 9 guitar solos and temporary hearing loss.

Now it's time for the first duet. This pairing consists of Kris and Danny, AKA: ZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. There is nothing dynamic about this duo as they trudge their way through Styx "Renegade."
Because pictures speak thousands of words,you can pretty much tell how dreary this duet turned out to be by looking at these beauties (courtesy of Murghi at Thanks Murghster!)
The boys stand far apart as they struggle to outshout one another.

Kris screams his part with no interaction with Danny.

Danny screams his part sans interaction with his duet partner, Kris.

The two continue to show off their incredible "chemistry."

Kristen and I agree that was strange. It seemed poorly rehearsed with little effort put into either choreography or vocals. Randy thought the harmonies were good. Kara agrees. Paula babbles about it being powerful and compelling, even though the audience behind her nodded off for the duration of the performance. Simon says Danny was the better vocalist of the two, which is pointless commentary only meant to incite a riot of voting amongst the Kris fans. Kristen and I give them 4 Free Birds and a drunk roadie for not giving it their all. In fact they didn't give it much.

Kris is up next singing The Beatles "Come Together." Ordinarily, Kristen would be bounding around the room with joy, but the duet has sent her into a coma. This performance isn't helping. It's typical Kris, basically taking a song and reworking it to fit his particular brand of adult contemporary background music. You know those snippets of songs you hear on shows like Gray's Anatomy and Cold Case? And you think, "Ooo. That sounds good. I think I'll buy that song?" Then, you realize the snippet from the show is really all there is to the song? That's Kris. This is a commendable performance, but, much like last week, sleepy and a bit lazy on his part. All in all, Randy enjoyed it from a guy who is not really a rock guy. Kara felt he didn't bring it, and Kristen and I agree. Paula thought his signature was all over it. Simon thought it was all a bit like eating ice. Cold, Simon! Kristen and I give Kris 7.5 drum solos and a trashed hotel room. Kris has not been upping his game. He's a sweet kid with a nice voice. But, I get the feeling he's on cruise control.

It's time for Danny. Ooops! Oh, that's a picture of Adam. Sorry about the mix up. Here's Danny. He has chosen Aerosmith's "Dream On" as sung last season by the hot Aussie, Michael Johns. Shall I repeat? Danny. Singing Aerosmith. It's as bad as is to be expected. Well, if we're being honest, it's worse. When he goes for the scream at the end, Kristen rushes off to retrieve a duck. Wow. The worst performance from a Top 4 performer ever. What say ye, judges? What's this? Randy gives him an A+ for effort? EXCUSE US? No. Seriously. EXCUSE US? What's next? He gets a pass on the scream because he brought a note from his mommy? Kara liked his "growth, risk, and edge." Oh, please. Guess what Paula does? She gives him an A+++ for "going for it." Thankfully, Simon brings some semblance of reality by saying the last note was like a horror movie. Nevertheless, he thinks Danny will be safe, tonight. Which is, of course, true, since Danny is amazingly popular and his fan base will forgive him anything. Which would be fine, because every one of these kids is going to have an off night that needs to be overlooked in favor of body of work. The problem is Danny doesn't think he had an off night. He needs to "go back and listen to the tapes to see if you guys (the judges) are right" about that last note. You do that, Danny. Kristen and I give him nothing. We're that angry.

Now it's time for the second duet. Adam and Allison perform Foghat's "Slow Ride." Again, a pictorial will exemplify the proper way to prepare for a duet as well as the proper way to ROCK. IT. OUT. This is one of the most exhilarating performances of the night.
Duet partners take pride in one another's performances as seen here:

Duet partners sing to each other and choreograph their movements, as seen here:

Sometimes, one duet partner is so thrilled to have nailed the song, they actually leap into the other's arms, as seen here:

You want chemistry? They got your chemistry:

Compare and contrast:

Our rankings:

On The Stairway To Heaven: Adam

Born To Run to the top: Allison, Kris

Go Your Own Way home: Danny


The kids rock out on stage to Alice Cooper's "School's Out" while Slash accompanies them on the geeetar.

Paula follows her cleavage around the stage while lip syncing to her newest single. Britney? Watch closely. This is your future.

Gwen Stefani frightens small children and yellow labs by going into a manic state while performing an ancient song no one cares about while wearing a lime green bra. Lindsay? Watch closely. This is your future.

Results time. Line up!

One of you is safe, Adam. Except - Oh my God! It's Kris!

It's a Kradam victory!

Daughtry returns to the stage to sing their new single "No Surprise," which will be a huge hit. Adam? Watch closely. This is your future.

More results. Someone else is safe. And it is.... Adam.

Kradam share their joy back at the stools.

And the person going home tonight is.... Allison.

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! America is evil!!!


I hate you!!!!

Look what you've done, America. You made a little girl cry!

You made Adam sad for his little sister, you evil-doers!!!

Someday, revenge shall be theirs!!

Until then, these three guys are heading home for Hometown Visits. After which, they'll perform one song chosen by a judge and one chosen by themselves. The first estrogen-free Final 3 in the history of the show!

Also, the winner of this week's poll asking which is the best fan group name is The Adam Bombs!! Congratulations, ladies and gents. Thanks for voting and for being such loyal supporters of this blog. You can find them hanging out here:

The Adam Lambert Connection

And don't forget to read Murghi and Shnug's recaps at Bored Morons.