AKA: BURN DOWN THE PIANO
Kristen the Yellow Lab and I are having a couple of vodker and tonics. After all, what better way to celebrate Elton John Week on American Idol? The two of us are far too youthful to remember when rock was young, nevertheless, we've got our electric boots and mohair suits at the ready. We might even take a gander at horny-back toad hunting!
At any rate, here comes that little sugar bear, Ryan, to tell us THIS is American Idol.
We get to review last week's judges' save. Holy Moses! We probably didn't need to revisit the scene where Casey nearly vomited on himself, but it all made for good TV nonetheless.
|Screen cap of potential projectile vomiting |
We soon learn that Sir Elton is the greatest living legend ever, and that Kristen and I own all of his albums, and that Kristen even had a crush on him after seeing him in concert in high school.
It's not funny, Steven! He was quite the handsome gent in his day!
Let's get this Elton John-fest on the road!! Ryan? Take us to the pilot!
And he does. Starting the show off is Scotty! Being 17 and a fan of country music, he wasn't too familiar with Sir Elton's catalog of over a zillion songs. However, he did manage to find one with "Country" in the title so decided to run with it. He has chosen "Country Comfort." This is fine with Kristen and me as it's not a song either of us would carry on our iPod. He pulls out the old geetar for this one, and even manages a shout-out to his grandma. Oh, this kid is SO going to win Idol. He's got the voting public eating of his freckled hand. The judges ask him to cure their blind grandmothers.
|Scotty the Sainted|
Kristen gives him 3 surprised Eltons for taking one of his songs and making it a potential country hit.
Here comes Naima! She plans to incorporate her reggae style into the Elton hit, "I'm Still Standing." Okey dokey. This is Elton circa "I'm getting too old for this" so Kristen and I have no sentimental attachment to this song whatsoever. She feels this fits her story on the show. It's not bad. In fact, what Kristen and I like about Naima is she does make songs her own. She is original, a great performer and entertainer. However, this is just okay, mon. "Island Girl" would have been a better choice. The judges tell her she is mostly the best thing to happen to music, but this particular arrangement didn't work. Uh-oh! Naima's just been thrown under the bus!
Kristen gives her two shocked Eltons for changing the song up maybe a bit too much...mon.
Oh, Paul. He's back with one of his bedazzled coats. He's chosen "Rocket Man." No!! Kristen and I are about to turn down the volume because this is going to be a wash. Except... well, this is kind of nice. We like the way he opens it softly. It's a very current sound - kind of Jason Mraz meets a muppet. Of course, then he goes into his nails-on-chalkboard voice for the chorus. Still, this is a better Paul than we've seen, and he wisely rejected any urge to dance. The judges wonder why he he's not inducted into the Grand Ole Opry as of yet.
Kristen gives him 2.5 dancing Elton's for a solid first-half of the performance.
Here comes Pia to do another Celine impersonation. She has chosen "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me." There's lots of exposure to her back molars as she hits the high notes impeccably. But, even when the gospel choir joins her on stage, there are no chills to be had. She's a Celine-Bot. The judges announce that she will ride a donkey to Bethlehem and give birth in a stable in the coming months.
Kristen gives her 3 bored Eltons for good vocals but slow-poke presentation.
Stefano has chosen "Tiny Dancer." No!! Gah! Kristen and I have loved this song long before Kate Hudson massacred it in Almost Famous. Much like Pia, Stefano gives the song just enough pomp and cheese to serve a lunch. Unlike Pia, he's not pitch perfect. Even worse? He goes up to Jennifer to take her hand and gaze with longing into her fox-fur fringed eyes. Kristen and I are waiting for him to fling open the door of Laverne and Shirley's basement apartment and belt out a chorus of "Rags to Riches." The judges want him to baptize their babies.
Kristen gives him 2 cheesy Eltons for bringing the Kraft.
Lauren Alaina - "Candle In the Wind." No! What? Lauren! OK. It's not terrible. In fact, it's good. She does countrify it a bit, which is actually nice. Kristen and I like Lauren. She's got a pretty tone to her voice, and enough personality to fill a 54" HD TV screen. We'll forgive the bout of shyness she seems to have in the middle of the chorus. The judges dub her The People's Princess!
Kristen and I give her 3 Uncle Elton's for making the guy proud.
Here comes James. Oh yeah! "Saturday Night's Alright For Fightin'!" He stomps, he wails, he gets in our face with his Saturday! Saturday! Saturday Night's Alright! And if that's not enough, he sets fire to the baby grand. After all, what says RAWK like destruction of property?? The judges move him into Graceland.
