KRISTEN THE YELLOW LAB'S DOSE OF REALITY: AMERICAN IDOL, X FACTOR, AND SUNDRY!

AMERICAN IDOL 11: SAVANNAH AUDITIONS

2012-01-29T10:29:00.000-08:00

AKA: WELL PHILLIP-DEE-DEE!

Kristen the Yellow Belle

Kristen the Yellow Lab and I are Southern Belles! After all, what better way to celebrate The Savannah, Georgia Auditions on American Idol, Season 11? Why, with a little southern cooking, of course! Paula Deen, a Savannah gal herself, won't allow us to waste away to bones as we cheer for, agonize over, and rant at the new set of hopefuls who all aspire to be the next Kelly-Ruben-Fantasia-Carrie-Taylor-Jordin-David-Kris-Lee-Scotty. (Although, we're not sure too many aspire to be the next Lee ... bless his heart..) While Paula whips up a heapin' plate o' vittles, we're ready for the festivities to begin! For THIS is American Idol.

"Here! Have a dish o' buttah! "

Well, we do declare! Who's the hussy in the jeans so tight we can see what she looks like without her shimmy? Oh, hold on! It's just Ryan.

He's here to tell us that this is the ten year anniversary of American Idol. (Which means that Season 1 winner, Kelly Clarkson, is hovering dangerously close to peri-menopause. But, Kristen and I are not ones to gossip.) Ryan introduces us to the Savannah talent, wondering if the next American Idol is in this crowd:

The judges arrive, and Kristen and I are instantly scandalized! Mr. Steven Tyler of Boston is wearing the same hat that Miss Lucy Crone of Savannah wore to last Sunday church services! Sir? Have you no decency?

At any rate, the auditions begin. Kristen and I have a sneaking suspicion that the producers are trying to recapture last season's success with The Country Bieber, Scotty McCreery as the first half hour of the show is plum full of youngsters!

First up is a fine young man, David Leathers, who is 17 going on 12. He claims his friends call him Mr. Steal Your Girl, which does not seem particularly likely unless his friends are in 6th grade. However, he did remember to dress for the occasion, wearing a shirt and tie. Kristen and I nod our feathered bonnets in approval. He has a lovely tenor voice with an incredible range, which he displays by performing Century 21's Remember the Rain. He reminds the judges so much of a young Michael Jackson, they ask him to attempt one of his songs. He does a spot-on version of Never Can Say Goodbye. The judges say "YES!" in unison.

Gabi Carubba is a 16-year-old sweet thing who has waited her whole life to audition for Idol. HER WHOLE LIFE, people. I have bed sheets older than she is! Gabi is a dancer who has been performing since her days in the Diaper Dancers. She informs Ryan that the one reaction she wants from the judges is Steven's "mmmm hmmmm" look as that shows he loves the performance. Oh, dear child. Steven is 63 years old. When he's doing that, he's actually napping. Nevertheless, she gives a solid performance of Maroon 5's Sunday Morning, and makes her way to Hollywood.

Next we get a quick glimpse of a few more junior misses who are sent through, 15- year-olds Brianna Faulk and Molly Hunt. We see a few seconds of Neco Starr, age 20, singing Bruno Mars Grenade in a fairly uninteresting manner. But, the most impressive audition of the montage belongs to Elise Testone, she of the dowager age of 28. She has a bluesy, Amy Winehouse vibe. Plus, she's full-grown, which is a pleasant change of pace..

Why, in my day, Kristen, children were best seen and not heard. That was the way of The South! Now, how about a mint julip with that buttah?

After telling us that every single one of the first auditions made it through to Hollywood, Ryan introduces us to 19-year-old Jessica Whitley of Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio. Kristen and I see where this narrative is going. Jessica will be the first not to make it through., which will add insult to injury. However, she seems to have the pedigree. She has been performing for years, even singing The National Anthem at sporting events. So, how bad can she be? Oh my. Apparently, she left out the part where she performs the National Anthem at the sporting events at schools for the deaf. Her voice has an odd, strangled tone that makes Kristen and I wonder if her head is going to start spinning and she'll be spewing pea soup. While Steven and JLo try to let her down easy, Randy cuts to the chance. "Awful," he says. Jessica doesn't flinch. "You'll see me in Texas!" she tells the judges as she exits sans golden ticket. "What?" the judges query. "She's going to audition, again?" JLo feels that "someone needs to tell her not to." Oh, JLo. And waste a perfectly good opportunity to use her for mocking purposes yet again? Have you ever actually WATCHED American Idol.?

Here comes Shaun Kraisman, all dressed in his Sunday best. He has been told for years he could be Ryan's twin.. Kristen and I say he needs to take off 20 pounds, spend a few months at a tanning salon, and overdose on Crest White Strips before he'll qualify for that doppelganger title. Ryan challenges him to dual at 30 paces, and before either Kristen or I have the opportunity to swoon, the pair of them shout, in unison, "THIS is American Idol!" Ryan's job is safe as is the title of American Idol.. Shaun can't sing. He does a tepid, slightly off-key version of Oh Girl by the Shilights. He's not going to Hollywood, but he might be doing traffic reports at a local station near you someday. Shaun Kraisman....OUT.

"Aw, now don't be sad, darlin'! Have some buttah!"

Shannon Magrane is another from the youth brigade. She is 15 years old, six feet tall, and plays high school volleyball. Oh, and her dad is former St. Louis Cardinals baseball player, southpaw Joe Magrane. This impresses the judges so much, they ask Shannon to bring in the whole family. A tall dad, a cheerful mom, and what appears to be several dozen teenaged girls enter the audition area. What is this? Keeping Up With the Duggars? Dad innocently asks Steven what the weather is like in Boston. "Hot, humid, and happening" replies Steven, "just like your daughter." Before Dad can climb over the judges table and defend his daughter's honor, the other judges insist she sing. She performs Etta James (RIP) Something's Got a Hold On Me. She can sing! Randy is most impressed by her nerves of steel-(magnolias.) She is put through to Hollywood, but Kristen and I would like to suggest she be thoroughly chaperoned at all times to ward off unworthy gentleman callers.

Next up is the first of this season's sob stories. Amy Brumfield is a 24-year-old homeless woman. She and her husband live in a tent in the woods in Tennessee. Despite their poverty, Amy is happy. She says her husband treats her so well. She never expected to be treated that good in her life. And he does, indeed, work odd jobs and do everything he can to provide them with food and fuel. She calls herself a hipsy and says she's quite happy. Amy says she'd rather be outside and happy than inside and miserable. Kristen and I can't help but wonder what this young woman's life has been like up until this point that she is content and feels well-cared for while being homeless. But, we'll think about that tomorrow as tomorrow is another day. Amy does a lovely version of Alisha Keye's "Superwoman" and off she goes to Hollywood, where she hopes she can pitch a tent "behind the mansion."

Here comes Joshua Chavis whose dream is to sing the National Anthem at Nascar...for his Mama. He is also JLo's biggest fan. And he wears his jeans a bit too low per the picture to your right. Josh claims his voice has been compared to Brad Paisley and Chris Daughtry. He performs Jason Mraz' I'm Yours like the guy who sings fairly well along with the radio in the car. After being told No, he has a tearful meltdown referred to in these parts as a hissy fit. Paula Deen to the rescue!

"Here ya' go, darlin'! Buttah will cure what ails ya'!"

Next is Stephanie Renae, yet another of the teenybopper crowd. She also cut her teeth on Idol, so has chosen the coronation song of her favorite, Carrie Underwood. Kristen and I get the vapors! We DO recall when our own Bo Bice sang this song just for us on the American Idol Season 4 finale.

Fiddle-dee-dee!

Stephanie is Kristen and my favorite of the teen performer despite her not being the strongest vocal. She has a sweetness about her that seems genuine. She makes it to Hollywood on the strength of Steven and JLo's belief in her. Randy is not sure that she's quite ready, and he might be correct..

Onto 16 year old Schyler Dixon who happens to be the sister of one Colton Dixon who made it all the way to top 40 last year before being cut. Schyler is nervous and ready to show her stuff to the judges when they ask about Colton. Uh-oh. Really, judges? She tells them that he came along with her for moral support but chose not to audition this year. The judges won't hear of it. "Bring him in here!" they demand. Colton enters, hems and haws, and finally agrees that he will steal his sister's thunder and perform for the judges. Kristen and I wonder if this has been Schyler's entire life's existance. "Hey Schyler. Can you come to my birthday party? Oh, and bring your cute brother!" Schyler, though, has a lovely voice in her own right. She sings "Break Even" by the Script and shows some real chops. Colton, on the other hand, is only just okay with David Cook's "Permanence." But, since the judges know him well from last season, and also, since they pretty much set it up to put him through to Hollywood, they both move onto the next round.

"That's okay, Colton. Steal my audition. Really, I don't mind. I'll just go home and cut myself like I always do when everyone loves you better."

Lauren Mink is a lovely 25 year old who works with adults with intellectual disabilities such as Down's Syndrome and autism. She is smart, poised, and brings a pretty voice to the table. She gives JLo "Goosies!" as she performs Country Strong from the movie of the same name. Three yeses, and Kristen and I hope she goes far. She is a nice break from the chipper teens who have not experienced much real world adventure and diversity in their barely-over-a-decade lives.

"Isn't it a pleasure that everyone in the world is exactly like us?"

Now we've got Mawuena Kodja, a man from West Africa who is currently living in Nashville. He sings some Rascal Flatts song or other, but it's hard to tell, really. He is tuneless and the lyrics are buried far too deeply in his accent. He argues with Randy that he is, in fact, a great singer. Randy makes a deal with him that if he can find one person on the street who wants him through to Hollywood, he'll put him through. Ryan and Mawuena find a small group.. a granddad and his shy granddaughters. They are far too filled with southern politeness to say otherwise, so they inform the judges that Mawuena is good enough, in their humble opinion, to go onto the next round. The judges aren't about to keep this deal, and Mawuena is sent packing.

Mawuena gets an enthusiastic response from his fans!

Ashley Altise is an interesting 28 year old who comes across as a potential joke audition. She dances around the waiting area doing her patented "Joy Hop." However, she can sing and does an interesting performance of The Beatles Come Together. She could be this season's Sanjaya if it she makes it far.

We do declare!

W.T. Thompson is a former prison guard. He has a Michael Sarver vibe to him with a decent enough voice but nothing that says, "Star quality." He sings Little Big Town's Boondocks pretty much as expected... like a good ole country boy who can jam it down at the local saloon. Despite Steven not thinking he's ready, JLo and Randy put him through. Kristen and I are pretty sure that's the last we'l'l see of him.

Erica Nowak thinks Steven is smoking hot. In fact, she calls him her future ex-husband. She gives him a hug before she sings and goes for the little grabby-grabby. She then performs Joss Stone's Super Duper Love. She's got a little bit of the whiskey-soaked voice going on, but really can't pull it off. No golden ticket, but she's happy because she got a little Steven Tyler in her hands. She also tells us he has an amazing behind.

Well, great balls of fire!

"I said BUTTAH, not BUTT!"

Brittney Kerr is a Carrie Underwood on stilletos. She sings yet another Joss Stone tune, Spoiled, but does not even come close to giving it the grit and flavor it requires. She can carry a tune and is drop-dead gorgeous, so Steven and Randy take a chance and put her through. JLo is not convinced she's got the goods. No, JLo does not think she has a chance at all.

"Meow.... y'all."

Finally, the high point of the night. Phillip Phillips was apparently named after his grandfather's last name. He is this season's boy with the flannel shirt/guitar. After performing a very decent version of Stevie's Superstitious, the judges allow him to break the rules and pull out said guitar. He does his own version of Michael Jackson's Thriller that is quite impressive both artistically and vocally. Realistically, he has already leapt to front-runner status based on the fact that he a. has a penis b. has a flannel shirt c. has a guitar. However, Kristen and I are happy to report that he does also seem to have a little something going on that could make him far more interesting than the average white guy with guitar we've seen in the past. He's more Kris Allen than Lee Dewyze, and far more David Cook than Scotty McCreery. Definitely our favorite of the night. Of course, it doesn't hurt that he's got the potential to make teens hearts throb.

.And that is a wrap, belles and beaus! Kristen and I are headed north to test the metal of the kids in the Steel City of Pittsburgh, PA! Y'all come join us. Hear?

X FACTOR USA: WEEK 2 AUDITIONS

2011-10-07T14:03:00.000-07:00

AKA: GREETINGS FROM PLANET PAULA: WE COME IN PEACE

Day 1: September 27, 2011

Kristen the Yellow Lab and I are in a space oddity!! After all, what else can we expect when traveling to Planet Paula for the second week of X Factor USA auditions? We've taken our protein pills, put our helmets on. Now, we are watching Paula float in a most peculiar way. Count down, astronauts and astronettes, for THIS is X-Factor!

CLICK HERE TO READ MORE!

X Factor USA: Week 1 Auditions

2011-10-01T11:59:00.000-07:00

AKA: REUNITED AND IT FEELS SO RUDE

THE X-STEN FACTOR

Kristen the Yellow Lab and I are pleased to say, "THEY'RE BAAAAACK!!" Our favorite team of crazy cougar and acerbic Brit have returned to us at last!

And Kristen and I plan to blog every hyperbolic, bloated, talent-shy, over-the-top, hubris-filled moment. For, ladies and gentlemen, THIS is the X Factor!

Will clap for food.

CLICK HERE TO READ MORE!

AMERICAN IDOL 10: TOP 11 PART II: ELTON JOHN WEEK

2011-04-18T17:52:00.000-07:00

AKA: BURN DOWN THE PIANO

Kristen the Yellow Lab and I are having a couple of vodker and tonics. After all, what better way to celebrate Elton John Week on American Idol? The two of us are far too youthful to remember when rock was young, nevertheless, we've got our electric boots and mohair suits at the ready. We might even take a gander at horny-back toad hunting!

At any rate, here comes that little sugar bear, Ryan, to tell us THIS is American Idol.

CLICK HERE TO READ MORE!

AMERICAN IDOL 10: TOP 11: MOTOWN WEEK

2011-04-08T19:55:00.000-07:00

AKA: WHO'S A GONNA GO-GO? ANYBODY?

My girl, Kristen the Yellow Lab, and I are dancing in the streets!! After all, what better way to celebrate Motown Week on American Idol? Besides, we heard it through the grapevine that it doesn't matter what we wear, as long as we are there! So, we'll keep dancing as long as it's not the same old song. That is, until someone tells us to Stop! in the name of all things holy.

And that person would be Little Ryan Wonder, who proclaims THIS is American Idol. Then, he pulls out the same moldy filmstrip that we are forced to watch every season during MoTown week.

The judges are here because, let's face it, they've got nowhere to run. Steven seems to be on Cloud Nine, per his usual. JLo is creating a heat wave with her gorgeousness, while. Randy's vocab continues to be as simple as ABC.

CLICK HERE TO READ MORE!

AMERICAN IDOL 10: TOP 12: YEAR OF YOUR BIRTH WEEK

2011-03-30T15:49:00.000-07:00

AKA: SMELLS LIKE TEEN WEREWOLF

Kristen the Yellow Lab and I are having a slumber party! After all, what better way to celebrate Songs From the Year of Your Birth week on American Idol? As we've already broken into the liquor cabinet, placed each other's bras in the freezer, and played a rowdy game of Truth or Dare (Kristen has a crush on the labradoodle down the street! HA!), we have decided we will spend the next few hours watching the Idol youngsters ~~bastardize~~ sing songs that are near and dear to our hearts.

Kristen and I fix ourselves another of our special sodas....

and a batch of popcorn, and settle in just as the cutest boy walks onto the stage! *squeal!!!* Oh, wait. It's just Ryan.

Ryan tells us this is American Idol and explains that the Top 12 each chose a popular song from the year in which they were born. Which means they will be singing some of the worst music known to man - songs from the 80's and 90's.)

CLICK HERE TO READ MORE!

American Idol 10: Top 13: PERSONAL IDOLS WEEK

2011-03-10T17:42:00.000-08:00

AKA: BABY WE'RE AMAZED AT THE PLETHORA OF PASSION

TOP 13

SING THEIR IDOLS

Kristen the Yellow Lab and I are looking through our well-preserved scrap books, gazing at the cover photos progressing from Tiger Beat to Rolling Stone, from Dog World to Modern Dog. After all, what better way to spend an afternoon during "Personal Idols Week" on American Idol than reminiscing over our own fan girl days? I remark that Donny Osmond is still the same wholesome, good-looking fellow he was back in the days of my puppy love. And how about that David Cassidy? John Travolta? Eddie Van Halen? Bruce Springsteen? Fortunately, Kristen and I no longer engage in silly crushes and adoration of the stars. We're beyond it. Right Kristen?

Ryan tells us THIS is American Idol, and Kristen and I have no choice but to believe him. The judges come out at the command of the big, scary voice from off-stage, all arm-in-arm and huddled together. Ryan congratulates JLo on the fact that the single she performed on the show last week went to number one on iTunes. (Which is not the same as having a number one single. Kristen and I just felt we should point that out.)

