AKA: IT'S ALL DOWNHILL FROM HERE
Kristen the Yellow Lab and I are shushing!! After all, what better way to celebrate American Idol 11 auditions in Aspen, Colorado? Wait! Who is that adorable tot on the bunny hill? Oh, it's just Ryan.
The judges take a powder!
Kristen and I are ready for a lift! Bring on the first contestant!
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| "Promise you won't knock me off, Kristen!" |
The show opens with the overly-energetic and equally annoying Jenni Schick, age 24. When a yellow lab finds someone annoying, you know it's bad. She is an elementary school music teacher, and confesses that the worst part of that is the recorders. "30 recorders in one room makes me want to vomit," she informs us. We're sure her students are pleased to receive this info. Hint to students: Want to prank your music teacher? Whip out your recorders at the same time and watch her try to hold down the granola bar she had for breakfast. Haha! Naturally, she has a crush on Steven Tyler, because doesn't every female young enugh to be his granddaughter? She performs a pedestrian version of Heartbreaker by Pat Benatar. She's not even good enough for a bar band, but, she's cute and sexy, so the judges put her through. And she gets a kiss from Steven! Kristen and I think the show is off to slushy start!
In keeping with the "mediocre is the new good" theme of this week's show, Curtis Gray, age 28, does a fair-to-middlin' version of Boyz II Men's It's So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday. Vocally, it is lovely enough. But, he brings nothing extra, and the song choice does not seem to fit him. Nevertheless, the judges send him on his way to Hollywood. We predict he will be performing at lodge bars near you in the future.
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| Of all the ski lodges in the world, you had to walk into mine. Play that funky music, Curtis! |
19 year old Tealana Hedgespeth is a twin! But, unlike The Olson's, she is not always happy about it. Her twin sister, it seems, is the belle of their small-town ball, while she, Tealana, must live in her shadow. She explains that she is tired of everyone telling her how talented and wonderful her sister is. This is HER opportunity to shine for a change!.
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| "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!!" |
Tealana performs Melissa Etheridges Bring Me Some Water. She's so bad that JLo whispers to Steven, "If you ask her to sing something else, I'm going to kill you."
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And it's back to her sister's shadow for Tealana.
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| Sad bunny. |
Haley Smith is only 18 years old, yet she lives in a log cabin in Utah with her boyfriend. She is a good, old-fashioned hippie of the vegan variety. Despite her commitment to a non-traditional lifestyle, which takes great maturity, Kristen and I believe, shades of a giggly 18-year old still shine through. . She performs Chaka Khan's Tell Me Something Good in quite an awesome manner. She is interesting and unique. The judges love her, and off she goes - out of the cabin and into a swanky Hollywood hotel! Crunchy granola for the win!
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| I dig, man! |
Here comes 22 year-old waitress, Alanna Snair. She does an absolutely horrendous rendition of Dolly Parton's Jolene. Kristen and I miss Simon, so we'll just insert a "What the bloody hell was that?' in here in his honor. Now that's what ski puppies like Kristen refer to as a yard sale! She is sent packing.
It's another teeny-bopper trying to recapture the Scotty/Lauren triumph of last season! Shelby Tweten is all of 17 years old, and she is from Minnesota, or MinneSOETa, as she pronounces it. She tells us that she has suffered with depression since her grade school years. She was recently diagnosed as bipolar and put on medication that has helped her a great deal. She tells the judges music is everything as it helped keep her together in the darkest of times. Kristen and I admire her forthrightness, and we are hoping that her singing is something special. She performs Carrie Underwood's Temporary Home. Unfortunately, it's adequate but nothing special. The judges adore her. JLo claims she had tears in her eyes, and Randy calls her fearless. She's off to Hollywood, but we don't see her surviving the slalom that is Hollywood Week.
19 year old Jairon Jackson is going to sing an original song called So Hard. He has a very nice voice with a current R & B vibe. Randy says he's ready for the charts right there. Maybe... Off he goes to Hollywood. When he runs out waving his ticket, he takes out one of the porch lights of the hotel. Woops.
25 year old Angie Ziederman calls herself a retro glitter queen. She sings some show tune that has to do with having it and flaunting it. It's all rather ridiculous, but she is definitely fun. Randy was turned off by the show tune aspect and claims it brings out the vibrato. They let her sing something else, so she goes into a nice version of Linda Rondstant's Blue Bayou. She has a sweet tone to her voice, but she's really just a Lady Gaga wannabe. The judges take a chance on her, and she's off to Hollywood.
Finally, we are treated to Magic Cyclops from Davenport Iowa. Cyclops explains, in his best Russell Brand impersonation, that they have riverboat gambling in Davenport.. He suggests they blur his face as he has so many gambling debts, there are "people" looking for him. He explains to the judges that he speaks with a British accent because they were so poor when he was a child that all they could watch on TV was PBS. Apparently, it aired only BBC programs. He then goes into a hilarious version of Neil Diamond's Cracklin' Rosie, followed by Jimmy Buffet's Wastin' Away in Margaritaville. It's a hilarious ending to a relatively boring show. He gets three noes, naturally, but, being a good sport, as he walks out, he suggests he and Steven go get a drink. Here's hoping they did!
And with that, Kristen and I are off for a hot toddy! See you in Portland!
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