AMERICAN IDOL SEASON 14: Top 12

AKA: WHERE'S THE BEEF?

"All bun, no meat, makes Idol a dull boy."

Kristen the Yellow Lab and I are getting too old for this. On top of all our other woes, we don't need American Idol becoming irregular, too!  It's enough of a challenge remembering which Jimmy is Fallon, so how can we be expected to keep up with the new-fangled schedule and voting system of America's favorite talent competition? Of course, we understand they're doing it all for the young people. After all, they have the attention span of gnats and can't be bothered with two nights of American Idol if that takes them away from their twerking or quirking or whatever indecency they're up to.  But, honestly. Combining both the performance and results show into one night? Allowing voting to go on for a week, but limiting it to "20 votes per contestant per method?" In our day, you wouldn't dare suggest such a thing!

"Kids today with their Net Flicks and Hula Hoops. They have no respect for the tradition of giving up your social life for a program you love."

Don't worry too much, as some things haven't changed. You'll still find Keith singing along like a love-struck teenaged girl to every performance. JLo remains the most  camera-aware person on the planet, always ready with the stank face and chest pops. And Harry? Harry continues to be The Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz after he found his smarts. "If you take it up a 5th and the square root of the super nova is a multiplied by jet-fuel proportionate to distance traveled, you will reach the quantum state and your intonation will be perfect. Any questions?"

Professor Harold Von Know-It-All, Jr.

Also, Ryan.

"It's all downhill from here. Isn't it, Kristen?"

As for the new voting system and how it is going to play out as far as which contestants stay and which go home, we'll just leave that up to these guys.

"Ryan? We've got a problem."

The important news is that Kristen and I did a fairly good job of picking the Top 12, per our usual.

One of the worst things about the new system is what it does to the performances. Because of the combined results/performance nature of the show, the contestants are obviously emotionally traumatized as they await their fate.  Then, when they get the news that they made it and must step up to the stage and perform at that exact moment, they are given a jolt of adrenaline reserved for Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction.

Did you actually think I'd post a gif of that horrific needle in her chest?

Case in point: First to make it into the Top 12 was the lovely potential front-runner, Sarina-Joi. Building up to this, her vocals have been pristine and her performances controlled. Tonight,  she gives us a sharp, shrieking version of One Republic's "Love Runs Out." It was obvious her adrenaline took hold, and she started in too high of a key.  She had no where to take her voice once she was meant to hit some killer vocals. Tragic performance from the best vocalist in the competition.

Rayvon,  on the other hand, maintained his cool and earned  his keep by doing a serenely beautiful version of Katy Perry's Wide Awake. Our take? Though easy on the eyes and ears, Rayvon's vocal stylings are dentist-office/elevator bound.

 Fetus (aka: 15 year old Daniel) learns that his middle-school-age fans have voted him through, and rewards them with an embarrassingly horrific performance of Paula Abdul's "Straight Up." This song has Kristen and I reminiscing back to the days when our Pauler was totally inappropriate with the youngsters. So fun! Hashtag: #BringBackPauler!

Maddie made it! She gives us a serviceable version of No Doubt's "Suitcase." She is a lovely young lady, and also the only country singer on the show, which means she should stick around for awhile.

If the joyful, mega-talent,  16-year-old Tyanna, had not made it through, America would have some 'splainin' to do. Fortunately, she made it to the top 12 where she gave us a sweet and age-appropriate version of "Wings" by Little Mix.

Nick is one of a dozen, and we mean that in the kindest way. Though he is vocally clean on his performance of Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes," he is far more of a back-up singer than a solo artist.

"There's no shame in being a Mary Wilson, but aspire to be a Diana Ross." KT Yellow Lab 

Jax is in! She performed a lovely, slowed-down version of The Beatles' "I Want To Hold Your Hand." Here's hoping this interesting teenager is Top-4-bound. Here's worrying that she is not "darling" enough. (Something required of female contestants on this show.)

Our favorite virgin (per his mother,) Qaasim's high-energy take on Stevie Wonder's "Sir Duke" brought the house down. The kid is a performer!

No surprise that  Clark made it through. His "It's a Man's World" was a high quality vocal. There is no doubt he is the best male vocalist of the group. But, he needs to up his game and give us more modern material.

Joey gives us a Joey-ized version of Tallest Man On Earth's "King of Spain." She needs to tone down the affectations and limit the theatrics, but she is probably the  most interesting contestant Idol has ever had in the Top 12.

Wild Card #1 went to Quentin who did a slow, moving version of Lorde's "Royals." His nerves got him, though, and his vocal was not as solid as it needs to be. So far, Kristen and I adore Quentin and his Princely self. However, we do worry that what can be called "haunting" by some might be termed "creepy" by others.

Wild Card #2 was a surprise. Adanna Duru! She gives us a brilliant performance of Bruno Mars "Runaway Baby." This girl is a fighter!

Worst  of night: The Fetus, Nick, Sarina
Best of the night:  Jax, Qaasim, Quentin
Our choice to go home: The Fetus.

Ladies and Gentlemen? Your Top 12!! Who will perform tomorrow night as the Top 11? Stay tuned...