The Idols enter the stage, and Ryan delivers some information to the unsuspecting viewing audience. Beginning this week, the kids are working with Jimmy Iovine, producer and chairman of Interscope records. Jimmy will bring in his own stable of producers to ensure that every song the Idols sing is a hit! Except, they were already hits. That's why the Idols are singing them.

On with the show!

CLICK HERE TO READ MORE!

AMERICAN IDOL 10: TOP 12 GIRLS

2011-03-09T16:35:00.000-08:00

AKA: IF YA HEAR ANY NOISE, IT AIN'T THE BOYS. IT'S LADIES NIGHT, UH-HUH!

Kristen the Yellow Lab and I are having two for one! After all, it's Ladies Night on American Idol. What better way to celebrate than in our best finery, quaffing a cocktail or two as we listen to ~~lounge singers~~ fabulous female vocalists perform for a spot in the Top 12?

(We get the Steven Tyler seal of approval.)

Ryan tells us that THIS is American Idol, and the theme song, which sounds even more hyperactive this season, twangs into gear. Then, a voice, which bears a frightening resemblance to God in the DeMille classic "The Ten Commandments," demands that we give it up for our judges. The three take the walk of awkwardness to their chairs.

Jennifer glows and glistens and calls the girls special. Randy implies we need to take this voting business very seriously, America. After all, we are building the American Idol Top 12! Steven mumbles something about it being a full moon. Or maybe he wanted to give the audience a full moon. Kristen and I can't be too sure.

At any rate, we've got a deadline to meet, so it's time to meet the ladies!

CLICK HERE TO READ MORE!

AMERICAN IDOL 10: TOP 12 BOYS

2011-03-08T15:20:00.000-08:00

AKA: A CHAIR IS STILL A CHAIR, EVEN WHEN SIMON'S NOT SITTING THERE

KRISTEN'S BAAAACK IN THE SADDLE AGAIN!

She has returned to the land of AI blogging after a much-needed incubation period! (Some use rehab. Some use the Sober Valley Lodge. Kristen prefers the more hard-boiled approach.)

First, Kristen has some news. She'll be blunt. Simon is no longer with us.

Fortunately, Kristen will always have this momento of her time with Simon. Until we meet again, you saucy Brit! (Or until XFactor starts in the fall.)

Never fear, though. All is not lost. Doing his civic duty and holding up the fort by returning to the show? Our hero.... the TRUE American Idol ...Ryan.

And this season's judges:

Randy (I played with Journey) Jackson!

Steven (Charlie Sheen was not available) Tyler

And Jennifer Lopez-Noa-Judd-Anthony!! aka JLoNoJAn! JLo for short. (BTW, Kristen From the Block thinks JLo's Louboutins are TO DIE for! She'd love to chew a pair or two.)

It's a busy night, so on with the festivities.

CLICK HERE TO READ MORE!

PUP TUNES!

2010-07-14T11:50:00.000-07:00

KRISTEN SAYS:

DON'T HIT THE BEACH WITHOUT THESE TUNES!

CATCH A WAVE TO:

KANYE: POWER

SUNBATH AND GOSSIP TO:

KE$HA: YOUR LOVE IS MY DRUG

WATCH IT HERE!

WORK UP A SWEAT TO:

LA ROUX: BULLETPROOF

WATCH IT HERE!

CLICK HERE TO READ MORE!

TODAY IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE LETTER "L"

2010-07-09T21:13:00.000-07:00

L Is For LeBron who exchanged this:

for this:

Kristen says, "How dare you, sir?"

L Is For LiLo who exchanged this:

for this:

L Is For Liza With a WTF?
Kristen adores the divine Ms. M, however, she did go just a tad Sterile Cuckoo on us this time. We're sure there's a reasonable explanation. However, what defies any excuse is how the producers of American Idol could overlook Liza as a replacement for Paula Abdul! They are soul sisters.
Observe:

L Is For Lab Luv or Loathe.
This week, Kristen luvs:
Maggie Griffin, the mother of Kathy Griffin and the best part of My Life On the D List. Kristen says, "Tip it, Maggie!" Also, everyone should buy Maggie's specially designed "drinking blanket," The Mag-Let.

Paul the Psychic Octopus. He predicts that Spain will win the World Cup. Kristen is sure he also predicted the BP oil spill, but no one was paying attention as they were too focused on futbal or whatever it's called in non-American environments.

This week, Kristen loathes:

The World Cup. Is it Kristen's imagination or has this been going on for 13 months? At any rate, she'd like it if people in the US would quit pretending to care.

Heat waves. Dear Global Warming: WE GET IT!! You exist. Now take a chill pill and let us enjoy our summer in peace.

Happy weekend! Stay cool. Stay hydrated. And don't take any stock tips from psychic octopuses.

AMERICAN IDOL SEASON 9: SYMPATHY FOR THE EAR DRUMS

2010-03-18T20:33:00.000-07:00

THE TOP 12 SING THE MUSIC OF THE ROLLING STONES

Kristen The Yellow Lab and I know it's only rock and roll. But, we like it! Yes we do! Still, will we like the youthful Idols taking on some of our favorite Jagger/Richards tunes? We shall see.

Will it be a bang or bust?

At the very least, it'll be a gas! Check it out at the jump!

CLICK HERE TO READ MORE!

KRISTEN'S TIME MACHINE TUESDAY: What Are Your Former Favorites Up To Now?

2010-03-17T09:02:00.000-07:00

CHECKING IN ON SEASON 8:

What are Kristen's faves from Season 8 up to? Apparently, going a little Crazy with the busy. We'll let them tell you about it:

Allison, Adam, and Kris perform "Crazy" at the Highline Ballroom in NYC on February 12, 2010.

It comes as no surprise to us that the kids are a little loco on stage, what with their insane schedules and brand new, exciting lives. So, what are they up to? Check it out after the jump:

CLICK HERE TO READ MORE!

KRISTEN'S MONDAY MUSIC MUSINGS: THE ROLLING STONES

2010-03-15T15:33:00.000-07:00

The Rolling Stones is one of the greastest bands in the history of rock and roll. Yet, Mick Jagger probably would not have made it through the Hollywood rounds of American Idol.

CLICK HERE TO READ MORE!

SEASON 9 TOP 12 ANNOUNCED: AKA: THE PARTY DON'T START 'TILL KRISTEN'S BLOGGIN'

2010-03-14T12:22:00.000-07:00

Kristen The Yellow Lab and I are being drawn into the light!! We're powerless to resist the brilliance that emanates from our television screen. After all, it is the blinding illumination of the mega-watt talent of the contestants of Season 9 of American Idol!!

But, how??!!! How to turn away from the eerie glow??
Oh, wait. It's just Ryan's teeth. Never mind.

Last night, America was introduced to the twelve contestants who will make up the cast of the most watched television show in the country. In the process, we had to say goodbye to four talented kids. Let it be known that Kristen isn't happy about the results. And, ladies and gentlemen, when Kristen isn't happy, something in our household gets destroyed. American Idol voters? You owe us a new Italian leather sofa. Read more after the jump:
CLICK HERE TO READ MORE!

KT Yellow Labs Dose of Reality Presents:

2009-12-14T14:24:00.000-08:00

KRISTEN'S

MONDAY MEDIA MANIA!

ALL THE IDOL NEWS FIT TO BLOG

SARVER SINGS

Season 8's Michael Sarver has two new singles ready for purchase at iTunes. The former rough neck shows off his bluesy ballad style with the lovely "You Are" and his country vibe with "Cinderella Girl." Michael is on the Dream Records/Universal Music Group and plans to release an album in the spring of 2010.

Check out more news after the jump!

CLICK HERE TO READ MORE!

2009-12-12T11:33:00.000-08:00

KRISTEN'S
KRADAM
KARTOON
SATURDAY

Check out the latest edition of The Death of a Bromance, starring our favorite Idols: Adam Lambert and Kris Allen, AKA: Kradam.

This week: It's a Scandalous Bromance.

CLICK THE LINK TO READ IT!

2009-12-10T21:14:00.000-08:00

KRISTEN'S

MEDIA

MANIA!!!

All the Idol news fit to blog!

As anyone paying attention knows, the media has been dominated by one particular Idol for the past few weeks. Who could it be?

Could it be....

Adam????

But, before we discuss the latest Glam-troversy, let's get to some other Idol news after the jump!

CLICK HERE TO READ MORE!

THURSDAY TALENT SHOW

2009-12-09T21:38:00.000-08:00

KRISTEN THE
YELLOW
TALENT
AGENT

Kristen the Yellow Lab can't try out for American Idol because she's not sure who she is, as an artist. But, she's always happy to encourage others to do so. This young lady is brilliant, and if she went for it, we'd not only vote for her, but we'd write very nice recaps regarding her performances!

Thanks to McLovin from castrocopia.com for the brilliant find.

And here's a fabulous version of Lady Gaga's "Poker Face." Try out for Idol, Stephanie! Meanwhile, best of luck with your music!

2009-12-05T12:05:00.000-08:00

KRISTEN'S
KRADAM
KARTOON
SATURDAY!

Check out this week's edition of The Death of a Bromance, starring Season 8's kool, krazy kats, Adam Lambert and Kris Allen. AKA: Kradam!

CLICK THIS LINK TO CHECK IT OUT!

TABS AND TWEETS - NOVEMBER 17, 2009

2009-11-17T13:40:00.000-08:00

KT YELLOW LAB'S

TABS AND TWEETS

IDOLS IN THE TABLOIDS

AND NEWS FROM THEIR OWN TWITTERS

Get the scoop after the jump!

CLICK HERE TO READ MORE!

MEDIA MONDAY!! NOVEMBER 16, 2009

2009-11-17T11:08:00.000-08:00

KT YELLOW LAB'S

MONDAY MEDIA BLITZ

Hot off the presses!

OUR OWN OUT ISSUE!

ADAM LAMBERT'S OUT!!!

(On the cover, that is.) Out Magazine's annual Out 100 is Adam's fourth magazine cover of the year. It features an indepth article with The Glam One which is not necessarily for the faint of heart.

Check it right here:
Out Interview Part I
Out Interview Part II

KRIS ALLEN'S OUT!!

His album, that is! His eponymous debut went for sale on iTunes and Amazon.com at 11 p.m. 11/16/09. Pick up your copy, today!

Check out the USA Today review:
KRIS ALLEN REVIEW

SARVER IS OUT!!

Of his mind with joy at being signed, that is! Michael Sarver has been signed to Dream Records/Universal and will be releasing a country CD early next year. Michael is the fifth of his Idol class to land a recording contract. Kris Allen and Allison Iraheta are both with Jive Records. Adam Lambert and Danny Gokey have been signed to RCA and RCA/Nashville respectivelly. Good for Michael for joining the pack. Best wishes, Michael! Read about it here:

Michael Sarver Lands a Recording Contract

ALLISON IRAHETA OUT!!

Promoting her music in Spanish, that is! Allison has recorded a version of her new single, "Friday I'll Be Over U," in Spanish. Could our Baby Allison be the Idol to finally cross-over into multi-cultural territory? We hope so!

Ali Sings It In Spanish!

That's the Monday Media for this week. Check back next week to see what the Idol's have been doing during the "off-season."

KRISTEN REVIEWS ADAM LAMBERT'S NEW ALBUM

2009-11-13T13:07:00.001-08:00

DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU GOT INTO?

ADAM LAMBERT:

FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENT

Kristen the Yellow Lab and I are geared up, hoses at the ready, about to slide down the big shiney pole.Why? We've just been listening to the aural equivalent of a four-alarm fire, that's why! Adam Lambert's debut album, For Your Entertainment (19R/RCA), hits stores and on-line outlets on November 23, 2009. Based on the 30- second snippets Kristen and I have listened to, it's gonna be a green Christmas, folks! This album is so hot, it'll melt the snow before it hits the ground. Sorry about that, Santa!

The track list is a cornucopio of some of the hottest writers and producers in the industry, today. Check it out:

1 Music Again (Justin Hawkins, Rob Cavallo) 3:16

2 For Your Entertainment (Claude Kelly/Dr. Luke) 3:35

3 Whataya Want from Me (Pink, Max Martin, Johan Shellbeck) 3:47

4 Strut (Adam Lambert, Kara DioGuardi, Greg Wells) 3:29

5 Soaked (Matthew Bellamy, Rob Cavallo) 4:33

6 Sure Fire Winners (David Gamson, Alexander James, Oliver Leiber, Rob Cavallo) 3:32

7 A Loaded Smile (Linda Perry) 4:04

8 If I Had You (Max Martin, Johan Shellback and Savan Kotecha) 3:48

9 Pick U Up (Rivers Cuomo, Greg Wells, Adam Lambert) 4:00

10 Fever (Lady Gaga, Jeff Bhasker) 3:26

11 Sleepwalker (Ryan Tedder, Aimee Mayo, Chris Lindsey) 4:25

12 Aftermath (Adam Lambert, Alisan Porter, Ferras, Ely Rise, Howard Benson) 4:26

13 Broken Open (Greg Wells, Adam Lambert, Evan Bogart) 5:03

14 Time for Miracles (Alain Johannes, Natasha Shneider, Rob Cavallo) Bonus Track 4:43

** Down The Rabbit Hole iTunes Bonus Track (Adam Lambert, Evan Bogart, Greg Wells)

So, without further ado, click on Kristen's vlog, below. Enjoy the 30 second song snippets and judge for yourself. Turn up your wolfer!

In the interest of fairness, because Kristen is a bit biased in her Lamb-Luv, the opinion of the Resident Teenager was requested. In traditional Resident Teenager short-and-to-the-point speak, here are the results:

1. Music Again = No.

2. For Your Entertainment = Eh. Ok.

3. Whataya Want From Me = YES.

4. Strut = OK.

5. Soaked = Eh. No.

6. Sure Fire Winners = No.

7. Loaded Smile = Nope.

8. If I Had You = Yep.

9. Pick U Up = Yes.

10. Fever = Nah.

11. Sleepwalker = No.

12. Aftermath = OK.

13. Broken Open = OK.

14. Time For Miracles No.

So, based on Kristen's calculations, Resident Teenager liked 3 of the songs, was okay with 4 of them, and disliked 7 of them. Giving the album a 2.5 out of 5. Hmmm. Kristen says, "No soup for you, Resident Teenager!"

Now, run over to iTunes or Amazon.com and pre-order the album. DO NOT STEAL music! Kristen says: Just say "NO!" to piracy!

Check back next Friday when Kristen will review Idol Winner, Kris Allen's self-titled debut! (Available November 17.)

Keep the Lab Luv alive!

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Lose the Hate at OneTrueMedia.com

2009-11-04T14:21:00.001-08:00

Kristen the Yellow Lab and I enjoy the democratic process as much as the next person (or yellow lab, as the case may be.) We're also firm believers in the right to bear opinions, concealed or otherwise. However, what we don't care for is when people (or yellow labs, for that matter) are given the option to deny their fellow citizens the freedoms they, themselves, enjoy.

In other words, why in the hell do we actually get to VOTE on whether or not gays can marry? If they're consenting adults, shouldn't that just be - oh, I don't know - a RIGHT? Kristen says it should. But, yellow labs don't know from hate, so they place the whole homophobia issue on their very long list of stupid human quirks they'll never understand. Kristen would never deny anyone the right to love her, pet her, feed her Milk Bone biscuits all day long, no matter what their color, creed, or sexual orientation. So why do humans deny one another the right to be loving and commited to one another?

Kristen doesn't know. She's going to chew on a bone and think it over. In the meantime, enjoy this video we made. (This one's for you, Bobby. Kristen would have loved you if she had ever met you. Of all the cousins, you were a true yellow lab in spirit!)

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

P.S. Coming tomorrow!! Kristen Reviews Adam Lambert's new album. She'll also review Adam, Kris and Baby Ali's hot new singles. But, she needs to get her required 18 hours per day of lab sleep in, so you'll have to wait!

Season 8: Final 3: Judge's Choice

2009-07-02T17:12:00.000-07:00

AKA: THREE'S ONE HEARTLESS CROWD

Kristen The Yellow Lab and I are on a short, structured home visit from The Clay Aiken Memorial Fan Rage and Depression Treatment Center, which specializes in the care of American Idol devotees who are victims of "America Is Just So Stupid It's Not Even Funny Anymore syndrome." We were shipped off to the facility after it was discovered that Kristen and I were solely responsible for the flaming bags of dog poo left on the doorsteps of every resident in the entire state of Arkansas. Since we've been in treatment, we have learned that life doesn't always go the way one wants or expects it to go. But,the tenets of good sportsmanship dictate that we embrace the final outcome and move on. Which we plan to do. Right around the time we're able to build a snowmen in hell.

What has caused Kristen and I to behave so irrationally, you ask? Well, to fully understand the answer to that we need to blog you back in time. Back to a day when hope was still alive, and Adam Lambert was still the winner of American Idol. Back, back to the month of May and The Final Three....

As you may recall, Allison did not make the cut to the Final Three because America hates redheads. Adam,however, still remains. But, the joke is on you, America! Adam is actually a natural redhead! He announced this startling news in his Rolling Stone cover interview.
Danny and Kris made the finale. Neither is a redhead. Coincidence? Kristen and I think not.

