Kristen has rolled over on her back, which means Adam's entered the stage. He has chosen Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire," but is giving it a middle eastern flair, complete with sitar. In the pre-performance pack, we see Adam meeting with mentor, Randy Travis. Randy claims he doesn't know what to make of Adam because he's never seen a man wear black nail polish before. Huh. REALLY Randy? You've been in show biz HOW MANY YEARS? Adam's got his Elvis freak flying tonight, and it's pretty amazing, if Kristen and I do say so ourselves. He starts off slow and sultry (who knew Ring of Fire was such a sensuous song) and builds to a multi-octave leap. This is definitely a "loved it" or "hated it" performance and was a huge risk on Adam's part. Kara feels confused yet strangely happy. Paula compares it to Led Zeppelin's "Kashmir." (Stop making sense, Paula! You're really taking the fun out of it.) Simon says, "What. The hell. Was that. Indulgent nonsense. You better never go to Nashville." Adam informs him he has no plans to do so. Randy passionately defends Adam comparing it to something Nine Inch Nails would do. Simon smugs that country fans will hate it, and the camera pans to a slightly confused Randy Travis. "Nine Inch Nails?" he seems to be pondering. "Would those nails be covered in black polish?" Exactly one hour later, forums all across the internet go down as traffic reaches epic proportions so people can either bellow that they hate Adam for Freddy Mercurizing a sacred country song or shriek that he's the bomb - The Adam Bomb! Kristen and I loved his performance, but even if we didn't, we'd still give him 10 sparkly green top hats and a Kiss Me I'm Irish for being fearless, true to himself, and for showing off those golden pipes. Elvis weighs in!
Here comes Alexis Grace dressed in black for St. Patrick's Day. She has chosen Dolly Parton's "Jolene," a song about begging an auburn-hair vixen not to steal her man, so I guess that's somewhat of a tribute to healthy Irish lasses everywhere. She starts off on the stairs, which is not a good decision. The very size of the staircase makes her look even tinier than she is, and, thus, younger. There's something not so right about a 12 year old begging another women to let her husband be. Halfway through, Alexis finds her voice and starts to blues it up a bit. But, it's too little too late. It's a rather anemic performance, and further proof that the song should only be sung by Dolly or the White Stripes. Randy says, "Not a great performance for me." Kara says, "Flat a little bit." (Not nice, Kara. Once the girl wins the competition, she can get a boob job. Until then, leave her physical deficiencies out of this.) Paula liked seeing her soft, vulnerable side. Simon didn't. "Forgettable!" he sniffs. Because Alexis looks so small and overwhelmed, we're going to give her 5 1/2 Finians Rainbows and an Erin Go Braugh!
The Widower Gokey is up performing Carrie Underwood's first big hit, "Jesus Take the Wheel." In the pre-performance pack, we see that he's so nervous, he can't remember how to sing the first few lines in front of Randy Travis. Randy Travis looks annoyed, but at least this young feller ain't wearing no black nail polish, so he'll do. It starts off a bit rough. For some reason, Danny is dressed like a giant marshmallow. Danny has a gruffness to his voice that works well when used appropriately. It's wrong for this song as it should be performed clean. In part, it's understandable why Danny chose this song as it reflects his own personal struggles as well as his faith. But, it's not a good fit. Kara says here comes Danny. Paula says, "We love it but fall a little short of appreciating it tonight." (Now, there's the Paula we love! Welcome back, girlfriend!) Simon informs him that he can't scream the song from beginning. (Well, he just did exactly that, so what do you know, Mr. Sassypants?) Randy points out that "you gotta support those verses." Kristen and I are on our 4th green beer, so we'll be generous and give danny 7 1/2 River Dances, and a blarney stone. Ricky Skaggs is in agreeance with the judges.
It's Anoop time! He's got to redeem himself from a weak performance of a bad song choice last week. Can he do it with willie Nelson's "Always On My Mind?" Oh yes he can. Kristen notes that his eyes are quite lovely what with the brown and the lashes and the pleading sorrow. It's a gorgeous rendition and he finally, FINALLY shows off his vocal skills. Excellent. Paula's in a tizzy! "Anoop's back! He's back, everybody!" she says, tears of joy welling over her dilated pupils. Simon tells him he went from zero to hero. Randy says the arrangement was dope! (Um...huh? There was nothing special about the arrangement. That's basically the way the song is sung.) Kara calls it the best performance of the night, which displeases Kristen greatly as we all know Adam had the best performance of the night - even if you weren't liking it. Kristen and I give Anoop 9 1/2 leprechaun's and a pass to all the Notre Dame football games. Trace Adkins calls it a touchdown!
Spare us. It's Megan Joy in a granny gown with her boobs looking rather "granny-ish." She's going to sing Patsy Cline's "Walkin' After Midnight" in her quirky style. It's not horrible, but her insistance on standing in one place and moving her trunk like a washing machine agitator is growing tiresome. She also seems almost incapable of keeping her eyes open, tonight. This time, when she's finished, she doesn't caw. Instead, she coughs. Repeatedly. "Feeling a little ill?" asks Randy. Kara says that not a lot of people with the flu can do what she just did. (Other than just about every single other person in show biz, KARA.) Paula tells her that if this is sick, then have at it! Simon thinks she should have flu every week. (What a pleasant suggestion, Simon!) Kristen and I aren't completely without heart, and we do understand the seriousness of flu B, so we'll give her 7 bars of Irish Spring soap and a pint or two to kill what ails her. The Opry's own Patsy Cline isn't so sympathetic.
Last of the night is Matt, performing "So Small" by Carrie Underwood. He gives it his own spin, playing the piano as he sings, and it's nice. Very nice! Kristen and I are pleased (if slightly drunk from the green beer) because we like Matt as he's practically a local boy, if living in another state can count as being local. At the same time, there's a certain level of boredom that occurs when listening to Matt. Again, he's got the skills, but does he have the star quality? He's going to have to get out from behind that piano in order to show us. Kara says, "There's nothing small about you!" (Isn't she just a walking font of double entendre jokes?) Paula tells him he's piercing so many people's hearts! Simon tells him he outsang Danny. (Which isn't that hard to do, Simon. Danny's not exactly the standard bearer for vocal skills.) Randy tells him he's got it going on, baby! Kristen and I give Matty 9 1/2 sainted mothers and a wearing of the green. The legendary Charlie Proud is pleased with Matt's performance, also.
At least they put Scott at the piano so one of the girls didn't have to lead him around this week.
Finally, Ryan gets to it. Going home, tonight, is Alexis, unless the judges choose to save her. Now, she must sing for her survival. It's cruel and painful to watch as the tiny girl, upset and anxious, desperately tries to pull this off. Simon gives the verdict. "It was unanimous. It was good, but not good enough. Sorry." Oh, no. We'll miss you Little Lexi!
Some guy named Obama thinks he's more important than American Idol, so the performance show will air on Wednesday with results on Thursday. This week, the kids put their spin on MoTown. Hitsville, baby! See ya' there!