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April 3, 2013


AKA: A Kristen Carol: 
The Ghosts of Idols Past

Kristen The Yellow Lab and I are known to keep the Idol spirit very well! After all, though it's never put a scrap of silver or gold in our pocket, it's done us good, and we say, "God bless it."  Now, to begin, Ye Olde Idol is as dead as a door nail.. We've lost Old Simon, Sweet Paula, Steven the Insane, The Duchess Jennifer, and various and sundry other mentors, judges, and musical directors. Now we've moved onto Idol Future: a fresh judging panel, higher production values, and a batch of new kids ready to sing for their Christmas goose.

Kristen and I spy Tiny Tim wandering out to bless us everyone! Oh, wait. It's just Ryan.

He tells us the contestants were to choose songs sung by past Idol winners either during their run on the show or during their post-Idol careers. This means the actual theme is "Songs you've heard performed on the show a zillion times because we already bought the rights to them so they are now free for us." Bah Humbug!!

Because, people,  THIS is American Idol.

Before we can meet our Top Ten, Ryan brings out the four judges! We welcome Keith Urban, Randy Jackson, Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj!

Except... Nicki is not here. There is one vacant chair at the judges table. Nicki is "late" because she is "stuck in traffic."  Could this be the ghost of Idol future?

"Unless things change, Nicki will be "stuck in traffic" every time Mariah rolls her eyes at her or doesn't properly compliment her wig."
Time for some singing. First up is Curtis. He has chosen Season 3 victor Fantasia's inspiring "I Believe." The song is not a particularly good one. What sold it for Fantasia was a gut-wrenching, deeply personal interpretation. Can Curtis come close to that Idol moment? Kristen says no. However, she wouldn't mind a chance to dig a hole in that carpet jacket he's wearing. Curtis sings like he's constipated with the holy ghost! He has distracting facial expressions and exorcism-like movements that detract from the fact that he has a truly excellent voice with control and range to die for!  Keith says, "Cuttis! Aw Cuttis!" Randy wants him to try something outside his inspirational wheelhouse. The Dowager Mariah, on the other hand, wants him to continue with his gospel-tinged playbook. What does the Ghost of Idols past, Fantasia say?

"You don't know clazz! Get out of my sight, heffer!"

Nicki Minaj has arrived, people!
Onto Janelle. Our country gal has chosen Montgomery Gentry's "Gone," which is a song performed by Season 9 Idol winner, Scotty McCreery. Janelle is showing us a little personality, which is a good thing, because the vocals aren't there. Also, she doesn't give the song the energy it requires due to it's limited lyrical and musical content. (Kristen is not much of a country music fan, and trite songs like this are exactly the reason.)  Keith says something or other with an adorable accent. Nicki preferred last week's soyng choice. Randy says Yo, and Mariah wants her to do ballads, dahling. What does the Ghost of Idol present, the Scottster have to say?
"Baby, country's gonna lock them doors on you if you don't learn to carry a tune."
Here's. Devin. He wants to be the next Josh Groban, so singing country is a logical step. (??) He has chosen  Season 4 champ Carrie Underwood's hit "Temporary Home." Kristen spends the entire performance trying to chase the squirrel off the top of Devin's head. Keith was not happy with Devin's underwhelming rendition, which causes Nicki to fling off her black hood and shout in outrage. She loves Devin and his Pee Wee Hermanisms! Randy says it was safe, and Mariah says expectations for Devin are too high.  The Ghost of Carrie Underwood retorts:
"Idol's only going to be your temporary home if you don't pick it up, Devin.."
The Osmond-like Angie Miller is next.. Jimmy tells her she's a pageant bot. She is hurt by this accusation because she's in this competition to bring about world peace and end hunger! For some inexplicable reason, she is going to sing Celine Dion's "I Surrender."  Apparently, Kelly Clarkson, the original American Idol, sang it at some point during the competition. The good news is that Kristen can finally remove her sun glasses as Angie has taken the teeth-whitening down a notch. Keith likes it when she hits the high notes.  Nicki wants her dress and her legs. Randy says she's in it to win it. Drink! Mariah calls her "stellar, dahling.  But, what does the ghost of the REAL stellar Idol winner have to say?

"I surrender! I'll just ask Kristen's opinion.  Kristen? Kristen....????"

Paul Jolley  insists he's a country singer, so he is going to perform the very pop ballad-like tune "Amazed" by Lonestar. This was another of Scotty's performances in Season 9. Jimmy tells him he's not running for president, so dial back the theatrics. What Jimmy did not say is, "Sing this song as if you're on Xanax." Part of Paul's charm is his over-the-top interpretation. Without it, he's just a boy who can sing on pitch. Keith tells him something nice with his adorable accent. Nicki informs him that he sexually stimulated her with his voice.

 Randy isn't going to touch the sexuality issue. Mariah doesn't want him to hold back.  What says the ghost of Scotty?

"You did not sexually stimulate me. I'll be amazed if you last 2 more weeks."