Ryan roars into Final 3 night, ready for the snapping and biting that's going to take place amongst the judges later. He explains that, this week, each of the three finalists will sing two songs. One song was selected by a judge, while another was the choice of the contestant. (Handy Tip: If you're ever a contestant on American Idol, and the judge who picks your song's name starts with P and ends with aula, consider yourself a goner.)

Ladies and gents, say hi to your final three! Kristen and I note that Adam looks confident, Danny looks strange in Allison's Slow Ride boots, and Kris looks like his usual defeated self. Toughen up, kid! The business will prove to be much more heartless than your experience on a reality TV show.

First up is Danny Gokey. He learned, on his visit to his hometown of Milwaukee, that Judge Paula selected his tune. For Danny, Paula chose Terence Trent D'Arby's "Dance Little Sister." Wow, Paula! A dance tune for a guy who can't dance. Brilliant choice. The thing is, Danny has the right voice for TTD. But, Kristen and I agree that she should have offered up "Wishing Well." Danny gives it his all, which includes plenty of shouting and doot-dooting, but it's not quite enough. It was old-fashioned and Vegasy. Randy found it dope. (Or did he say "dopey?" Kristen and I aren't sure.) Kara hated his dancing. Paula thought he was magic. Simon agrees with Kristen and me. "Right artist, wrong song." Kristen and I give Danny 6 Three Blind Mice, for bringing the cheese.

Meanwhile, Simon has taken this opportunity to throw Paula on the floor and have his way with her.

With four judges and three performers, two of the judges have to share. That prize went to Kara and Randy, who got to pick for Kris. He learns on his home visit to Conway, Arkansas (home of the one traffic light) that they have selected One Republic's "Apologize." Kristen and I agreed that this was a most excellent choice. Kinda. Kris sings it straight while perched at the piano. The reason One Republic's "Apologize" was such a huge hit was because of Timbaland's production skills. His judicious use of Auto Tune gave it a haunting, desperate quality. Sung straight? Not so much. Kris falsetto is also not one of his vocal assets, and this song requires it. Still, it was current and Kris is charming.
Randy says he could sell a million records with a song like this. Kara says it was competent, but she would have preferred an accoustic performance. Paula was proud of his bum note. Simon blames Kara for not living up to her responsiblities. A battle ensues. There were no survivors. (Not really, but wouldn't that have been awesome?) Kristen and I give him 8 three stooges for a nice performance that got lost in the judges stoogery.

Kristen is on her back, and all is right with the world, because here comes Adam! For Adam, Simon has selected U2's "One." Adam is bathed in a soft blue light. His voice is clear and pure, and the opening is absolutely lovely. Then, there is a jarring break when he moves into the chorus. He churches it up, throwing his emotions on the stage, as he shouts to us that he just can't keep holding on. He hits his trademark power note, then gently lets it cascade down a full octave. Powerful performance, but was the change up at the chorus too much for the audience at home?
Randy says he's one of the hottest three in the competition. Kara says he did his own version. Paula says "One American Idol that I'm staring at right now!" (Thanks for jinxing things, PAULA!) Simon gloats that, per his usual, he picked the best song of the bunch, and says if Adam is not in the finale next week, it will be the biggest upset ever. (Agreed.) Kristen and I give him 9.5 My Three Sons for brilliant vocals, but are taking off points for an overwrought presentation. But, Adam doesn't need our approval, when he's got a father who gazes at him like this.

Back to Danny who has selected "You Are So Beautiful" by Joe Cocker. Except he sings it "Bee-yooo-tee-ful." It's actually one of Danny's best performances all season, as he seems to have gotten lost in the lyric. Randy says mad vocals. Kara and Paula are verklempt. Simon calls it a vocal masterclass. (Um.....okay???) Kristen and I give him 9 three bears for an excellent vocal and for not telling us that this is the song he sang to Sophia on their wedding day. (Hindsight: That might have been a wise strategic move.)

Kris is up next. He tells us he has chosen Kanye West "Heartless." Kristen greets this news with a huge tail wag. For one thing, we love Kanye. For another, we know Kris will do some wonderful things with it. He does. He performs The Fray's version of the song, but adds a vulnerability they lack. Did you hear that squeak? That was the sound of the competition turning on its heel. Randy says it was dope. Kara tells him that's what she wanted him to do with "Apologize." Paula says he's the bravest. Simon says he'd given up on him, but not after that performance. And Kradam fans all over the country dare to hope, dare to dream. Maybe? Maybe an Adam/Kris finale? Kristen and I give him 9.5 Three Amigos in the hope that he ends up in the finale with his best amigo, Adam.

Adam takes the stage for the last time until the finale. He has chosen Aerosmith's "Cry." It starts off great, with Adam's powerful rocker voice giving the song exactly the right amount of ooomph it requires. Then, a near-disaster. Something is wrong with the sound mix, and a very off-key, very loud background singer drowns out the vocals, throwing Adam off the pitch. He yanks out his ear piece, gets back on track, and finishes the song with his trade-mark piercing wail. (See, that's how it's done, Danny!) Randy says he should be a rock star. Kara wonders who hits those kinds of notes. Than reminds us, "Adam hits those notes!" Paula says Adam has set the bar so high, she hopes he's collecting frequent flyer miles. Simon says no one should assume Adam will sail through to the finale. But, he does deserve to be there, based on talent. That is absolute truth. Kristen and I give Adam a 9.0 Sex and Drugs and Rock N Roll for this. For Adam, the performance was a bit off. Although, the truth is, "off" for Adam would be "brilliant" for any of the other competitors. Nevertheless, the voting public has expectations, and they are high for Adam.

Kristen and my rankings:

Three Tenor Worthy:

Kris - Heartless
Adam - One

Peter Paul and Mary Worthy:

Danny - Endless Love
Adam - Crying

Alvin and the Chipmunks Worthy

Kris - Apologize
Danny - Dance Little Sister

RESULTS

For some inexplicable reason, Ben Stiller is on our TV screen. What does he have to do with American Idol? Oh wait. He has a new movie to promote. Carry on.

It's down to these three young gents.

Because Idol was too cheap to put on Idol Gives Back this season, they give us tiny mini segments where they ask us to give money to various causes. This week, Alicia Keyes takes the stage to explain to us that we can help save the lives of children dying from malaria in effected regions of the world with a small donation. (Fact: The most deadly animal on the planet is the lowly mosquito.) To entice us, she presents us with this adorable child who lip syncs to something or other and bops around the stage.

Next, we're treated to "Ye Olde Hometowne Visits." This is the part of the show where the Top 3 gets to experience what it would be like if they'd landed on the moon, won the World Series, or defeated the Axis Powers. They are flown, via private jet, to the towns that nurtured their talent. There, they are greeted by bands, mayors, and shrieking fans.

Here's Danny's visit to Milwaukee. Danny gets the "Emotional Edit."

Here is Danny, emotionally reunited with best friend, Jamal!

Here are Danny's fans, emotionally showing their sense of humor!

Here is Danny, emotionall overwhelmed!

And even more emotionally overwhelmed!

Onto Kris' visit to his hometown of Conway, Arkansas, population 38 million text votes. Kris gets the "Mom and Apple Pie" edit.

Here is Kris, all American as apple pie!

Here is Small Town, USA, greeting Kris, their hero - totally apple pie!

And here's Kris' proud parents, including Mom!

As a show of solidarity with Adam, Kris painted one of his thumbnails. Cutie pie!

And, now for Adam's. Oh wait. They're not showing Adam's, yet. Uh-oh. Kristen and I don't like this. (Sense of doom.)

Jordin Sparks drifts out in a sea of dry ice to sing some new song or other, probably about promise rings and Jonas Brothers, but no one cares because we haven't seen Adam's Hometown Visit, and we're all nervous and in state of angst. So, go away, Jordin Sparks. (You stole Melinda Doolittle's rightful title, anyway.)

OK. Finally! It's Adam's turn to visit his hometown of San Diego, California. He gets the "Rock Star" edit.

Here's Adam being a rock star in a limo. (Kind of a wide-eyed rock star, but still...)

Here's Adam's stalkerish fans gaping into his rock star limo.

Here's a semi-naked girl jumping on stage with Adam as if she were at a rock star concert.

Here's Adam protected by a gigantic rock-star style body guard.

Next, Katy Perry enters the stage to perform "Waking Up In Vegas." Hmmm. I wonder who Katy Perry wants to win American Idol 8? Gosh. I guess we'll never know.

Time for Results! But first, Kradam gives us one more show of solidarity. Kris painted one thumbnail, while Adam removed the polish from one of his. Kristen and I find that adorable! In a junior highish sort of way. Poor Danny's all, "When will I ever be invited to the cool kids' lunch table?"

Moment of truth. Take the stage, fellas.

First guy to make the finale? KRIS ALLEN!!

Uh-oh. Simon's worried. Will his boy, Adam, take the final spot?

Simon can barely stand to watch. Neither can Kristen nor I.

And the next person in the finale is.......................

ADAM!!!!!!!! Simon has a happy!

Oh ho!! Kara has a mad!

Adam's on emotion overload:

Farewell, Danny. It's been a long, wonderful journey. You're a good guy. Kristen and I wish you well in your career. *sniffle*

Onto the finale with these two. Uh...boys? Maybe you'd care to get a room?

Best finale pair ever. Kradam:

Kristen and I will recap the finale next week. Please! It's not like you all don't know who won.

AMERICAN IDOL SEASON 8: TOP 4: ROCK WEEK

2009-05-10T07:59:00.001-07:00

AKA: WE'RE GONNA GIVE YOU EVERY INCH OF OUR RECAP

This recap is extremely late because Kristen The Yellow Lab and I have been in deep mourning. After all, what other way to deal with the untimely loss of our lovely singing tomato, Allison? Once again, the American culture of bias rears its ugly head, and the ginger-phobes triumph over forward-thinking individuals. Kristen and I dream of the day when redheads are given the respect due them, and are no longer treated like zanies in a candy factory or scary puppets.

As for the show itself, Kristen the Yellow Lab and I are staggering our way through a haze of illegal substance, dressed in $150 worth of merch purchased at concessions, ready to throw rocker horns all night long. After all, what better way to celebrate Rock Night on American Idol? The truth is, it's been a long time since Kristen and I rock & rolled. In fact, it's been a long time since we did the stroll. Maybe the Idols can carry us back, carry us back, carry us back where we come from. We shall see.

A slightly shaken Ryan steps out on stage to tell us that it's been an unconventional day. The camera looks skyward to show that one of the American Idol globe towers came crashing down shortly before dress rehearsal, leaving the stage littered with glass. Dress rehearsal was cancelled, so the Idols will be performing cold. Apparently, in the interest of privacy laws, Ryan did not tell the television audience the full story. Debbie Williams, the world's most incredible stage manager, had an accident just before the globe fell. She was on the retractable staircase that Ryan races down pre-show, when it began to retract. With her on it. She clung to a railing, until she ended up falling 20 feet to the stage floor. As the dress rehearsal had just begun, the audience present heard a sickening thud. She was carted away in an ambulance, and thankfully, is going to be fine. But, when dress rehearsal resumed, the globe crashed. Theory. This guy put a curse on the show:

The judges are seated like so many groupies. Kristen and I expect Paula and Kara to flash someone or other at some point this evening. At the very least, Paula should attempt to make a plaster caste of someone or other's body part.

Ryan informs us that the Idols were mentored this week by the original guitar hero,Slash, aka Saul Hudson, former lead guitarist of Guns N Roses. Of course, thanks to his infamous feud with lead singer, Axl Rose, no GNR songs will be performed this evening. Currently, he is lead guitar for his group, Velvet Revolver, which just happens to be looking for a new lead singer of its own. Ahem. For your consideration, Mr. Slash:

Slash tells us that he tried something new with the Idols. He had them come down to a club to rehearse their songs, like real rockers do. The kids look appropriately in awe.

Guess who's first? Adam! Guess why? Because he rocks. He is singing - wait for it - Whole Lotta Love by Led Zeppelin! Kristen and I Kid. You. Not!! Holy Jimmy Page! This is awesome. After one of the most famous opening riffs in rock history, and after Adam tells Kristen and me he's sending us back for schoolin', and after Adam sneers at the sway-armed girls who have gone to full-tilt squealing,and after all of America agrees to carry Adam's child, he silently takes three long strides to the mic stand. There, he snarls, "Woman! You-oo-oo need .... looooooooove!" Kristen and I accept!! Randy says he's a rock star. Kara has to one-up him by calling him a rock god. Paula says he's a whole lotta perfect. Simon says it's one of his favorite performances of Adam's, but the problem is, no one can top him. This will be proven to be true. Kristen and I give Adam 10 flicks of the Bic and a boob flash.

Here's Allison! She tells Ryan that Adam hooked her up with his stylist this week, giving her some long, darker extensions and a cool rocker chick vibe. She has chosen Janis Joplin's "Cry Baby." Perfect artist, but not certain about the song. Allison definitely sounds like a modern-day Joplin. She sings with the voice of a woman who has been used and discarded, rather than that of a 17-year-old product of stage-mother. (Then again, maybe there's a similarity?) She gives a great interpretation, and honestly? If she hadn't gone immediately after Adam, this performance would get all sorts of kudos from the judges. Randy says to check it out. He thinks she can sing her face off, but didn't love the song choice. Kara agrees the song choice was weak. Paula thinks she should star in a Janis Joplin bio-pic. Simon tells her it was a terrific vocal, but too close to the original. He thinks she should have gone with the Queen song. Allison explains that her other choice was not Queen's "Somebody to Love" but Jefferson Airplane's "Somebody to Love." Simon dismisses that nonsense with a wave of his hand. Allison tries to explain the reasoning behind her song choice, but Simon sniffs that she might as well start begging for votes. Um...oh NO he didn't! Little Red isn't having any of that. She snaps that he's been telling her all along she has no personality, so she might as well go for broke and just keep talking! Uh-oh. Talking back to Simon, even when he deserves it, is always dangerous. Nevertheless, Kristen and I love her and give her 9 guitar solos and temporary hearing loss.

Now it's time for the first duet. This pairing consists of Kris and Danny, AKA: ZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. There is nothing dynamic about this duo as they trudge their way through Styx "Renegade."
Because pictures speak thousands of words,you can pretty much tell how dreary this duet turned out to be by looking at these beauties (courtesy of Murghi at Boredmorons.com. Thanks Murghster!)
The boys stand far apart as they struggle to outshout one another.

Kris screams his part with no interaction with Danny.

Danny screams his part sans interaction with his duet partner, Kris.

The two continue to show off their incredible "chemistry."

Kristen and I agree that was strange. It seemed poorly rehearsed with little effort put into either choreography or vocals. Randy thought the harmonies were good. Kara agrees. Paula babbles about it being powerful and compelling, even though the audience behind her nodded off for the duration of the performance. Simon says Danny was the better vocalist of the two, which is pointless commentary only meant to incite a riot of voting amongst the Kris fans. Kristen and I give them 4 Free Birds and a drunk roadie for not giving it their all. In fact they didn't give it much.

Kris is up next singing The Beatles "Come Together." Ordinarily, Kristen would be bounding around the room with joy, but the duet has sent her into a coma. This performance isn't helping. It's typical Kris, basically taking a song and reworking it to fit his particular brand of adult contemporary background music. You know those snippets of songs you hear on shows like Gray's Anatomy and Cold Case? And you think, "Ooo. That sounds good. I think I'll buy that song?" Then, you realize the snippet from the show is really all there is to the song? That's Kris. This is a commendable performance, but, much like last week, sleepy and a bit lazy on his part. All in all, Randy enjoyed it from a guy who is not really a rock guy. Kara felt he didn't bring it, and Kristen and I agree. Paula thought his signature was all over it. Simon thought it was all a bit like eating ice. Cold, Simon! Kristen and I give Kris 7.5 drum solos and a trashed hotel room. Kris has not been upping his game. He's a sweet kid with a nice voice. But, I get the feeling he's on cruise control.

It's time for Danny. Ooops! Oh, that's a picture of Adam. Sorry about the mix up. Here's Danny. He has chosen Aerosmith's "Dream On" as sung last season by the hot Aussie, Michael Johns. Shall I repeat? Danny. Singing Aerosmith. It's as bad as is to be expected. Well, if we're being honest, it's worse. When he goes for the scream at the end, Kristen rushes off to retrieve a duck. Wow. The worst performance from a Top 4 performer ever. What say ye, judges? What's this? Randy gives him an A+ for effort? EXCUSE US? No. Seriously. EXCUSE US? What's next? He gets a pass on the scream because he brought a note from his mommy? Kara liked his "growth, risk, and edge." Oh, please. Guess what Paula does? She gives him an A+++ for "going for it." Thankfully, Simon brings some semblance of reality by saying the last note was like a horror movie. Nevertheless, he thinks Danny will be safe, tonight. Which is, of course, true, since Danny is amazingly popular and his fan base will forgive him anything. Which would be fine, because every one of these kids is going to have an off night that needs to be overlooked in favor of body of work. The problem is Danny doesn't think he had an off night. He needs to "go back and listen to the tapes to see if you guys (the judges) are right" about that last note. You do that, Danny. Kristen and I give him nothing. We're that angry.