Kristen gives him 4 Elton's Acrobatics on the Piano for his wild child performance.
Hi Thia! Around the time Kristen and I were diggin' on Elton, Thia's parents were being enrolled in kindergarten. Young Thia has opted to sing "Daniel" because it is dear to her heart as she missed her brother when he went to college. Never mind that "Daniel" is about a brother lost to a dreadful war. The performance is.... well, about as poignant as one can expect of someone who thinks she's singing to her brother who is away playing beer pong. She does hit the notes, and that's all we're going to say about that. The judges call her a miracle worker.
Kristen gives her 1.5 pissy Elton's for not taking the time to understand what she was singing (and for boring us witless.)
OK, Casey! Your time to prove "The Save" wasn't wasted. He has chosen Elton's most famous song, "Your Song." (No??? Or Maybe???) He sits on a stool and gives an absolutely lovely interpretation. Now, this is what we needed to see from Casey - no growls, no "I'm here on a frat bet" antics. Just pure emotion. Wonderful. The judges roll back the stone and declare him risen!!
Kristen gives him 3.5 joyous Elton's for doing exactly the right thing!
Here comes Jacob. "Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word." In Jacob's case, it's "subtlety" that seems to be the hardest word. He is going for the MJ Blige version which is actually not so very different from the E John version. Now, Kristen and I once adored Jacob. And he does have his moments. But, he is like the yellow lab with too much energy. "DOWN, Jacob!!" He has incredible natural vocal skills, but he gets caught up in his emotion and tends to overdo. The judges are swooning and speaking in tongues.
Kristen gives him 1.5 windblown Elton for really blowing the joint up with his vocals - too much.
Last is Haley who lounges across the piano like a good-hearted hooker. She has chosen "Benny and the Jets." The arrangement? Awesome. Haley's vocals? Cool. Her hyper-growlizations? In full force. It's actually the first Haley performance Kristen and I have liked. And we do, indeed, like it very much. Mostly because the girl is growing with the show, which is always something fun to watch. But, Haley? Men don't vote. Sexing it up might make Steven happy, but the middle-aged women with their fingers ready to dial aren't going to give you the time of day if you don't knock off the sex kitten antics. Basically, you've got a choice. The voice or the hoochie. Voice = votes. Hoochie = back to your day job at Applebee's. You choose. The judges are lying prone in front of Haley, glassy-eyed as they recite their mantras of worship.
Kristen's gives her 4 pleasantly pleased Eltons.
|Pleasantly Pleased But Not Overly Impressed Elton|
All in all, it was a mediocre episode. But, we're remembering back to Season 3's Elton John week when we got this. Jennifer Hudson "Circle Of Life."
At any rate, Kristen's picks!
Funeral For a Friend (Buh-bye!)
I'm Still Standing (Should stick around at least another week)
The One (maybe?)
Thanks to last week's use of THE SAVE, two contestants will be leaving us this evening.
Says Idol. To which we reply:
The judges march out and take their seats while Ryan explains things are going to be a little different this evening. The kids will be performing duets and group sings together before getting their results. First up are tween-throbs Casey and Lauren performing the Carrie Underwood/Randy Travis duet, "I Told You So." They're adorable! A modern-day, countrified Frankie and Annette. Look at the cutie pies!
Randy declares the pair of them safe!!
We move onto Naima and Jacob singing "Solid As a Rock." More like "Solid as rainbow colored marshmallows."
Jacob lives to wallow another day, while Naima is sent to the stools of doom.
Here comes Fantasia! She's singing her new hit, "Collard Greens and Cornbread." The song is much better than Fantasia looks. (Come on, girl!)
The three girls who aren't Naima do an atrocious version of Katy Perry's "Teenaged Dream." Well, lookie here! It's Jill, Kelly, and Sabrina!
Pia? Safe. Thia? Hit the stools of doom.
Kris Allen has dropped in to see the show! His wife Katy is happy everyone's applauding for her!
Paul, Casey, James and Stefano do an atrocious performance of "Band On the Run." Casey, James, and STEFANO are safe! Paul is bottom 3.
Jamie Foxx and William (No, I'm not typing in all those periods) do an atrocious performance of some song or other.
Then, we learn that Paul is safe and Thia and Naima are leaving us, tonight.
Sings the songs of members of The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame!
See you there!
Oh, and if you want to read some real snark, visit www.boredmorons.com and check out Shnuglet and Murghi's recap. Since I stole their screencaps, it's the least you can do!