Kristen and I fix ourselves another of our special sodas....
and a batch of popcorn, and settle in just as the cutest boy walks onto the stage! *squeal!!!* Oh, wait. It's just Ryan.
Ryan tells us this is American Idol and explains that the Top 12 each chose a popular song from the year in which they were born. Which means they will be singing some of the worst music known to man - songs from the 80's and 90's.)
We meet the Top 12, and are relieved that Casey, who was in the hospital last week being given blood transfusions yet again (the guy suffers from ulcerative colitis) is well enough to be on the Idol stage this week.
Ryan kicks off the show, and first up is Naima!
Paul is up next, and we meet his perfectly lovely parents who have no clue where Paul got his musical talent. He was also born in 1984, so opts to sing Elton John's "I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues." Kristen and I call it the crap. His voice is raspy, and some of his fans (Paulists?) defend him as he has a cold or vocal nodes or typhoid fever or what not. Kristen and I don't care. We'd forgive the vocals if he didn't move around the stage like Edward Grimley. JLo feels he has star quality. Randy tells him he's like Ray Lamontage but needs to get the notes right. Steven tells Paul he is a cool dude in a loose mood.
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Kristen and I give him 1.5 Twister games in honor of his loose limbs .
Butt Kiss alert!!!
Jennifer loved it, per her usual. Randy tells him there were some pitchy spots, but he's still getting up there and doing his thing, dawg. Kristen and I give James 4 puppy poppers for getting things moving!
Oh, it's Haley. She was born in 1990, which means
Kristen is half her age in people years, but more than 3 times her age in dog years. Which makes me feel young. Haley has selected Whitney Houston's "I'm Your Baby Tonight." The thing about Haley is she has a unique quality to her voice that, if she can tap into it, she really could have a fabulous career. However, her age and inexperience shows when she randomly throws in growls and husky tones. Also, much like her namesake, Haley Scranato, she is determined to be the sex kitten of the season. Maybe it's working. JLo offers up some great advise. She tells Haley to loosen up, and only sing notes that feel right. (Take that interfering producers!) Randy wants to know who she is. Steven felt it was "sweet and tough." But, he's looking for a Janis Joplin bluesy style from her. Oh, Steven. A sweet, pretty 20 year old might be able to IMITATE Janis, but she's not going to come close to being able to give a song the emotion that Janis did. Kristen and I give her 2.5 lovely slumber party housecoats to keep her covered up.
It's Stefano! Kristen blushes and giggles and begins texting the maltese down the street. "He is so cuuuuute! OMG! OMG!" Stefano was born in 1989 and decided to overlook Funky Cold Medina in favor of Simply Red's cover of "If You Don't Know Me By Now." The boy nails it. Absolutley NAILS it. Kristen, now lying on her back with her tongue lolling out to the side of her mouth, wants me to write, "Kristen and Stefano 4 ever!" on her collar. I refuse. I'm still all about the rocker. Randy says it was the best performance of the night so far. He says Stefano chose a song with the highest degree of difficulty and slayed it. Steven says, "Great phrasing! Over the Top! Beautiful!" Finally! Drink!
JLo is one with Kristen, all googly eyes and blushing, "You could take this whole thing!" she tells Stefano. And indeed, he could. Kristen gives him 4 mystery date games for being a dream!.
Sweet Karen, born in 1989, enters the stage dressed like a cross between Amy Winehouse and Nancy Sinatra. She has chosen Taylor Dane's "Love Will Lead You Back." She is note-for-note perfect, but, unfortunately, is note-for-note boring. Despite the fact that she insisted in the intro package that she does not want to be known as just the Latina singer, she sings the second verse in Spanish. Randy isn't jumping up and down. Steven likes her ethnic whatz it. Jennifer could tell she was a little scared, but liked how she attacked it. She advises that she not go for notes if she is not confident she can hit them. (School Marm JLo strikes again!) Kristen gives her 2.5 torturous hair rollers for bold hair yet a bland performance.
Here comes Casey! Kristen and I are stunned to learn he was born in 1991. We were thinking that might be the year he graduated from high school. He has chosen Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit." Pretty ambitious choice, but if anyone can bring something new to it, it is Casey Abrams. And he does! He brings grunts and growls and creepy faces. Thanks, Casey. Kristen will be up half the night with nightmares of a giant, angry, singing bear chasing her. Steven tells him he's crazy (we kind of got that) and that he has some kind of goop.
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Jennifer wishes it had been more pleasant. Randy says that Casey puts art before commerce. Kristen and I think he puts his ego before common sense. But, what do we know? Kristen and I give him 1.5 Scary Bear Sleeping Bags.
Closing the show is our favorite lab-like contestant, Jacob Lusk. He was born in 1987, so, naturally, he chose Heart's "Alone." Kristen and I are not being facetious. Have you seen the top songs from 1987? Let's just say Madonna's "Who's That Girl" was at the top of the pack. Nevertheless, with Jacob's incredible range and powerful vocals, Kristen and I are anticipating a great performance. So much for anticipation. It's awful. It's the worst Jacob has done, and definitely the worst performance of the night. He is sharp, shrieky, shrill. Randy tells him it was nice, and that he lost it at the modulation but found his way back. Found his way back to where, Randy? Ear-Splitters R Us? Steven says that even though Jacob's momma can't sing, she gave him moxie.
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KRISTEN'S PICKS
Hideous
Jacob
Paul
Spooky Bad
Casey
Naima
Pretty Princess Prudent Performances
Thia
Pia
Lauren
Karen
Haley
Where The Boys Are Good
Scotty
James
Stefano
RESULTS!!
The contestants tell us what they wanted to be when they grew up. Needless to say, most of the guys wanted to astronauts and firemen. The girls all wanted to be singers/performers.
Charity alert!! The judges and Ryan stand soberly to the side of the stage and tell us that if we purchase the itunes compilation of performance songs from this week, the money will go to Japan Relief.
Next up: Group sing!
You three sit down! You're all safe!
Kristen and I are going to cut to the chase! The bottom 3: Karen, Naima, and Hot Pants Haley.
Lee Dewyze performs. He is brimming over with personality, per his usual.
Back to the results. Naima is sent back to safety, so it's between Kristen and my beloved Karen and the demonic Haley. The demonic Haley is safe (par for the course for a demon.) Karen sings for her survival, but the judges tell her adios.
Psst! Maybe it was the high hair, Karen.
So next week these kids:
Sing the songs of these kids:
See you there!
So sad to see Karen go...
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