Now it's time for the second duet. Adam and Allison perform Foghat's "Slow Ride." Again, a pictorial will exemplify the proper way to prepare for a duet as well as the proper way to ROCK. IT. OUT. This is one of the most exhilarating performances of the night.
Duet partners take pride in one another's performances as seen here:

Duet partners sing to each other and choreograph their movements, as seen here:

Sometimes, one duet partner is so thrilled to have nailed the song, they actually leap into the other's arms, as seen here:

You want chemistry? They got your chemistry:

Compare and contrast:

Our rankings:

On The Stairway To Heaven: Adam

Born To Run to the top: Allison, Kris

Go Your Own Way home: Danny

RESULTS: AKA AMERICA IS JUST THAT DUMB

The kids rock out on stage to Alice Cooper's "School's Out" while Slash accompanies them on the geeetar.

Paula follows her cleavage around the stage while lip syncing to her newest single. Britney? Watch closely. This is your future.

Gwen Stefani frightens small children and yellow labs by going into a manic state while performing an ancient song no one cares about while wearing a lime green bra. Lindsay? Watch closely. This is your future.

Results time. Line up!

One of you is safe, Adam. Except - Oh my God! It's Kris!

It's a Kradam victory!

Daughtry returns to the stage to sing their new single "No Surprise," which will be a huge hit. Adam? Watch closely. This is your future.

More results. Someone else is safe. And it is.... Adam.

Kradam share their joy back at the stools.

And the person going home tonight is.... Allison.

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! America is evil!!!

No!!!!!!!!

I hate you!!!!

Look what you've done, America. You made a little girl cry!

You made Adam sad for his little sister, you evil-doers!!!

Someday, revenge shall be theirs!!

Until then, these three guys are heading home for Hometown Visits. After which, they'll perform one song chosen by a judge and one chosen by themselves. The first estrogen-free Final 3 in the history of the show!

Also, the winner of this week's poll asking which is the best fan group name is The Adam Bombs!! Congratulations, ladies and gents. Thanks for voting and for being such loyal supporters of this blog. You can find them hanging out here:

The Adam Lambert Connection

And don't forget to read Murghi and Shnug's recaps at Bored Morons.

AMERICAN IDOL 8: TOP 5: SONGS OF THE RAT PACK WEEK

2009-05-01T18:16:00.000-07:00

AKA: THE BEST IS YET TO COME

Programming note: Kristen The Yellow Lab and I apologize for the late publication of this recap. We were indisposed, having taken to our beds after a two-day drunk. After all, what better way to handle Adam's appearance in the Bottom Two this week? The yellow dame and I have a word of warning for the big Charlies at American Idol: Listen you crumbs. If you want your viewers to go scramsville, keep scamming us. You think we're a bunch of Harves? Everyone knows a finale without Adam would be bombsville. Straighten up and fly right, ya bums.

Now that we've let loose, we're ready to swing, baby! 'Cause, this week, we're off to songville where the Final Five take on the The Rat Pack! For the children in the house, The Rat Pack was a group of entertainers from the 1960's who were the clan of cool, the summit of swagger. It consisted of Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis, Jr., Peter Lawford, and Joey Bishop. If you don't recognize at least one of those names, you probably shouldn't be reading this blog without your parents' permission.

Ryan gets this clam-bake started by telling us that the intensity is a constant evolution. Who knew Paula was letting him drink from her cup? He lets us know the kids will be taking on classic American songs, and asks, "Who will set the standard?" You honestly don't know, Ryan? Hint: Rhymes with madam:

Those crazy-cool cats, the judges, are already seated, as if waiting for a round of Manhattans and a pack of smokes. (Of note: Paula is dressed like a petunia.)

Ryan trots the youngsters out for our approval, and Kristen and I agree they look like a bunch of swells! That chick, Allison, is a barn-burner in a tulle-skirted cocktail dress. Kris, Matt, and Danny are sharpsters in form-fitted suits. Adam, however, is 18 karet in a white silk tux. Ring-a-ding, baby!

The Idols have no idea who their mentor will be, particularly since, as Kris reminds us, when it comes to The Rat Pack, "Those guys are all dead." So, in order to pass the time, they decide to have an "impromtpu" sing-along to "Georgia On My Mind." Cue the entrance of Jamie Foxx, never a Rat Packer. He did, however, play Ray Charles in the bio-pic, and studied both classical piano and composition in college. Which still doesn't explain him mentoring Rat Pack Week. Oh wait! He has a new movie and a single to plug. Carry on!

One of the reasons Idol fans look forward to their favorite making the Top 5 is because they sing two songs each. Not this season! Nope. Because the judges (Kara) can't shut their pie holes in a timely fashion, the producers have cut the performance numbers down to one apiece. Yet, they then let an entire 15 minutes out of the hour pass before we hear a note of music from one of the Idols.

That first note comes to us courtesy of Kris, who has dressed for the occasion in a suit that looks like it was last worn for his high school National Honor Society induction ceremony. Nevertheless, he made the effort to wear something other than plaid, so, for that, we thank you, Kris. He has selected "The Way You Look Tonight," first made popular by non-rat pack member Fred Astaire. Vocally, it's solid. Performance-wise, it's a bit sleepy and safe. It's particularly awkward when he elects to drag the mic stand around the stage, like a toddler toting a stuffed bear by its ear. At one point, he shifts the tempo and tosses in an ungainly falsetto. Still, his adorable looks and charm save the performance, and, probably, Kris. Randy gushes that it was his best performance to date. ("Make You Feel My Love," "Ain't No Sunshine," and "Falling Slowly" would like to register a protest.) *Programming note: As a time-saving measure, Kristen and I won't be relaying Kara's commentary.* Paula thought he went from boy next door to sophisticated gentleman, which in Paula-eze translates to, "What are you doing for the rest of your life, big boy?" Simon felt it was wet and like taking a well-trained spaniel for a walk. I had no idea what he meant until Kristen explained to me that well-trained spaniels are the equivalent of "cruise ship and cabaret" in the dog world. Simon does not believe Kris can win with that type of performance. Nor do Kristen and I. We give Kris 6 autumns in New York for a nice vocal, but, now is the time when contestants must up their game every single week. Kris played it safe. Here comes Sammy to offer up some judgment:

Kristen's swinging from a star! It's the 17 year old tomato, Allison, all set to perform the Gerswhin's "Someone To Watch Over Me." Judy Garland made this an American classic, and Diana DiGuarmo won a hard-fought battle to the finale with a lovely interpretation of this in Seasion 3. Can Allison measure up? We say Yes! This week, Allison displays a vulnerability that has been missing from previous perfomances. It's spot-on vocally, and she looks the part. Kristen would love to watch over her! The only complaint we have is you can actually see her trying to keep up with the words. Lyrics are crucial to these standards, and Allison seems intent on not making an error. But, in the process, she loses a bit of the connection with the viewing audience. Randy says Yo. Paula is proud of Allison for finally tackling a true ballad. Now, Simon does exactly what he does best. He throws out a life raft to Allison, who has repeatedly turned up in the bottom 2/3. "I have a horrible feeling you could be in trouble, tonight." Outrage! The interwebs light up in a fury. How dare he criticize Allison's best performance! Well,guess what? He didn't. After 8 seasons people STILL don't recognize when Simon is lighting a fire under voters? Really? Really? Kristen and I give Allison 9.5 candyman's and soft shoe. We loved her vulnerability and the fact that she came to win, tonight. Former Rat Pack mascot, Shirley McClain, is in tune with Allison:

Matt's in a hat! That means he's going to Timberlake one of the standards, or he is finally self-conscious about the forehead mole. Or maybe he just likes hats. He's singing the Rogers & Hart nugget, "My Funny Valentine," once sung by Sinatra but most recently performed on the Idol stage by the glorious Melinda Doolittle. Mindy Doo left some pretty big shoes to fill. Matt? Can you measure up? Kristen and I say No. For one thing, Matt's flat for most of the song. He gives it a nice change-up half-way through. But, he tosses in his weak falsetto even though Jamie Foxx suggested he ditch it. Randy claims it's one of the hardest songs to sing - ever. EXCUSE us? Who delivered that piece of news to you, Randy? Constantine Maroulis? Paula thought he was impressive. Simon continues do what Simon does best. He writes Matt's ticket home by telling him he thought it was "absolutely brilliant." There's no better way to make people NOT pick up their phones and vote than for Simon to overpraise a mediocre performance. Kristen and I give Matt 5 pennies from heaven. Dean Martin adds a chill:

Danny's next. Kristen and I might use this opportunity to take a little nap. (We kid.) Danny has opted to sing another Sinatra nugget, "Come Rain or Come Shine." He roughs it up a bit, giving it a bluesy, Ray Charles vibe. This is probably one of his better performances, if Kristen and I are being honest. Danny has been compared to Taylor Hicks. The reality is, while Danny has a better voice than Taylor, he has less appeal. His stage presence is smarmy. And,truthfully? After watching the three performances before Danny, Kristen and I can't help but question, "Why is THIS guy one of the front-runners rather than Allison or Kris?" Randy Yo's. Paula can now see the finish line ahead of him, just as she's done every stinkin' week since this irritating season began. Simon liked his swagger. (Swagger? On Danny? What'd I miss?) He declares it "outstanding." He announces that Danny came out to prove a point. Kristen and I give him 8.5 shadows of our smiles because, though he is, to us, completely lacking in charisma, he can sing. Joey Bishop relates to Danny:

Oh. Here comes Adam. Kristen and I need a moment. Talk amongst yourselves.Adam obviously understood what Jamie Foxx meant when he told the kids they weren't just selling a song, they were selling a lifestyle. Ken-doll gorgeous in the white silk tux, Adam makes an entrance. He starts at the top of the Stairway To Ryan's Heaven, takes 5 full seconds to strut down the first secton without singing a single note, then purrs out the opening strains of Nina Simone/Sammy Davis Jr.s "Feeling Good." .The horns take over and Adam continues his staircase saunter in silence, gliding past the orchestra, cool and confident. THAT, Simon my boy, is swagger. He hits center stage, picks up where he left off, inserts a key change for good measure, then precedes to hit a note attainable only by God's angels and mermaids, a note he holds for 12 full seconds. He's flyin' us to the moon! That performance was so hot, Kristen is shedding copious amounts of undercoat. Randy says it was a little too "Broadway" for him. Kristen explains that,in dog lingo, he's comparing Adam to a show poodle. Paula, however, sees him as Michael Phelps. Kristen is pleased, being an endurance swimmer, herself. Simon is glad that Adam is in it to win. For another brilliant performance, Kristen and I give him 10 worlds on a string! Ole' Blue Eyes admits Adam's got that old black magic:

Our rankings:

Rat Pack worthy:
Adam, Allison

Frat Pack Potential:
Danny, Kris

Brat Pack Reunion Tour?:
Matt

RESULTS SHOW: AKA: YOU CAN'T TAKE THAT ADAM AWAY FROM ME! (And Kristen!)

Ryan tells us there were 47 millions votes, which is yet another record. Whoopee!

The kids gives us yet another great dance routine to some American standards, featuring Allison The Adorable! But, Kristen and I would like to know what they think they're doing on Adam's staircase?

That's right! Get off, and stay off!

Randy seems to be enjoying the view.

Ryan settles the kids on the stools from hell, and interviews about their weekday activities. Apparently, this week, Adam was baking a cake with Fidel Castro and his brother.

In the process, Danny displays an amazing lack of judgement by getting his 29 year old self into a food fight with the teenaged Allison, leading to some wildly inappropriate screen caps.

Ryan then presents him with a bill for $6,000 to pay for clean up of the mess he made. Danny greets it with his usual "sense of humor" by wondering why Idol can't afford to pay the bill.

Results. Dim the lights.

Oh, wait. Kids? Line up in the middle of the stage. Adam and Allison? Please hold hands as is fitting of the future Final 2. The rest of you? Stand all slumped-shouldered and glum.

Matt? Please head to the Loser side of the stage.

Danny? You may adjourn to the Winners Circle.

Allison? Follow Danny. (YES!!)

Hey, Kris. Head on over to Loser Central with Matt.

And, now, Adam. Pick which group YOU belong with. No pressure. You'll look like an idiot no matter what you do, so just go for broke.

Adam, and all the rest of the planet, are pretty sure he belongs with Danny and Allison.

Ryan isn't having it! Get over to the Loserville! says he, as he attempts to strong-arm Adam across the stage.

Ladies and Gentlemen, your bottom 3!!

Natalie Cole sings, but no one cares because Adam is in the bottom 3. Then, Ryan says he'll ease our mind by sending Adam back to safety. Except not! Kris is safe! Adam? Bottom 2!

Then, Taylor Hicks and Jamie Foxx sing, but no one cares because Adam's in the bottom 2!!! Ryan brings Matt and Adam out for the moment of truth.

Adam. You are.....

SAFE!!

Oh, yeah. Bye, Matt! It's pretty shabby that you had to be part of a producer's stunt featuring Adam. Your friends bid you fond farewell! Oh. There's Adam in your goodbye package. Yeah. It kind of sucks to be anyone but Adam, lately. Doesn't it?

Next week, these kids:

And this guy:

Make incredible rock music together! See ya there!

AMERICAN IDOL TOP 8: TOP 7 PART II: DISCO WEEK

2009-04-23T11:59:00.000-07:00

AKA: THIS AIN'T NO PARTY, THIS AIN'T NO DISCO, THIS AIN'T NO FOOLIN' AROUND

Kristen The Yellow Lab and I are swathed in Lurex as we hustle our way to the bus stop of dreams - the raised floor of the discotheque! We're gonna get down, get down, get down, get down tonight, baby! After all, what better way to celebrate Disco Week on American Idol?

Ryan reminds us that the infamous "save" was used on Matt G. last week, thus making this a double elimination round. Did you hear that sound? It's the Idols backstage giving Matt wedgies for making their job that much more stressful. Ryan informs us that the kids will be taking on the popular dance genre of the 70's - disco. Bring on the pornstaches, gold medallions, and polyester, because Kristen and I are ready for the night fever! As these kids would say, "Let's ance!"

The judges are already seated, which means we don't get to see if Kara's wearing spandex hot pants or if Paula's rockin' the platform shoes. We do observe the Coke cups, however, which is quite apropos to the theme.

Here come the solid gold Idols! We note Adam's wearing a suit and high hair, which signals a ballad. Matt's keeping the mole out of sight under a hat, Allison looks like the lead singer for Benny and the Jetts, and Kris, apparently, just came in from changing the oil in his pick-up. Danny's starring in Grease, Anoop is in layered knits, and someone with a great sense of humor stuffed poor Lil in a cat suit.

Speaking of Lil, guess who's up first? This week, she is taking on the Chaka Khan chestnut "I'm Every Woman." Last week, Kristen and I agreed that Lil was horrid. This week, she's improved. She's just bad. She gets points for energy, but it's almost manic. She works the crowd, but manages to scream half the notes and go flat on others. Randy doesn't know. Kara tells her that she's been every woman but herself. Paula rambles on about how Lil was on vocal rest. Simon cuts to the chase. "I absolutely believe this is your final shot." Ouch. That's a kinder, gentler version of "Pack your bags." Kristen and I give her 4 toot-toots and a half a beep-beep for giving it her best shot. Van McCoy offers a prediction:

Kristen's twirling to the syncopated rhythm in honor of her cute little Kris! He has selected Donna Summer's "She Works Hard For the Money." Say WHAT?? Kristen and I cling to one another in despair. We might have to rush to the ladies' room together to sob copiously into tissues if Kris doesn't pull this off. But, wait. What's this? A totally fresh arrangement, a very cool vibe? We like it! Kris plays the guitar as a couple of percussionists pound out a Latin-flavored beat. He has a little slip-up on the vocals, but otherwise, very nicely done. Kara babbles that it could go on his record. Paula says he shops in the women's department. Simon doesn't care what kind of underwear he wears, it was a great arrangement, not karaoke. Randy shouts that he knows what kind of artist he is. Kris beams. As he should. He is, week by week, securing his spot in the finale. Kristen and I give him 9.5 whistles and a bell! And Vicki Sue Robinson sings his praises, too!

Oh, it's Danny. He's going to sing Earth, Wind, and Fire's "September." He starts the song with a Taylor Hicks-like "Whooo!" Vocally, it's a solid performance. But, the dancing is more disco duck than macho man. The truth? Danny's version of this song wouldn't get clubbers out of their seats to dance. Randy says check it! Kara declares it another solid performance from Danny. Paula claims that women of all ages will agree he has the sexiest voice, ever! (Kristen and I must not be of all ages.) Simon didn't see star power (right on, Mr. C!) and thinks it was awkward and clumsy. Kristen and I can only give him 7.5 village people for an mid-level performance at the point when front-runners need to really up their game. The Bee Gees share their thoughts.