 Candice Glover will sing a song performed by Season 6 winner, Jordin Sparks, called "I Who Have Nothing." This is a Ben E. King song made famous by Shirley Bassey, Tom Jones, and Neil Diamond. This was a moment and turning point in the competition for Jordin. Kristen and I think Candice can outdo that performance. And she does! It is a masterpiece that uses understated moments topped by easily delivered glory notes. The emotion is spot on, with Candice taking us right up to the window pane into which she gazes at her beloved. The judges are mesmerized. When she takes us to the brink of her despair with one final, powerful note, they and the entire audience are on their feet. Keith says she is a young Bassey.  Nicki tells her that song now belongs to her. Randy is yo-ing all over the studio. Mariah explains she would have given her a standing O but her dress is simply too tight. Shall we have the ghost of Jordin Sparks weigh in?
"I'll admit that was fantastic and better than my performance of the same song. But, call me when YOU get to star in a movie with Whitney Houston. Oh wait. That's NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. haha!"
 Onto Lazaro. He has chosen our original Idol's massive hit, "Breakaway." Jimmy tells him he needs to have  more confidence. Well, that should be easy advise to take, JIMMY! Though Kristen adores his Ricky Ricardo stylings, she cannot abide his nervous, low key version of the song. Keith wonders why he chose it as it is most definitely not in his wheelhouse. Nicki thinks Jimmy is ruining his life and wants him to quit listening to him. Randy says the song was too big, but Mariah insists we all love him anyway because of his courage. (Lazaro stutters except when he sings.) What does the ghost of Queen Kelly say?

"Hun? Sing one of my songs ever again and I'll break something away."

 Here comes Kree! She is Kristen's favorite as she looks like someone who wouldn't mind romping in a muddy field, tossing a stick or two. She has chosen Roy Orbison's "Crying" which, apparently, Carrie sang during her season. To which Kristen and I say, "Huh????" They show a clip, and no wonder we didn't remember it. Kree gives it just the right emotion without trying to play up the glory notes. Very nicely done! Keith says, "Kray!!" Nicki calls her Harry and says she makes her feel like eating waffles with Aunt Jemima syrup in front of the TV while watching Kree perform.

 Randy likes her personal touches. Mariah says something or other, dahling. What does the ghost of Country Carrie have to say?
"You won't be crying tomorrow. You aren't going anywhere, y'all!"

 Burnell, the Nawlins native has selected season 2 winner, Ruben Studdard's, version of "Flying Without Wings," to which Kristen and I say, "sigh." This kid has a tone for current pop, yet insists on singing over-the-top inspirational ballads. The tone is there, as is the passion. But, he can't win with this type of song. Except Keith says he can because he loves the song choice.. As does Nicki, Randy, and Mariah. But, does America? Let's check with Ruben himself.
"I thought the song was about barbecue wings. Thanks for clearing that up for me."
Last but not least,  Amber selects Kelly Clarkson's coronation song, "A Moment Like This." After all, it's not like Kelly has any other big hits to choose from. Amber is what the execs would call "the whole package." She's thin, pretty, has a big voice, and a charming personality. She does a more than competent job with this song. So, what is missing? Simon would say she lacks the X Factor. Kristen says she needs a little more lab and a lot less poodle. The judges must have made a quick stop at Hyperbole R US as Nicki declares it the best performance of night. Is she suffering from short term memory loss? Has she already forgotten Candice and Kree? Randy declares it the best coronation song ever, which isn't really much of a compliment.. Keith says "Ambah!" Mariah lays down some royal decree or other. But, what is Queen Kelly's take?
"I can't let a moment like this pass without saying you could win if you get better at choosing songs." 


Ryan introduces the Top 10 and Surprise! Last season's winner,  Phillip Phillips is in the line up.

Kristen is thrilled to see the super dynamic P2 on the Idol stage again!

Tonight, Ryan is going to provide us with a spread sheet that details how each contestant did in their home state as well as their ranking from last night's votes. Because as we all know, the key demo for the show is mathletes.

Group number complete with pointy pose!

Bon Jovi performs a song that sounds like every other Bon Jovi song, to which we say:

Now for the competition that will allow voters to decide who shall be the 11th person to make the tour. It is between Charlie Askew and Aubrey Cleland. Charlie sings an original song about Blue Diamonds that sound s like it was written by a third grader. Aubrey stays true to her ballad-queen self and performs "Out Here On My Own" as if she were auditioning for the high school musical. Again, we say:

Now, Phillip Phillips returns to the Idol stage in triumph (his single, Home, has gone 4 x platinum!) His latest single, Gone Gone Gone, will be the boot song for season 12. And....

More results. Ryan, with charts, graphs and slide rules:
He shows us that Candice, Kree, and Angie were our top 3 this week. Meanwhile, Lazaro was 4th, Amber 5th, Janelle 6th, and Burnelle in 7th.  That leaves Paul, Devin, and Curtis as bottom 3. Paul is sent to safety in 8th place. Nicki is furious and announces that if Curtis is the one going home, she will QUIT THE SHOW!!!

Curtis had the lowest number of votes! Nicki stands up to walk off the set, but Keith gives her a little tug, and she sits back down.
But not before having somewhat of a wardrobe malfunction.

Curtis does yet another rendition of I Believe I Can Fly.  The judges pretend to debate, but we all know they won't save the guy who goes out in 10th place. Randy announces it wasn't unanimous and Curtis is going home.  Nicki thinks they needed another minute to discuss it. Oh Nicki! 
Goodbye Curtis!

Next: These Kids:

Sing the songs of these guys:

Check back here soon to see how they did!

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