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August 8, 2012



Kristen the Yellow Lab and I are sorry.  After all, we're about to let our bigotry shine through in this blog post. Rumor has it that American Idol has set its sights on having a country music artist on the judging panel this season.

Names making their way through the corn-pone vine include Brad Paisley, Reba McIntire, Martina McBride, Toby Keith, and Miley Cyrus. Missing from the list is the only country singer Kristen and I would consider - Mr. Nicole Kidman (aka: Keith Urban.) Why Keith? Take a gander:
Kristen and I would share grits with him any day of the week!
We have nothing against country music artists and their fans, per se. On the other hand, can we be realistic? Country musicians are - dare we blurt out this stereotype? - too nice. Kristen and I have no use for that character flaw when it comes to our show. We want folks who aren't afraid to provide a little bite to their banter. And, for us, "Bless your heart" doesn't cut it.  
"HowDEE! Kristen, that Idol wannabe can't sing worth a lick, but he does love him some apple pie, lonesome train whistles,  the back of a pick-up truck, and dogs named Blue. Let's put him through!"
Kristen and I aren't looking for a new mean judge, just someone with a heart who isn't afraid to give the contestants a little "what for." 

Realistically, the show already has a firm hold on country music fans. There is a long tradition of voter support for contestants from the south (country music's stronghold.) Nine of the eleven American Idol winners are from the designated south or states with a predominant rural culture.  In the past five seasons, the winners have all been white males who strum guitars.  The show's contestants learn early that promoting patriotism, religious faith, love for their mamas, and humility help them progress through the voting rounds (despite the fact that none of those things have anything at all to do with the music business or success within it.) So, if Idol already has that audience demographic soundly in their pocket, why not spend the $$$$ on a judge or two who will lure in a new crowd?
"You want a mean judge? Hire someone whose high point of the day is having a bowel movement. I'll give you mean!"

Idol is getting up in years. But, unlike its creaky producers and outdated theme weeks, the show, itself, is capable of being rejuvenated.  Bring in some fresh, snarky blood, Idol. Stop trying to fill the panel with stars who appeal to your aging demographic and put more effort into hiring an entertaining judge not afraid to provide an honest critique. Just a thought:
Kristen the Yellow Lab for American Idol judge! (Contact her management team via this blog to hammer out the details.)
Who (besides Kristen) is your dream judge?


  1. Oh sure, Kristen talks a good game, but labs are scandalously affectionate. Do you really think the contestants need an 80 lb mass of waggy-tail-licky-face follower rolling over on the stage, begging their affection? Sorry, but Idol can’t take that risk.

    I nominate Susan Kerscher for judge! Ms. Kerscher knows the music industry and what (who) can be marketed. Kristin knows her, and can pull in support for her. She is perfect for their needs: a bit of blue-eyed-blonde, beauty-queen-smiled, viciously-opinionated perfection!

    Get on it, Idol.

  2. As usual, you are correct, Marie Elena! Susan Kerscher would be the best Idol judge ever. I'm going to ask Kristen to start a campaign! Kristen knows people who know people who know people who know... well, you get it. ;)