Here comes the red head! Kristen goes all Sister Sledge because Allison is in the house, so she's got all her sisters with her! Allison is singing Donna Summer's "Hot Stuff." Oh. Um...song choice? Kristen and I aren't sure how well a 16-year-old singing about "wanna share my love with a warm blooded lover, wanna bring a wild man back home" will go over in Middle US of A. She rocks the song up, per her usual. In one sense, that's staying true to herself. In another sense, every song she sings is beginning to sound exactly the same. Towards the end, either the arrangement falls apart, or Allison makes a crucial error. At any rate, it was good. Not great. Randy agrees with Kristen and I and doesn't like the arrangement, but also agrees she's one of the best singers in the competition. Kara gives her a 9 out of 10 for vocals. Paula declares that compromise is not in Allison's vocabulary. Simon says, "All things considered, it was brilliant." Kristen and I give her 8 and half strobe lights and a quick pass under the velvet ropes to the final 3. Donna Summer herself would like a word with the youngster.

Kristen's on her back, so that means Adam's in the spotlight. He has taken the Yvonne Ellman disco hit, "If I Can't Have You" and turned it into a slow, heart-wrencher of a ballad. Once again, the heart is on the sleeve, pulsing out blood red angst. It's a gorgeous interpretation, if maybe a bit too slow. Randy says he's got it majorly going on. Kara thinks it was like Saturday Night Live and Clark Kent. (You know about Saturday Night Live, right? It's filmed down the street from Studio 57.) Paula talks about visceral emotion and feeling his pain. Simon didn't feel his pain but felt it was unexpected, memorable with immaculate vocals. Kristen and I give him a solid 9.5 shiny disco balls for originality and vocal skill. We're taking off half a point for continued use of the overwrought facial expression to convey anguish, and for the high hair. (Do. Not. Like.) But, unless Adam comes out next week in drag, this kid is on his way to the Nokia in 4 weeks. Blondie has some pointers.

It's Matt! Saved by the judges last week, it's up to him to save himself this evening. He plans to try by performing The Bee Gees signature disco-era song "Stayin' Alive." (From that movie - you know the one. Saturday Night Live.)
He Justin Timberlake's it up, making it current and interesting. But, vocally, there are some problems. Matt needs to stay far away from the falsetto. Still, this performance should put him in the final 5. Randy says he can sing, dude. Kara complains that it's not crazy original like Adam's but she liked it. (Um? Why compare him to Adam? Not fair.) Paula uses a bowling analogy telling him that sometimes he throws gutter balls, sometimes he throws strikes. Tonight he saved himself. Simon, on the other hand, didn't like the performance. "Not a fan, sorry!" He sniffs. Kristen and I think Matt came out fighting, so we're going to give him 8 polyester shirts and white belt. Ami Stewart is hopeful!

Anoop has the pimp spot! Tonight, he'll use it to perform Donna Summer's "Dim All the Lights." Oh. Things aren't looking good for Anoop. Kristen and I already decided he needed to hit one out of the disco if he wanted to stay alive in the competition. He's not doing it with this loosey-goosey arrangement and weak vocal. Randy says nice baby, nice. Kara feels he's hitting his stride. Paula says he hit a magical zone in his voice. Simon brings everyone back to reality. "Mediocre, at best. A horrible version of that song." Simon declares it one of his worst performances. Well, it wasn't worse than Beat It, which is something, anyway. Kristen and I give Anoop 6.5 bumps and a spin for good luck. Thelma Houston is disappointed.

Our rankings:

Shining Stars headed to the finale:
KRIS, Adam

We still feel lots of love for:
Allison, Danny

Death by Disco:
Lil, Anoop, Matt

RESULTS SHOW

We get a disco dance choreographed by Paula! It's actually the best dance routine on 8 seasons of Idol. Oh, but - Dear Lil: Go-go boots are SO mid-60's. Dear Adam: Thank you for dressing appropriately, per your usual. Dear Allison: Hippies didn't disco. Dear others: Discos had dress codes. No jeans. Polyester ONLY, you fools!

And lunge...

And point....

And beg your baby to come home...

In this episode of Snow White and the Seven Giants, Paula receives a bouquet taller than she.

Results. Dim the lights. Lil, stand up. Lil, we need you in this competition. But, Lil? You're going home. BAM! That was brutal, Ryan.

Just for that, Lil needs some cute boy comfort food.

Kristen and I won't humiliate the geriatric disco performers of yesteryear who graced the stage for a disco medley this evening. Suffice it to say that Freda Payne probably should have been carrying a tank of oxygen with her when she did her wheezy performance of "Band of Gold," Thelma Houston might or might not have flashed the sway-arm girls when she sang "Don't Leave Me This Way," and KC of KC and the Sunshine Band looked as if he just stopped in to Idol on his way home from an AARP meeting.

More results. Dim the lights. In a shocking twist, Adam, Kris, and Danny are totally safe. *sarcasm alert*

In another shocking twist, Anoop is bottom 3. *sarcasm alert*

Thanks to the magic power in the hand of St. Adam, Matt is safe. Allison bottom 3.

David Archuletta returns to gasp his way through a really atrocious song.

It's between Anoop and Allison, and the magic hand of St. Adam saves... Allison!! Aw, goodbye Anoop! Allison has a sad! And so does Kristen who doesn't like seeing Allison so glum.

The Final Five watch their friends on the stage for the last time. (Allison!! Cheer up!)
The kids say their farewells...

Next week, the Final Five sing the songs of The Rat Pack.

Should be a swingin' time! See you there.

American Idol Season 8: Top 7: Songs of the Cinema: AKA Royale With Cheese

2009-04-16T10:43:00.000-07:00

Kristen The Yellow Lab and I are Huckleberry friends! After all, what better way to celebrate "Songs of the Cinema" week on American Idol? We do note that the producers are Putting On the Ritz this season with a posh new title for a tired old theme. We're also fairly certain that the young viewers have no idea what a "cinema" is. They probably assume it's a hot new cleansing treatment favored by Paris Hilton that involves a spice usually associated with buns and a procedure that is, coincidentally, also associated with buns.

At any rate, Ryan informs us that, Tonight, the Top 7 will be mentored by none other than director Quentin Tarantino. Nobody Does It Better than QT when it comes to using violence to punctuate the non-linear presentation of the plot. But, what does he have to do with a singing competition? Actually, music is an integral part of any Tarantino film, driving the storyline and defining the characters. Kristen and I agree that if there's any type of guidance these kids can use at this point, it's a lesson in how to tell a story with the music that they sing. We only hope the stories they choose to tell us tonight don't involve severed ears, shots of adrenaline administered directly through the breast plate, or anyone shouting, "Bring out the gimp!"

Rather than marching out as if they are in an Easter Parade, the judges are already seated, sipping their jumbo Cokes, like eager teens at a drive-in "cinema." In fact, it looks as if Simon is already trying to get his hands up Paula's shirt - or, as they says in the "cinema," blouse. Simon informs us that, thanks to the program running almost 10 minutes over last week, each contestant will only hear from two judges. Alrighty, then. Shout out! Little Steven and his beauteous wife, Maureen, are in the house. Apparently, Katie Couric was as well, but she's not associated with Bruce Springsteen, so Kristen and I aren't interested.

Here come the kids! Kristen and I note that Adam has gotten a hair cut, and must have donated the clippings to Lil. Either that, or her hair has grown 6 inches in one week. Danny is without his trademark glasses, and Kris is wearing a jacket this evening! Not too shabby.

Kristen's bounds around the room in circles of joy because her little red-headed lab girl, Allison, is on the screen! Tonight, she will be performing the Diane Warren song, "I Don't Want To Miss a Thing," that was sung by Aerosmith for the movie Armageddon. Kristen and I must admit that we love the way Allison accessorizes to match her hair! Truth be told, we've learned to accessorize to match Kristen's hair as well. Beige is a very yellow lab-friendly color. Uh-oh. This is not good. Allison has pitch problems in her lower register, and seems to be going through the motions of singing the song. As Time Goes By, it gets better, particularly when she gets to the bridge. But, this is her worst performance to date. Paula says she has Adam's special sauce. (That sounds illegal in several states.) Simon says she is the women's last hope (Note: Lil has yet to sing) and thinks Allison can make it to the finale. (Not with any more performances like this one, she won't.) Kristen and I can only give her 5 buttered popcorns and a Rainbow Connection for her colorful 16-year-old self! And, now for a little Saturday Night Fever for inspiration!

Here comes Anoop dressed like a college boy out for a beer run. Kristen and I have grown weary of Anoop. We're sure he's a nice enough kid, and he has a decent voice, but every performance of his begs the question: What's he doing here? Oh yeah. The judges put him through for a Top 13 Wild Card pick. Tonight, he is singing "Everything I Do I Do For You" by Bryan Adams from the Robinhood soundtrack. He gives it a nice cabaret feel with a piano accompaniment. His vocals are definitely on, tonight. Way to Fight The Power, Anoop! He doesn't want to go home, even if he is dressed for his next frat party. Randy "dawgs" him, and said it was in tune and had emotion coming off. Kara must have thought the two-judge format meant she gets to talk even more, because she babbles about pop music and continuity. She says it was Anoop's best performance, meaning she's already forgotten "Always On My Mind." Which is the problem with Anoop. Even when he's very good, he's forgettable. Kristen and I give him 8 boxes of Milk Duds for fighting the good fight. And a little message from the ladies from Nine To Five:

Kristen's primping. That can only mean one thing. Adam! Tonight, he will be performing "Born To Be Wild" from the Hopper/Fonda flick Easy Rider. Adam bounds onto the stage and gives a head-banging, hip swiveling performance that has the crowd on its feet. Not only does this boy loves eating lightening, but he zaps it right back at us with gusto. As is to be expected whenever Adam doesn't do a dreamy ballad, some people weren't liking it. "Too screechy!" says they. To which Kristen and I reply, "Then turn down your hearing aid, granny or gramps." Because we were rocking right with it. OK. The orgasmic screaming at the end? A bit much. But, the rest was what it's all about. Though Adam has finished, Paula, apparently, has not. She squeals and hyperventilates until she finally catches her breath and proclaims Adam the bravest contestant on the show ever. He walks in greatness or something equally hyperbolic. Simon says, "Vocally incredible." But, compares the performance to something from Rocky Horror Picture Show. Fine with Adam. He loves that movie! Kristen and I have decided we can't judge Adam in comparison to the others because we think he's the best every week. So, judging him on his previous performances, with Mad World being a 10 1/2, we give him 9 extra large Slurpees and a message from Midnight Cowboy:

Here comes Matt! He still hasn't learned he needs to wear a hat on performance night, so Kristen finds herself oddly hypnotized by the mole in the center of his head. Matt has chosen another Bryan Adams' tune, "If You Ever Really Love a Woman" from, as Ryan pronounces it, "Don Huwaun Day Marrrrllllllco." Show off. Kristen and I will get right to the point. This is awful. Flat in places, sharp in others, way off the mark on the falsetto. But, there's something about Matt - an earnestness to him tonight - that's won us over. Currently, Kristen and I are praying to St. Adam that someone or other will be worse than Matt, tonight, and spare him. Randy tells him he fell down in that song more than he won him. Kara says if you're going to flip it, it has to be a masterpiece. Kristen and I give him 4 JuJu Bees and Wing and a Prayer that he sticks around. Also, a mention from Butch and Sundance:

Danny Gokey is up next to sing "Endless Love," a Diana Ross/Lionel Ritchie joint from the movie of the same name. *sigh* Kristen and I certainly do not expect Danny to be over the sudden, tragic loss of his young wife. But, at some point, we do expect him to quit singing about it. It's a solid vocal, as is typical for Danny. But, it's the same schmaltz week after week. There's nothing interesting to his vocal or style of performing. At the end, he looks up, misty-eyed, to the sky, and phone companies across the nation brace themselves for an overload as women across the nation dial for the youthful widower. Kristen and I give him 8 popcorns without butter for a dry, but sound performance. And here's a little message from a Working Girl:

Kristen is wagging her tail so hard, she's swept everything off our coffee table, including the dust. Good dog, Kristen! She's excited because her darling little Kris is up next. He's just the right size for Kristen to carry on her back, so she's always happy when he takes center stage. Tonight, he will sing the not only little-known but almost unknown "Falling Slowly" by Glen Hasard from the movie Once. Let me say right from the start that I did not like this. I thought it was a poor song choice (boring), off the note most of the time, and not dynamic enough a performance. But, Kristen, being a die-hard fan of her namesake, can't get past the fact that Kris is all alone and vulnerable at the microphone singing a song about falling in love. I, however, was disappointed as this could have been a moment. Kris has definitely let his A game slide, tonight. If you're going to sing an obscure song, you need to sell it. Kris isn't quite to the point where he can completely sell an unknown song. He can definitely sell a new arrangement of something popular, and that's the turf he should occupy for the rest of the competition. Randy tells him it was pitchy from note one, and gets booed for it. But he's right. Kara, though, says it was his best performance. Um. His best performance, TONIGHT, Kara? I'd only give him 4 caramel corns for this but Kristen is threatening to eat the toes out of my new boots, so I'll up it to 8 for her benefit. Bring it next week, Kris! Fortunately, that performance won't sink you like the Titanic!

Who's left? Oh yeah. Lil. She's doing a horrific job singing Bette Midler's "The Rose" from the movie of the same name. By far the worst performance of the night, and her worst of the season. Thank you, Lil, for possibly save Matt. Uh-oh. Paula doesn't even bother to tell her she looks lovely. She cuts right to the chase. "Lil, sometimes the road is long, but it's worthwhile to make it this far." Simon tells her she got it all wrong, too soft, too slow too middle of the road. Lil sasses back. She complains that they keep telling her to be an artist. She feels she achieved that goal. Kristen and I feel she didn't. Therefore, we're not giving her anything. In fact, we demand a refund on our cinema ticket for that mess. You just give us a big chill, Lil.

Our Rankings:

Superfly week after week:
Adam

Still our Fair Lady, even with her weakest performance to date:
Allison

Still able to give us that sweet Sound of Music:
Danny, Kris, Anoop

Should be Gone With the Wind very soon:
Lil, Matt

RESULTS SHOW: AKA The Matt Show

This is American Idol, so there is the obligatory Ford commercial. This one is performed to Freeze Frame by J. Geils Band with Matt as the featured vocalist. Next, the Top 7 perform Flash Dance, also featuring Matt. Kara and Paula have decided they want to be Idols as well, so sing and perform along.

Zac Efron is the audience. (Who? asks Kristen.) He's there to promote his new movie, 17 Again. The kids helped promote it as well by attending the premiere. They got to ride in limos! Adam says his favorite part of the movie was the cheerleaders, thus inciting Twilight loving teens everywhere to frantically text one another, "See? He's so not gay!! Eeeeee!" (Oh sweet innocent youth!)

Reults time! Dim the lights, peoples. Allison and Adam? You are safe! Anoop? Take a chair. (Yawn.)

Jennifer Hudson sings her new single "If This Isn't Love," and it's not the one from Finians Rainbow. She's lovely. The song, however, bores Kristen and I to tears. Girlfriend is pure class, though.

Lil sasses to the judges yet again, only to learn that Kris is safe and she is bottom 3. Danny safe. Matt bottom 3.

While sitting in the uncomfortable stools. the bottom 3 is forced to endure the atonal vocals of Miley Cyrus, a girl who probably has more money than Simon, yet wouldn't have made it to Hollywood on this very show.

Ryan sends one of the kids back to the Sofas of Safety, and that person is Anoop. (Yawn) Ryan announces the person potentially going home is Matt. Lil is safe. (Boo! Who voted for her? Oh, yeah. The people at VFTW. Hmmph.)

Now, it's up to Matt to prove to the judges that he deserves to stay. He isn't doing much better than he did last night, but the crowd is obviously behind him. They're on their feet, cheering him on, as are his fellow Idols. Except Lil who wants them to keep the save to use on her next week.

The judges debate, and the crowd begins to chant, "Save! Save! Save!" Simon calls for order. "You don't have a chance of winning this thing," he tells Matt.

"But the good news is, you'll be back next week." Pandamonium!! The Idols rush to grab their pal.

*In a recent interview, Simon said they decided to save Matt because next week is the last week to use the save. They all feel Anoop will be in the bottom next week, and they already decided they wouldn't use the save on him. Kristen and I call shenanigans. They've been shoving Matt down our throats since the beginning. He was not voted in, but placed in by the judges as a wild card. He has been in the bottom twice before this despite the judges insisting he is a front-runner and one of the best vocalists. They've had him sing last when he wasn't the best of the night and have kept him securely in the top half of the show almost every week. We weren't surprised they saved him. But, now he'll suffer the fate of being voted off twice after never actually being voted in. Also, Kristen and I think they do not want to be forced to use it on Lil, who has proven to be nothing but a disappointment.

But, we're happy it provided the kids this bonding moment. Hey! Paula wants in!

She's desperate. Won't someone hear her plea?

Two kind souls take pity on her.

Quick poll results! Thanks to the ladies at Castrocopia.com and theadamlambertconnection.com for being heavy hitters!
The winner of who should be in the finale with Adam with 63% of the vote? Allison! An Alladam finale!

