AMERICAN IDOL 12: TOP 6 PERFORM SONGS OF BACHARACH AND DAVID

AKA: ANYONE WHO HAD A HEART WOULD NOT ALLOW THESE KIDS TO MASSACRE THESE SONGS

Kristen the Yellow Lab and I are sitting outside as raindrops keep falling on our heads pondering the universal question. "What's it all about, Alfie?" After all, what better way to celebrate Bacharach and David week on American Idol? Unless it's by binge-viewing old episodes of Angie Dickinson in Police Woman.

Oh look! It's the Carpenters, Richard and Karen, come to pay tribute to the brilliant song-writing team! No wait, that's just Ryan trying to woo Kristen.

"I long to be close to you, Kristen!"

Meanwhile, the judges are trying to find the way to a town in California!

"Do you know the way, Kristen?"

Let the old-timey tunage begin!

Up first is  Angie singing the melancholy Anyone Who Has a Heart.  In Angie's hands, it goes from brooding to catatonic. Her performance is robotic with no connection to the lyric. Truthfully, she seems to be out of her game tonight.. The judges agree, and  Mariah notes that she tends to over-pronounce her words, something which causes  her performances to sound stilted. Kristen knows Angie can sing, but this song was definitely missing Those Magic Moments.

Here comes Amber all ready to perform the corny Say a Little Prayer.  Vocally, she has some pitch problems. Emotionally, there is absolutely no connection to the song at all. Kristen and I feel that if someone asked Amber what the lyrics meant she would reply, "Prayer?"   Startlingly, the judges disagree with Kristen!! Nicki bows down to her, while Randy declares the competition has finally started!  Kristen is just going to Walk On By that over-pimping nonsense because:

 Laz has elected to sing the massive Carpenter's hit, Close To You. It is so bad, it is an embarrassment of riches - pitchy, off the beat, smarmy, lost lyrics. Kristen says, with Laz, There's Always Something There To Remind Her that he has no business being in this stage of the competition.  The judges can't say enough bad things about this performance because even if they were told not to be too hard on the kid in order to avoid the sympathy vote phenomenon, they just can't! They can't even!

Here is Kree singing What the World Needs Now. She begins it acapella, and with her lovely tone, it is a beautiful touch.  It's bluesy and warm, and one of Kree's finer performances! It is definitely the best of the night so far. Keith liked her warmth, as did Kristen who feels Kree is exactly the kind of gal who, Any Day Now, wouldn't mind a rowdy game of fetch with a yellow lab.

Lab approved!

Perky Janelle has chosen the equally perky  I'll Never Fall In Love Again. It moves at a snail's pace. She treats it like dark ballad, omitting the spunk and humor. Nicki thinks she's ready to record a hit record, but feels this definitely would not be it. Kristen hopes this does not get her booted this because as far as she's concerned, "A House Is Not  a Home, and Idol would not be Idol without Janelle!".

Onto Candice who will be performing  Don't Make Me Over. Once again, Candice hits it out the park. Her voice can go from soft and tender to powerhouse without her even taking a breath. It is an emotional take on this classic, and the judges are all stumbling over themselves to praise her. Kristen says Baby It's You! Candice should have no problems making it to the Top 5.

Onto the Second Half where the kids will perform songs they wish they'd written.

Angie opens this set with  Love Come Down by Christian Contemporary Artist, Carrie Jobe.  She sits at the piano and is right in her wheelhouse.  She connects perfectly to the lyrics, and it is a wonderful performance for Angie. Nicki tells her that unless she steps it up like this week after week, she will stay behind Candice and Kree. Kristen feels a little more love coming down for Angie this week, so she gives her a cute puppy for listening to the judges and stepping it up.

Amber is going with  Love On Top by Beyonce. Though the girl has the vocal chops, she can't do what this song needs. During live performances, Beyonce wows audiences with continuous key changes that take her voice souring to the rafters. Without that, it's just repetition after repetition. Kristen cannot put her love on top for Amber because that was an indulgent song choice, and she did not deliver.  Randy says "SHE'S IN IT TO WIN IT!" You know the drill. Drink!

Here's Lazaro ready to sing Angels by Robbie Williams. Very few Idol fans will ever forget teenaged David Archuletta's haunting take on this song in Season 8. Laz not only can't compare to him, he can't keep up with the five superior girls this season. The judges say as much, trying not to criticize Laz (the sympathy votes are out of control) while letting the audience know "He's not good enough to be here anymore, people!" Kristen thinks he's no angel what with all the whining and excuses he has given all season. She wants to give him a good swatting, but does it vicariously via this gif..

Kree is up next with  Help Me Make It Through The Night by Kris Kristofferson. It is effortless and emotionally pitch perfect. Kree is really playing her A-Game with this batch of songs this evening! The judges agree she is back this week. Keith thinks he will be seeing her inducted into the Grand Old Opry some day as she is about Real Country Music. Kristen thanks her for helping her make it through what could be a tedious night with two stellar performances.  She gives a Kree thanks by way of cuteness.

It's country gal  Janelle performing The Dance by Garth Brooks. It is a pretty take on the song, as Janelle really does have a lovely voice. She, at this point, is simply no comparison to the other stronger girls. But, she is sweet and likable, so country audiences who seem to prefer the Janelle types over the more serious Krees might keep her in the competition. . Nicki agrees she is not quite up to the snuff of the other girls. Kristen hopes she's in the dance a bit longer because she, of all the contestants, is the most lab-like!

Finally, it's. Candice with  Love Song by  The Cure. This is one of the finest performances on the American Idol stage. Candice gives it her own soulful vibe with a sensual tone to her voice, hitting notes that reach for the stars. The judges are on their feet before the song ends, and there is really no need to comment. But Randy tells her it was the best performance on Idol in 12 seasons. Normally, we don't like Randy's hyperbole, but this time, he might be right on. Kristen is singing love songs for Candice all the way to the finale! She gives her this kitty as a reward for being a true fighter this season.

Time for Results!

It begins with an off-pitch train wreck of Bacharach hits finished off with the treacly  That's What Friends Are For in which Lazaro stares petulantly at the camera the entire time.

Scotty is back to sing lock them doors  See You Tonight.apparently to a group of Hitler Youth?

Kelly comes to sing People Like Us  She gets fangirly over Mariah.

Awww!

Now for the big reveal. Candie and Kree? Top 2. Angie and Janelle? The middle two. It's down to Laz and Amber.  Kristen and I swear that if Laz isn't going home...

HE IS!!!! Laz had the lowest number of votes, and it is bye-bye-bye! We shall mourn the loss of the one snark-worthy contestant this season, so fare-the-well, Lazaro.

Next up, the first all female top 5 in Idol history perform:

...songs of the great divas, plus a song from the year they were born. Oh snap!