In second place with 29% of the vote is Kris, for a Kradam final two.

Next week, this group will get out their their their their boogie shoes for Disco!

See you all then! Thanks to the lovely Top Idol for use of her screen caps. Check out her blog this week! She's got an insider report from the results show. As always, don't forget to read Bored Morons, and check out this week's episode of The Bromance.

AMERICAN IDOL 8: TOP 8: SONGS FROM THE YEAR YOU WERE BORN: Tears At the Birthday Party

2009-04-09T10:00:00.000-07:00

Kristen The Yellow Lab and I are wearing pointy hats, swinging at pinatas, and praying for a pony. After all, what better way to celebrate Birthday Week on American Idol? Happy the Clown bounds out to inform us that this week, the Idols will be singing songs that were hits during the year of their birth! Oh wait. That's just Ryan.

With the Idols lined up on the Stairway to Stardom, he points out to us that when each of these Idols was born, they came wrapped in a dream - the dream of super stardom. Now, the opportunity to gift these young things with said dream lies in our hands! For this is American Idol. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kristen and I aren't interested. We just want to get to the frosting on the cake. (AKA: Adam.)

The judges bob in their seats like birthday balloons, snickering and nudging one another as we, the viewing audience, are forced to endure a slide show of their own baby pictures. Of note: Paula was apparently born at the age of 6, and Ryan was a buck-toothed carrot-top (so cute!)

First of the night is Danny Gokey, born April 24, 1980.
Because he is an earthy Taurus, Danny is not prone to risk-taking. He proves that by choosing Mickey Gilley's 1980 version of Leiber and Stroller's "Stand By Me." It's not an exciting choice, but he churches it up a bit with some runs and a mild gospel vibe. Nice performance, but very safe. Kristen's not going to play Pin The Tail On The Gokey, as Danny seems to be figuring out how to downplay some of the over-the-top antics that made him unwatchable in the early rounds. Randy tells him he's got talent. Kara says something or other (Kristen and I don't have the attention span to follow Kara's arm motions much less her verbalizations.) Paula calls him amazing. Simon gives him the Three Bears critique: the beginning was okay, the middle lazy, and the end great. Kristen and I give Danny 8 and half candles and a box of Cracker Jacks for a fairly predictible, but solid performance. 1980 crooner, Christopher Cross, weighs in:

Kristen's tail is in overdrive, which can only mean one thing. Kute Kris! We learn that he was born June 21, 1985, making him a Gemini.
Because of his dual nature, Kris can make a good choice one week and a bad one the next. This is the bad choice week as he has selected Don Henley's "All She Wants To Do Is Dance," which he opts to sing while standing in the middle of the sway-armed girls. The first bad choice was the song, which is lyric-driven. The second bad choice was the staging as he could have sold the song better if he were free to move around in front of the audience. Third, the strange, jazzy arrangement that involved blaring horns and an awkward beat that destroyed the integrity of the the lyric. Kristen worries that he might lose out in a game of musical chairs, tomorrow. Kara says it was like jazz funk homework. Paula calls him likeable. Simon says it was boring and indulgant. Kristen and I guess it's Randy's job to make sense, tonight, as he explains to Kris that he's the one in the competition, not the song. Yep.
Song choice is everything, but it's ultimately about being able to deliver it. Kristen and I give him 7 candles and a pack of Spongebob Squarepants stickers. 1985 icon, Madonna, gives her advise:

Here comes Lil! Kristen and I learn that she's a Scorpio, born November 14, 1984. As a fellow Scorp, it's true that we can be obsessive and obstinate. Lil displays these tendencies by picking yet another song that's too big for her performance skills: Tina Turner's "What's Love Got To Do With it." She looks good, tonight, showing off her legs in a short skirt and heels. But, she moves around the stage like a third-rate Tina Turner impersonator.Vocally, she has good moments. But, the sloppy placement of her mouth highlights her accent which puts clumsy emphasis on the wrong syllables. She does bring it with the power notes. Kristen rudely notes that Lil could serve cake off of her ass. Paula tells her she needed to tell Rickey Minor to take the reigns for a song that is a classic. Simon says it was ghastly and fears they've lost her. Randy complains that she's not listening to them. Kara tells her she's struggling to make the leap from singer to artist. Lil looks distraught, but, once again, promises that if America puts her through, she'll bring it next week. Kristen and I believe in second chances, but not third, or fourth. We're only giving her 4 candles and a paper noisemaker for continuing to disappoint. Even Phil Collins can't think of anything kind to say:

Anoop tells us he was born December 20,1986, which is the same day as Season 7 winner David Cook. Which is the most irrelevant piece of information he's provided to date. This does mean, however, that Anoop is a Sagittarius.
Therefore, he is honest and straight forward, which explains why he feels the need to apologize to Kara for the way he responded to her criticism last week. Did you hear that sound, Anoop? It was America responding with a collective, "Huh?" Anoop! That was an entire week ago! Who can remember? Just go sing the lovely "True Colors" by Cyndi Lauper. This week, Anoop slows down the pace, and it's a nice performance. Vocally, he's strong, but doesn't provide much color. Kristen thinks Anoop deserves an extra scoop of ice cream this week. Randy gives him props. Kara thought he controlled the song rather than letting the song control him. Paula feels his voice is like satin (probably like the sheets she'd love to roll in with him.) Simon tells him he took a girl's song and made it his own. Kristen and I give Anoop 8 candles and game of pin the tail on the donkey. Meanwhile, 1986 superstar, Prince, offers these words:

Kristen is having a difficult time choosing between which pair of shoes she'd like to devour during Scott's upcoming performance - my Italian leather driving shoes or my fuscia pumps.
I'm thinking of doing a suduko puzzle, myself. We've found that Scott, born June 22, 1985, and therefore a Cancer, is clingy and can't let go. He keeps lasting week after week after week. This week, he plans to stick around by performing Survivor's "The Search Is Over" while playing electric guitar. His performance is animatronic and awkward. It's not just the worst performance of the night, but probably of the entire season. Kristen is reminded of popping balloons and scary clowns. Kara says it wasn't his best. Paula thought he should have played accoustic guitar and says some of the high notes came off as screechy, yet she sums it all up with "but overall, bravo!" Simon says it was atrocious. Randy wants him to leap off the stage (vocally.) Kristen and I give him 1 and a half candles and a noisemaker. 1985 supergroup Wham! has this to say:

Kristen jumps up and bounds across the room! Here comes Allison! The adorable red-headed teenager was born April 27, 1992, making her a Taurus.
Taurus are persistent and determined. Therefore,even with two trips to the bottom 3 under her belt, Allison isn't ready to give up. She has chosen Bonnie Raitt's classic "I Can't Make You Love Me." It starts off beautifully, a very honest interpretation. She slips into rocker-chick mode half-way through, but that's all right. It's a great performance. Kristen gives her the door prize! Paula knows it's Allison from the first note. Simon thought it was great but is worried about her personality. Randy says it was dope. Kara wants to go make a record. Kristen and I give her 9 and a half candles and a bottle of bubbles! 1992 sultry singers, En Vogue, tell Allison:

It's Matt! Born May 11, 1985, he's the third Taurus of the night. Taurus can be very inflexible and resistent. But, tonight, Matt finally understands that his strong suit is R&B. He has chosen Stevie Wonder's Part Time Lover, to which Kristen and I say, "You've got to be kidding."
But, he changes it up, giving it a smooth, Timberlake-ish vibe. It's not his best vocal and his stage presence leaves something to be desired. But, it's a huge improvement from last week. Kristen thinks he deserves a corner piece of birthday cake plus one of the candy flowers. Randy calls it the best vocal of the night. (What??) Kara says it was unbelievable. (What???) Paula says, "Two words. Standing O!" (WHAT????) Simon says it was a huge improvement over last week and well-done. Kristen and I give him 8 candles and a plastic water pistol. Former member of The Eagles and 1985 solo artist Glenn Frey has this to say:

Kristen is licking the TV screen, which can only mean one thing. Adam! We learn he was born January 29, 1982, making him an Aquarius. This means he is original and inventive. This week, he has made a very original choice with Tears For Fears "Mad World." He opts for the Gary Jules/Michael Andrews version. The stage is bathed from underneath by a soft blue light, giving the illusion that Adam is floating. He sits alone on a white chair, very Edith Piaf. It's a stunning performance, ethereal and haunting with an emotional connect even beyond the level of Tracks of My Tears. What Adam does in one minute and a half is tell us his story. By the time he overshoots the last note, the audience is so emotionally invested
that it doesn't matter. Simon tells him, "The bad news is we've run out of time. The good news I'm the only one who is going to speak. I think this is all that needs to be said." He gives Adam a standing ovation. Kristen and I give Adam 10 candles and a pony ride! 1982 punk rocker, Billy Idol, has this to say:

Our rankings:

The gifted: ADAM, Allison

Still the Tops: Matt, Danny

We'd cry if they left: Anoop, Kris

Noisemakers: Lil, SCOTT

RESULTS SHOW

Ryan jokes that Simon was born the same year Frankie Avalon recorded "Venus." We're treated to a clip of Frankie singing that very song when the stage doors slide open, and out strolls a well-preserved if slightly over-processed Frankie!

He's still in good form. So much so, even the swaying girls in the audience squeel when he shakes their hands.

This is followed by one of the worst group sings of the season, "Can't Get You Out of My Head." Of course, this does give Kristen and I the opportunity to observe our potential Final 2 in action.

Then there's this potential Final 2:

Next, we get to see how the kids make the infamous Ford Commercials. This week, the theme is Magic Show. Hmm. Final 2?

Time for results. Ryan reminds us that last night's show ran late. In fact, it ran
eight minutes over, meaning that people who DVRed the program completely missed Adam's performance. It also means people had begun voting by the time Adam took the stage. To compensate, Ryan reminds everyone that Simon gave Adam the first standng ovation he has ever given to a competitor. He also gives the other judges an opportunity to rain praise down on Adam. Nice gesture, but too little too late. Fortunately, Adam is safe. Kris? Also safe. Anoop? Stool-bound.

Next is a performance by Flo Rider of his #1 hit "Right Round." Hopefully, the kiddies were in bed for this. Nothing like having a song about a sex act performed on a PG rated family show. Oh, and Flo Rida needs to lay off the steroids.

Back to results. Danny and Matt are safe. Scott is escorted to the Stools of Doom. It's between Lil and Allison. Kristen and I are prepared to flounce out of the room, determined to never watch the show again if Allison is in the bottom 3. But, she's not!! Allison: Safe. Lil: See ya!

Now, Season 5 dimwit, Kellie Pickler, comes onstage to humiliate herself.
She sings her new single "Best Days," and does it very badly while saucily cozying up to Simon Cowell. Kristen and I don't approve.

Back to results. Lil is safe, meaning it's down to Scott and Anoop. Ryan tells us that it is Scott who will be leaving us if the judges don't use the save on him.

Scott begins to sing, and you can feel the pull of the studio audience through the TV screen.

Even the kids back at the Sofas of Safety seem to be on his side.
Kara and Paula are gesturing to Simon frantically. Simon tells Scott the decision was difficult. Two want to save him, two did not. Scott pipes up with, "I can please you in other weeks, Simon!" Oh, Scott. That ranks up there with Kristy Lee promising to blow Simon out of his socks. Simon tells him his journey is over. Paula makes a little speech, and we all watch Scotty's AI experience on screen to the tune of Carrie Underwood's "Home Sweet Home."

The kids say goodbye to Scott, who seems like such a nice guy, Kristen and I only wish he were a better singer so we could have rooted for him.

Next week, this crowd sings songs from movie soundtracks with special guest mentor Quentin Tarrantino. Let's hope no one loses an ear.

Once again, mad love to Murghi at boredmorons.com for the screen caps. Don't forget to check out the brilliant recaps of Shnuglet, Murghi, and AJ Violet. Special thanks to the ladies and gents at Adam's fansite, The Adam Lambert Connection for taking last week's poll. (Be sure to check out the site and visit the picture gallary which has some of the best screen captures around.) Poll results?
58% prefer Adam's get-up for Ring of Fire (LSD Elvis.)

23% loved the Pete Wentz emo rocker look for Satisfaction.

18% preferred his stripped down look for Tracks of My Tears:

And finally, 7% wouldn't mind if he returned to the Jonas Step-Brother effect of Black And White:

Take this week's poll to pick who you'd like to see in the finale with Adam.

See ya next Thursday! Oh, and don't forget to download a copy of Michael Johns' first single off of his new album. The single is called "Heart On My Sleeve" and is available April 14 on iTunes and Amazon.com. Luvs ya!

AMERICAN IDOL 8: TOP 9: TOP DOWNLOADS: I'm So 3000 and eight, You So 2000 and Late.

2009-04-02T11:28:00.000-07:00

Kristen the yellow lab and I are getting hit with boom boom beats so big, we're stepping on leprechaun!* (Which sounds painful and not conducive to being on the receiving end of pots o' gold. These kids today and their zany lyrics!) Nevertheless,what better way to celebrate Top Download week on American Idol? This week, the Idols were to pick from a list of heavily downloaded songs off the iTunes charts. (Incorporating a theme with product placement? Brilliant. What's next week's theme? Favorite songs listened to while enjoying a Coke?)

Ryan gives us a quick glimpse of the kids, and Kristen and I agree it looks like a televangelist convention, what with all the high hair.

Ryan brings the judges out front in a line as if they're doing a hip-hop to Soulja Boy's Superman.

Last week, the gang was flown, via private jet, to Detroit, Michigan, to tour the Motown museum and meet with Mr. Barry Gordy and Mr. Smokey Robinson. This week, they're shuttled to downtown LA to the KISS FM studio to meet with - Ryan. They look like a group of high-schoolers on a field trip. In fact, Kristen and I are pretty sure that, at some point, Adam and Allison snuck out behind the building for a cigarette.

First to perform tonight is The Anoop Dawg! He explains that he has chosen Usher's "Caught Up" because this is the type of record he would like to make. *sigh* Yep. That's how it goes down. Privileged college-town boy wears his pants low and his baseball cap backwards, and he's making plans to sip Grey Goose with Kanye. Although Anoop's got a little bit of styling going on tonight, his performance falls flat. The truth is, Anoop is a sweet guy who sings really well. But, he has no star quality or stage presence. It doesn't help that a handful of his frat brothers are in the audience, shirt tails a-dangle, applauding 'Noop like he's just scored in beer pong. Randy says he's got his swagger up. Kara accuses him of choosing that song on a dare from his frat brothers. The crowd boos, and Kara shows her own amateur status by getting flustered and upset. Ever the calm one, Paula babbles about making signature hits. Simon gets right to the point, "It was like a college-boy wannabe pop star!" (Kristen and I have been saying that for weeks. But, did anyone listen? No.) Kristen and I give him 4 mP3 players for being a wannabe - a wannabe with a good voice, nonetheless. Asher Roth has a thing or two to say to Anoop.

Here comes our Megan! As a fellow blond, Kristen is supportive of Megan and her lab-like personality. Tonight,she will perform the Lauryn Hill version of Bob Marley's "Turn Your Lights Down Low." For one moment, it seems Megan might actually do well. But, the performance disintegrates quickly into awkward, tuneless territory. Kristen has gone behind the sofa to pout, because there's no way Megan can survive this disaster, no matter how awful anyone else might be the rest of the evening. Kara says it was the wrong song for her. (Every week, Kara? When will the judges ever admit they made a mistake putting this girl through in the Wild Card? Never? Alrighty then.) Paula wants her to sit on a stool. Simon calls it boring, forgettable, and tells her no one will like it. Randy thinks she should have gone with Winehouse. Oh, Randy. Don't kick a girl when she's down. Amy has enough on her plate without having some upstart massacre one of her songs on national television! Kristen and I give her 1 used CD Player for lack of growth. Britney Spears offers consolation.

Up next is Danny Gokey, who will be singing Rascall Flatts "What Hurts the Most." Danny gets extra points for not mentioning the fact that his grandfather died last weekend, and he was away attending his funeral. He also gets points for a controlled performance with nice vocals. He's truly emoting this evening, and we like it! Paula says she will hit repeat in her car. Simon thinks it was his best performance. Randy says, "Nice, baby!" Kara was moved and got goosebumps. This week, Kristen and I don't mind giving Danny 8 1/2 iPhones and this message from Kid Cudi:

It's Allison! Kristen adores her, even when she dresses like Pebbles Flinstone after raiding Cindy Lauper's closet. She has selected No Doubt's "Don't Speak" and will pretend to play her toy guitar as she sings. It starts off very controlled and understated. But, our favorite ginger just can't help but go into shout mode. Still, it's a solid performance. Randy has mad love for Allison, but not the outfit. Kara says it wasn't her best, but was good. Paula tells her she's going right to the finish line. Simon wonders why she's dressed like something out of the Addams Family. He tells her it was like a little girl dressed up trying to be a rock star. Allison takes all their criticism in stride. Bonus points for that! Kristen and I give her 7 and a half iPod Shuffles, and a message from the All American Rejects.

Oh. It's Scott. Kristen needs to find something to chew on to help alleviate the upcoming boredom, so she opts for a couch leg. Halfway through Scott's performance, I'm ready to gnaw through something, as well. It's not that it's a bad performance. Scott is singing Billy Joel's "Just the Way You Are" while accompanying himself on the piano. Vocally, it's his best to date. But, for the love of Ray Charles, it's boring. It doesn't help that the stylists have given Scott a new "look." Apparently, he, Allison, and Adam had "Who can have the highest hair" competition, and Scott won. Plus, Scott has beautiful eyes in still photos, but they are distracting during performances. Details count on Idol, so Scott needs to have the stylists find him a cool pair of shades, pronto. Kara thinks he made a smart choice stripping down. Paula is proud of him, not because of his challenge, but because he makes her forget about his challenge - even though she's remembering it right now and reminding everyone else as well. Simon says it was his best performance by a mile. Randy calls it best of the night. Kristen and I are happy for Scott, who seems like one of the nicest guys in the competition. We'll give him 6 1/2 8 track players - points for improving, but the end result was too old-fashioned. Here's a message from Lady GaGa:

Here comes Matt! He's singing "You Found Me" by The Fray, a song currently on the charts. Kristen and I observe that Matt has been placed in the center of the sway-armed girls, to make it appear he's superstar. Last week, we were told he's a front-runner, but he ended up in the bottom 2. Will this piece of deception work any better? No. It's a tiresome performance, going on too long, with Matt showing very little range or vocal skill. Paula says it wasn't a good performance. Simon doesn't get it. Randy says he has soul in his voice, and has to let it out. Kara thinks he's a talented guy and doens't deserve to go home. Kristen and I give him 6 iPod classics and a message from Jamie Fox:

Lil's up next. She's chosen Celine Dion's "Surrender" even though the judges have told her repeatedly that they only want her singing songs by Mary J. Blige. She's wearing a lovely blue gown and a bob-cut wig - the effect of which she looks at least twice her age. The stylists are infuriating Kristen and I when it comes to Lil. She's a lovely young thing of 23 who wears her hair in a fresh, short cut. The stylists have worked overtime to bring out her inner-frump. As for the performance, Lil hits all the notes. She has a strong, amazing voice. But, her lack of training comes through in her inability to contain her thick Tennesse accent, and the odd positioning of her mouth. Also, the confident, vibrant Lil of her first audition and during Hollywood has disappeared. Randy said it was the wrong song choice. Kara wanted to hear Mariah or MARY J. Paula felt it was adult contemporary, and they don't want to hear that from Lil. Simon gave her fair warning: Her personality is being sucked out of her, and it has to stop. She's too good for that to happen."
Lil bursts into tears, but the camera quickly pans to her family where Kristen's beloved Ryan has scurried down to distract Lil's small chldren.
The camera keeps away from Lil and focuses on Ryan and children while Lil gets herself together. Kristen and I give her 7 nano iPods based on her vocal skills only. And a message from Flo Rida:

Kristen's on her back. That can only mean one thing. Adam. This week, he has chosen Wild Cherry's "Play That Funky Music White Boy" which he plans to sing while wearing mile-high early 80's hair, bell-bottom pants and a v-neck sweater. Kristen and I are having a hard time getting past the song choice. Of all the songs on the download list....??? But, in typical Adam fashion, he puts his own spin on it, and turns it into a bluesy-funky joint with a little Axl Rose thrown in for good measure. Love him or hate him, Adam's got ridiculous talent and is a fearless performer. Nevertheless, Kristen and I disagree on this one. If you're with Kristen, you hated the screaming, the dancing, the movin' to the groovin'. If you're with me, you turned around and shouted, "lay down and boogie and play that funky music 'til you die."
Where Kristen and I do agree is that Adam must NEVER dance like this again. Paula is clawing her way over the desk to get to Adam, then delusionally shouts,"Mick Jagger! Steven Tyler! Adam Lambert!" (Is that the list of men she wants to sleep with?)Simon seems highly amused and tells Adam it was brave. Randy says he's in the star zone, baby. At this point, Adam shows his professionalism by interrupting the judges to tell them he needs to recognize Ricky Minor and the band for coming up with the arrangement and working it out. Ricky takes a well-deserved bow. Then, Kara ruins the moment by telling Adam it was like Studio "57" in the place. Did you hear that whirring sound? It was Andy Warhol spinning in his grave. Nothing like having the club you helped make famous mistaken for a steak sauce. In deference to Kristen's viewpoint, I won't be giving Adam my usual 10 that I keep reserved specially for him each week. I'll be objective and give him 9 and a half Zunes for originality and masterful vocal acrobatics - points deducted because SOME people weren't likin' it. Best Idol Ever, Kelly Clarkson has a thing or two to say to Adam.

Aw. Kristen's wagging her tail so hard, I fear she's going to develop carpal tail syndrome. What's making her so happy? Her adorable little Kris! He's performing Bill Withers "Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone" and not thinking about his wife at all while singing it! Tonight, the camera loves Kris who looks like a star, sitting at the keyboard, giving the song a delicate, soulful take.It's lovely, and the antithesis of Adam. Whereas Adam rips his heart out of his chest, holds it up to us, and says, "See this? It's broken!" Kris asks us to approach him and say, "Aw. What's a matter, baby?" Kristen and I love both styles, and that's exactly why, from this point on, we're hoping for an Adam/Kris final two. Randy says, "Yo! Dude! Best of the night! Lovin' it!" Kara practices her math skills by telling him, "Three words. That is artistry!" Paula tells him, "You took a 30 year old song!!!" Simon confirms that it was his best performance to date. So, this week, as a shout out to my pals at Royal Misfits, Kris is getting the 10 - 10 iPod Touches for a touching performance. And a message from young Miss Miley Cyrus.

Kristen and my rankings:

Defying gravity and headed to the top
KRIS, Adam

Still has a shot at The Fame
Danny, Allison, Lil

The Open Door is ready to hit you in the rear on your way out: Scott, Matt

Incredibad and should go home: Anoop, MEGAN

Results:

36 million votes, therefore the most popular top 9 ever.

Obligatory lip-synced performance of Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'" now with the return of the pointy pose!

Then, the producers further throw Danny Gokey under a bus by having Ryan ask him to do impersonations of his fellow contestants. He does Matt singing Viva La Vida with a goat-voice. Anoop does a cute impersonation of Kris, and Allison a fun one of DAnny. But, Danny did not come off well. Fickle folks, these producers.

Ryan calls the contestants down and puts them in groups of three with Megan, Kris, and Matt in one group, Adam, Lil, and Allison in another, and Danny, Scott, and Anoop in the third. THen, he tries to convince us that one group is the top, one the bottom, and one in between. Yeah, Ryan. Like we don't check DialIdol and know that those groups are bogus as Danny, Kris, and Adam were the highest vote-getters.

He wants us to ponder which group had the lowest votes as we watch David Cook return to the Idol stage to perform his new single. It's disappointingly bland.

Now, Ryan starts the breakdown. Kris is safe. Matt, safe. Megan - hit the stools, please. Megan flaps her arms and caws her way over to her seat (a shout-out to her biggest fan base, Vote For the Worst). Lil and Adam: safe. Allison? Stool-worthy. Danny safe, as is Scott. To the stools for you, Anoop!

This week, instead of a creepy duet, we've got a creepy solo. Lady Gaga's in the house! Actually, it's not creepy at all but pretty fantastic. The eye zipper is the most awesome thing Kristen and I have ever seen, and Lady Gaga rocks it out.

Back for results. Allison is sent back to the Sofas of Safety. Megan is asked what she thought of Simon's criticism of her, and she tells him she doesn't care. Anoop is safe, Megan is going home unless the judges invoke The Save. When asked, Simon sniffs, "Megan, since you don't care, neither do we. We won't be using it on you. This is your swan song, enjoy it." Megan sings as badly as she has all season. Then, she bursts into tears when she gives her baby son a shout out, "I'm coming home, baby!"

The boys say goodbye to their beloved Megan

Leaving her in a lurch:

Next week, these kids sing songs from their birth year. See you then!

Thanks again to Murghi at Bored Morons for use of her brilliant screen caps. Don't forget to run over to check out the recaps and the new season of The Death of a Bromance! Luvs ya!

American Idol 8: Top 10: MoTown Week: There'll Be Singin', Swayin', and Records Playin'

2009-03-28T19:38:00.001-07:00

Kristen The Yellow Lab and I are going to a go-go, everybody! After all, what better way to celebrate Motown week on American Idol? Ryan asks us what you get when you mix the most talked-about singers in the country with some of the best music in the last 50 years. Kristen and I hope the answer is "A night that will do Barry Gordy and Hitsville USA proud!" We worry, though, that the correct response is actually, "Ain't Nothin' Like the Real Thing, Baby."

Ryan, looking Smokey-hot in one fine suit and tie, choreographs the judges in a Temptations-style line dance across the stage. In honor of the theme, Paula is wearing a tutu. (After all, Motown music just screams pas de bourree.)

We learn that youngsters were flown, via private jet, to the Motor City - Detroit, Michigan - where they met with seventy-nine but still-looking-fine Barry Gordy and the one and only Smokey Robinson. The kids were appropriately respectful and awestruck as they toured the Motown museum and received advise from the man who brought us some of the most iconic musical groups in pop history.

Later in the week, Smokey arrived at Idol Mansion to provide individual mentoring sessions for each of the contestants. When Smokey sang, did the kids hear violins? Kristen and I would love to know!

The kids are marched out for our approval, and Kristen is distraught because she can't find Adam. Where could her glam-emo rocker boy be?

First to perform is Matt who will be singing Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On" while dressed as Mr. Rogers. Yes, Matt. There's nothing that screams hot sex like a Lands End Cozy Cardigan. Matt starts out at the piano, and it's quite good. He ups the volume and tempo, and begins to move around the stage. Here's the thing with Matt - he's got a great voice. Here's another thing with Matt - he got short-changed in the charisma department. He is like Justin Timberlake's anemic step-brother. Randy says he worked it out! Kara insists that there are women watching who are so desperate they are actually shouting, "Yeah! Let's get it on!" at their TV screens. Paula says it's like wearing an old pair of jeans. Simon, who has obviously grown tired of The Gokey, decides to officially declare that Matt is now a front-runner in this competition. Unfortunately, Simon, the only thing front about Matt is the wart on his forehead. Kristen and I give him 8 Marvellettes for a strong vocal. The Supremes weigh in:

Married Kris is up next singing another Marvin classic, "How Sweet It Is," while wearing what looks like a cross between a boyscout uniform and prison garb. As usual, Kris is sweet and wholesome, and his vocals are pure. But, Kristen and I don't remember this song ever lasting this long. It goes on forever with Kris strumming away, his hinky jaw popping out of joint on several occasions. Nice, but not the performance of anyone who will ever win American Idol. Kara tells him he did everything right. Paula was impressed with his high A. Simon insists he needs more swagger. Randy paraphrases Kara by telling him he didn't do anything wrong. It was a solid, if uninspired rendition, so Kristen and I give him 7 Vandellas. Mary Wells has a thing or two to say:

Guess who's not married? Scott. Guess who cares? No one. He plans to perform "You Can't Hurry Love" by The Supremes while wearing pink pants. (Hey! At least, being blind, he has an excuse for his ridiculous wardrobe choices, KRIS and MATT!) Scott performs at the piano with the back-up singers gathered round. It's all very "Uncle Johnny plays the piano at Christmas while his drunk sisters sing along." Kristen and I agree that this is absolutely wretched. Paula tells him that when he feels it, the audience does too. Simon goes for the jugular. "How much more can I take? Sorry, but come on! That was not a good version of that song." Randy agrees that it was "hotel." Kara says, "Yo! I liked it!" That's nice, Kara. But, let's be clear. America wants to listen to Scott sing and play about as much as we want to get it on with Matt. Kristen and I give him 3 Pips, with Gladys Knight adding her piece:

Bird Flu Megan is up next, singing Stevie Wonder's "For Once In My Life" while dressed for a Hawaiian luau. Megan? A few words if Kristen and I may? a. First of all, Motown women wouldn't be caught dead on stage barefoot. Glamour was the order of the day. As pretty as you are, this should have been the week to go for the gown. b. The only people who should to take on a Stevie Wonder song are people with a little thing called A GOOD VOICE. Megan's performance is so awful, Kristen would find a heart worm test more appealing. Off-key, shouty, shrieky, embarrassing. So, why do we continue to love her? Because even as the judges criticize her, she's smiling and charming. *sigh* That's our Megan! Randy says it was bizarre. Kara tells her it was all over the place. Paula explains that at the beginning, she thought maybe the key was too low for Megan, but then at the end, the notes were too high. (In other words, stick to songs with a three-note range, Megan.)Simon says it was horrible and declares her in trouble. Kristen and I have nothing to give her, it was that bad. Even The Spinners can't muster much support.

Here comes Anoop! He's going to perform "Oooh, Baby, Baby" by Smokey and the Miracles while dressed as a frat boy attending rush parties. (Is anyone giving these kids any sort of fashion advise this season?) It starts off a little shaky, but Anoop has a lovely falsetto that he lets shine with this one. Unfortunately, the tempo is far too slow. Kristen and I feel we're at a Catholic high mass. Overall, Kara connected with it. Paula is amazed to see him singing in front of two legends. Simon thought it was a good vocal, and congratulates him on two good weeks in a row. Randy wants him to turn it up. Kristen and I would like him step off the ballads for a week or two as well. Also, we'd like him to think about dressing like a grown up. And while we're complaining, can we ask him to try to act maybe a tiny bit more humble? Kristen and I give him 8 and a half Temptations and a message from Stevie Wonder, himself:

Big Daddy Michael Sarver is going to sing "Ain't Too Proud To Beg" by the Temptations while wearing the only clean thing he could find in his closet. He tells us he's going to take it to church. Kristen and I suggest he do just that. And pray for forgiveness. Michael might have actually saved Megan! He shouts his way through the song as the band outpaces him by half a beat. Paula has to deliver the first blow. "It was Las Vegas lounge act. Sorry, Michael!" Simon tells him he has no chance to win this competition. Randy tells him he's not an R&B dude. (Say WHAT? Haven't they been shoving him in that box from the beginning of the season?) Kara tells him when he goes home one week (huh?) he needs to come back the next and bring it. She'd also like to know who he is as an artist. Michael tries to defend himself, but really, even he looks defeated by the time his number is handed out. Kristen and I have big hearts, and we like the roughneck, so we'll give him 3 Junior Walkers and a word from Eddie Holland:

Onto Lil. She's taking on Martha and The Vandella's "Heat Wave" while looking the part in a sort of 60's flapper style dress, topped off with an atrocious wig. The stylists coudn't figure out how to turn Lil's short hair into a cute 60's bouffant do? Lil grabs one volume at the start of the song and holds on for dear life. This is not good. She's fortunate that there have been three other performances so much worse than hers that she will be spared. She shrieks her way through the final "Like a heat wave!" then proudly turns to face the judges. Lil has obviously begun to believe her own press. Randy wants to know what's going down, baby. Lil's feeling pretty good! Randy tells her it was not the best. Lil glares at him. Kara feels it was the wrong song. Lil's not likin' it. Paula, still shaken from having to be the one to break the bad news to Michael, tells Lil that it was fresh. Simon says it was the wrong song, and feels she should have chosen something that would have given her "a moment." (Dear God: Please make the judges banish "moment" from their vocabulary this season? Thanks! Signed Kristen and Zsus.) Simon, who long-ago declared Lil a member of the future Top 3 and can't bear to be wrong, shouts over Ryan before he can banter with Lil, "I'd like to remind everyone that Lil has one of the best voices in this competition!" Ok, Simon. I guess we'll just have to take your word for it on that one. Kristen and I give her 4 1/2 Velvelettes and a question from Diana Ross:

Annnnnd here comes Adam! *collective gasp of surprise* Good lord, but this boy sure cleans up pretty! He is singing Smokey's own "Tracks of My Tears" stripped down to just a guitar, bass, and box player. He sings entirely in falsetto, and it's one of those "you could hear a pin drop" performances, it's just that lovely. At the end, his face flushes and his eyes well with tears. Smokey Robinson, sitting in the front row, leads the standing ovation. Kara loses her ability to count. "Six words," she says, "One of the best vocals of the night!" Paula tells him she did, in fact, take a good look at his face, and it's clean, classy, handsome. Adam squirms. Simon declares it THE best vocal of the night, and he feels Adam has emerged as a star. Randy thought it was hot. Ryan pulls an overwhelmed Adam across the stage and informs him that he won't make him talk after that, for which Adam seems grateful. (See Noopy? It's not that hard. A little humility goes a long way.) Kristen and I give him 10 Supremes with a little message from Smokey and the Miracles:

I never thought I'd feel sorry for Danny Gokey, but he has to follow that. Good luck! Danny's singing "Get Ready" by The Temptations. Uh-oh. It looks like the producers have soured on Danny for some reason. Strange. They show a clip of him working through the song with Smokey Robinson. Smokey wants him to sing the end lines of each song, rather than turn them over to the back-up singers. Just before he performs, Ryan asks us, "Will Danny take Smokey's advise?" Guess what? He doesn't. Ouch. Get ready to be called smug, Danny Gokey. This is not a bad performance, but Gokey reminds me more and more each week of a poor man's Taylor Hicks. At one point, he rushes over to dance with the back-up singers, and it's all very frantic and desperate. Paula tells him he's identifiable. Simon calls it clumsy and amateurish. Randy has the gall to compare him to Levi Stubbs. And Kara tells him it was good, but not great. Kristen and I give him a 6 Spinners and a little concern from Jimmy Ruffin:

Oh, it's Allison! Kristen, who has had to keep her paws over her ears for most of the night due to excessive high-pitched shrieking, leaps to her feet and bounds to the TV to make nice with her favorite red-headed teen. Allison is singing "Papa Was a Rolling Stone" by The Temptations. Ooo. Nice opening riff. Allison is a bit mumbly with a spoken part, but wow! Once again, this young thang proves that she can, in fact, SANG! She powers her way right through to the last "Papa was a rolling.......STOOOOOOOOOOONE!" BAM! Kristen and I are on our feet and paws! Allison and Adam for Final 2! Per his usual, Randy brings up the age issue, "Just 16, but one of the dopest singers here!" Kara tells her she has a gift from God. Paula, trying to hide the mustache Simon drew on her mouth with a crayon (yes, the judges were imbeciles this evening. Why do you ask?) tells her she was awesome! Amazing! Simon says it was one of the best performances she's ever done. Kristen and I give her a 9 1/2 Jacksons and special message from Michael, himself:

Our rankings:

The Sky's The Limit:
ADAM, Allison

Riding Shotgun for now:
Matt, Anoop, Danny

Better Reach Out a bit more:
Kris, Lil

Probably Going To a Go-Go home:
Scott, Megan, Michael

Results:

36 million votes. The most ever received on Top 10 night.

Horrific Motown medley performed by top 10 made even more horrific by the fact that they are not only lip syncing, but they have pre-taped the dancing.

Ruben Studdard sweats his way through his dreary new single called "Together."

Results: Dim the lights.

Stand up Adam.

Adam, you are....hmmm. What could Adam be? Could he be....safe?

(As if we didn't see that coming by a DialIdol mile.)

Simon and Paula react to the news:

Shockingly, Matt is in the Bottom 3! Lil is aghast!

But relieved that it's Michael instead of her also moving into Bottom 3.

After this week, no one will ever accuse Lil of being a class act.

In keeping with the new tradition of creepy pairings, Smokey Robinson is
singing a duet called "You're The One For Me" with 22 year old Joss Stone. Smokey still sounds sublime, and Joss' jazzy vocals spruce up the song. Nevertheless, Kristen and I do not approve of the age-inappropriateness. What's next? Miley Cyrus and Bob Dylan crooning about a crush?

More results. Allison's safe!! Safe also are Anoop and Danny. (No suprise.) It's between Megan and Scott, and we learn Scott is in the bottom 3. Ryan escorts him to the Stools of Death.

Then, he immediately returns him to the Sofas of Safety. It's Michael and Matt in the bottom 2.

Stevie Wonder comes out and performs the best medley ever in Idol history!!

Back to results. Matt is safe. Michael will go home unless the judges decide to save him after he sings for his survival. Michael's no fool. He's well aware the magical save is being reserved for judge favorites Lil, Danny, or Adam. He goes out like a man, giving the song his all, shaking hands with the crowd. When Ryan asks the judges if they've made their decision, Simon insists they haven't decided yet. Oh, please! They pretend to debate some more, leaving the kids on the Sofas of Safety distraught with the suspense. Except Lil, of course.

Finally, Simon says a decision must be made. "Michael, you're going home." He smiles broadly, watches his vote-off package with pride. When it's all over, he shouts to the crowd, "I'm going on the tour!!" Everyone says goodbye to the Roughneck!

Except Paula who has other things on her mind.

This week, the Idols will sing Top iTunes downloads, thus forcing everyone over the age of 40 to croak, "They call this music? Why in my day...."

Check here Thursday for the review. And thanks to my partner in blogging crime, Murghi, for use of her fab screencaps. Check out Murgh's co-caps with the brilliant Shnuglet at Bored Morons.! Luvs ya! And while you're at it, check out the new season of Death of a Bromance written by yours truly.

AMERICAN IDOL TOP 11: We're Riding A Blue Train

2009-03-21T13:33:00.000-07:00

Kristen The Yellow Lab and I are shouting "HowwwwDY!" with just a wee bit of the brogue. After all, what better way to celebrate Grand Ole Opry week/St. Patrick's Day on American Idol? For, this week, the Top 11 sings the songs that honor train whistles, dead dogs, heartache, and mamas...and beer, even if it's not green.

A wee leprechaun arrives on the scene to tell us that the odds of winning Idol are now 11 to 1! Oh, wait. That's just Ryan, and he wants to wish us all a happy St. Paddy's day. To emphasize the point, the stage is suddenly alight with shamrocks bouncing to a jaunty jig, inducing inappropriately wild applause from the studio audience. (Tipping the pints a bit early, are we?) This is followed by the parade o' judges, who strut out all very Lord of the Dance at a hoe-down.

Ryan tells us that for the Grand Ole Opry theme, and the kids will be mentored by one Randy Travis. Randy's a member of the Opry, which is appropriate to the theme. But, Kristen and I don't think he's Irish.

First up is Roughneck Michael performing Garth Brook's "Ain't Goin' Down Till the Sun Comes Up." It's a gimmic song that involves reciting a long list of words in triple time while tossing in a note now and then. Michael employs the services of a harmonica player to give him an excuse to sit down, worn and out of breath. Also, it seems Michael is a skilled ventriliquist as he sings some of the song with his mouth closed. (Word on the street is that Michael has the same flu that hit Megan. Is it possible the producers let those two lip sync their performances?) It's not a great performance, but let's face it. Michael is the closest thing this show has to country this season, so he's not going anywhere this week. Randy doesn't know. Kara wanted more vocals. Paula is pleased that he let her have fun. Simon thought he might have been singing in Norwegian. Michael snips, "Well, if we were all perfect, we wouldn't be here!" Oh ho! Watch that ton of voice, young Roughneck. Just for that, Kristen and I are only going to give him 3 shamrocks and a jaunty hat. But, Johnny Paycheck is confident that performance was enough to get you on the tour.

Onto Allison Iraheta, who wears her flame-red hair to honor the day! She's performing Patty Lovelace's "Blame It On Your Heart." Kristen loves Allison's energy and romps around the television as Allison belts out "lying, cheating, cold deadbeating,Two-timing, double dealing, mean mistreating, loving heart." She's managed to stay within the genre, yet bring her own touch of rock spirit to the song. Kara says she can sing the alaphabet. (Um....??) Paula wants her to show her vulnerability. Simon thought it was bordering on precocious. Randy says it was dope! Kristen and I give her 7 shillelahs and a top of the morning to her! Opry member Reba McIntire weighs in!

Here comes Kris Allen, Teen Throb. (Married though. Kristen and I just had to rub that in what with us having to endure Michael Johns flaunting his wedding band all season last year.) Kris has chosen another Garth tune, "Make You Feel My Love." He opts to do the Adele version which is lovely and haunting, and gets lots of play on Kristen's iPod (which she lets me borrow.) He nails it. It doesn't hurt that he radiates the same kind of sweet shyness that got Jason Castro to fourth place last season. Kris might well be a dark horse for the Final 3. Paula was surprised, Simon thought it was terrific, Randy calls him Tender Dawg, and Kara insults country fans by saying she'd never even have guessed it was Opry as it was good. Kristen and I give him 9 pots o' gold and a road rising to meet him! Current country heart breaker, Dierks Bentley, agrees!

Lil Rounds is taking on Martina McBride's "Independence Day." (Hey, someone had to do it. It wouldn't be country week on AI without a power-vocaled "Let freedom riiiiiinnng!") Lil informs us that she wants to show respect for the genre by staying true to it. Remember that quote. It's going to come back to look like a dig at one of her competitors. Lil's falling short with this performance. First of all, the stylists have her dressed like a 40 year old grade school principal. Secondly, in holding back on her R&B stylings, she performs like an also-ran rather than a front runner. Randy says it was ambitious. (Huh?) Kara says it wasn't her best and wonders why she didn't sing "I Will Always Love You." (Nice stereotyping, Kara.) Paula wanted her to stick to one verse and go straight to the chorus. (Which is very astute of Paula, and I'd appreciate it if she'd knock it off. Lucid, intelligent Paula is no fun to blog.) Simon calls her "Little," and when Paula corrects him, he sniffs, "Li'l, Little. Li'l is short for Little." (Uh. Yeah, if you're Li'l Kim, SIMON.) When LILLIAN tries to correct him, Simon's not having it. "May I talk, Little?" he bullies. Just for that Kristen and I give her 8 Aye and Begorahs and a cornbeef sandwhich. Tammy Wynette knows that sometimes its hard to be a woman around the likes of Simon!

Kristen has rolled over on her back, which means Adam's entered the stage. He has chosen Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire," but is giving it a middle eastern flair, complete with sitar. In the pre-performance pack, we see Adam meeting with mentor, Randy Travis. Randy claims he doesn't know what to make of Adam because he's never seen a man wear black nail polish before. Huh. REALLY Randy? You've been in show biz HOW MANY YEARS? Adam's got his Elvis freak flying tonight, and it's pretty amazing, if Kristen and I do say so ourselves. He starts off slow and sultry (who knew Ring of Fire was such a sensuous song) and builds to a multi-octave leap. This is definitely a "loved it" or "hated it" performance and was a huge risk on Adam's part. Kara feels confused yet strangely happy. Paula compares it to Led Zeppelin's "Kashmir." (Stop making sense, Paula! You're really taking the fun out of it.) Simon says, "What. The hell. Was that. Indulgent nonsense. You better never go to Nashville." Adam informs him he has no plans to do so. Randy passionately defends Adam comparing it to something Nine Inch Nails would do. Simon smugs that country fans will hate it, and the camera pans to a slightly confused Randy Travis. "Nine Inch Nails?" he seems to be pondering. "Would those nails be covered in black polish?" Exactly one hour later, forums all across the internet go down as traffic reaches epic proportions so people can either bellow that they hate Adam for Freddy Mercurizing a sacred country song or shriek that he's the bomb - The Adam Bomb! Kristen and I loved his performance, but even if we didn't, we'd still give him 10 sparkly green top hats and a Kiss Me I'm Irish for being fearless, true to himself, and for showing off those golden pipes. Elvis weighs in!

In order to give us all time to discuss Adam's performance, the producers have thoughtfully squeezed Scott McIntyre into the mix. While we debate, Scott is apparently performing Martina McBride's "Wild Angels" in the background. It's all very "music to listen to at the optometrist's office." The issue with Scott is that he's a better pianist than he is singer. I suspect he arranges his own performances as well. Talented guy. Just not a star. Paula worries the piano is becoming a crutch. (Yes Paula. We get it. You DO know what you're talking about. Now, could you please go back to having visions and wanting to date the male contestants? The new you is kind of a snoozer, truth be told.) Simon finds Paula's comment disrespectful, and since it's HIS job to be disrespectful, he'd like her to step off. He tells Scotty he's picking the wrong songs. At any rate, Randy and Kara finally get the opportunity to speak after Simon and Paula are through pretending their bickering is sexual tension. Randy says it was aiiiight. Kara thinks he needs to up his game. Kristen and I give him 5 green beaded necklaces and a bowl of Lucky Charms. Ronnie Milsap is not so generous.

Here comes Alexis Grace dressed in black for St. Patrick's Day. She has chosen Dolly Parton's "Jolene," a song about begging an auburn-hair vixen not to steal her man, so I guess that's somewhat of a tribute to healthy Irish lasses everywhere. She starts off on the stairs, which is not a good decision. The very size of the staircase makes her look even tinier than she is, and, thus, younger. There's something not so right about a 12 year old begging another women to let her husband be. Halfway through, Alexis finds her voice and starts to blues it up a bit. But, it's too little too late. It's a rather anemic performance, and further proof that the song should only be sung by Dolly or the White Stripes. Randy says, "Not a great performance for me." Kara says, "Flat a little bit." (Not nice, Kara. Once the girl wins the competition, she can get a boob job. Until then, leave her physical deficiencies out of this.) Paula liked seeing her soft, vulnerable side. Simon didn't. "Forgettable!" he sniffs. Because Alexis looks so small and overwhelmed, we're going to give her 5 1/2 Finians Rainbows and an Erin Go Braugh!

The Widower Gokey is up performing Carrie Underwood's first big hit, "Jesus Take the Wheel." In the pre-performance pack, we see that he's so nervous, he can't remember how to sing the first few lines in front of Randy Travis. Randy Travis looks annoyed, but at least this young feller ain't wearing no black nail polish, so he'll do. It starts off a bit rough. For some reason, Danny is dressed like a giant marshmallow. Danny has a gruffness to his voice that works well when used appropriately. It's wrong for this song as it should be performed clean. In part, it's understandable why Danny chose this song as it reflects his own personal struggles as well as his faith. But, it's not a good fit. Kara says here comes Danny. Paula says, "We love it but fall a little short of appreciating it tonight." (Now, there's the Paula we love! Welcome back, girlfriend!) Simon informs him that he can't scream the song from beginning. (Well, he just did exactly that, so what do you know, Mr. Sassypants?) Randy points out that "you gotta support those verses." Kristen and I are on our 4th green beer, so we'll be generous and give danny 7 1/2 River Dances, and a blarney stone. Ricky Skaggs is in agreeance with the judges.

It's Anoop time! He's got to redeem himself from a weak performance of a bad song choice last week. Can he do it with willie Nelson's "Always On My Mind?" Oh yes he can. Kristen notes that his eyes are quite lovely what with the brown and the lashes and the pleading sorrow. It's a gorgeous rendition and he finally, FINALLY shows off his vocal skills. Excellent. Paula's in a tizzy! "Anoop's back! He's back, everybody!" she says, tears of joy welling over her dilated pupils. Simon tells him he went from zero to hero. Randy says the arrangement was dope! (Um...huh? There was nothing special about the arrangement. That's basically the way the song is sung.) Kara calls it the best performance of the night, which displeases Kristen greatly as we all know Adam had the best performance of the night - even if you weren't liking it. Kristen and I give Anoop 9 1/2 leprechaun's and a pass to all the Notre Dame football games. Trace Adkins calls it a touchdown!

Spare us. It's Megan Joy in a granny gown with her boobs looking rather "granny-ish." She's going to sing Patsy Cline's "Walkin' After Midnight" in her quirky style. It's not horrible, but her insistance on standing in one place and moving her trunk like a washing machine agitator is growing tiresome. She also seems almost incapable of keeping her eyes open, tonight. This time, when she's finished, she doesn't caw. Instead, she coughs. Repeatedly. "Feeling a little ill?" asks Randy. Kara says that not a lot of people with the flu can do what she just did. (Other than just about every single other person in show biz, KARA.) Paula tells her that if this is sick, then have at it! Simon thinks she should have flu every week. (What a pleasant suggestion, Simon!) Kristen and I aren't completely without heart, and we do understand the seriousness of flu B, so we'll give her 7 bars of Irish Spring soap and a pint or two to kill what ails her. The Opry's own Patsy Cline isn't so sympathetic.

Last of the night is Matt, performing "So Small" by Carrie Underwood. He gives it his own spin, playing the piano as he sings, and it's nice. Very nice! Kristen and I are pleased (if slightly drunk from the green beer) because we like Matt as he's practically a local boy, if living in another state can count as being local. At the same time, there's a certain level of boredom that occurs when listening to Matt. Again, he's got the skills, but does he have the star quality? He's going to have to get out from behind that piano in order to show us. Kara says, "There's nothing small about you!" (Isn't she just a walking font of double entendre jokes?) Paula tells him he's piercing so many people's hearts! Simon tells him he outsang Danny. (Which isn't that hard to do, Simon. Danny's not exactly the standard bearer for vocal skills.) Randy tells him he's got it going on, baby! Kristen and I give Matty 9 1/2 sainted mothers and a wearing of the green. The legendary Charlie Proud is pleased with Matt's performance, also.

Our picks O' the night

The outlaws: You either loved them or hated them, but they remain true to their off-the-beaten path style:

Adam, Allison, Megan

Still in The Chase: Solid performances that will keep them on top:

Kris, Danny, Lil

Not a Moment Too Soon: Saved themselves from falling to the bottom:

Anoop, Matt

Sentimentally Yours: (Resting on their laurels)

Alexis, Scott

I Don't care:

Michael

Results Night

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to a night Kristen and I like to call "Adam Intervention Night." Without actually coming out and saying so, the producers do everything in their power on this night to let Adam know he needs to dial it back a notch, or he will go home. Ryan opens the show waving the envelope containing the results and declares, "Someone will face the fire." (As in Ring of Fire, Ryan?) Ryan then goes on to gaze pointedly into the camera to tell us that the results tonight will shock us. (Shocking? Adam, Danny, or Lil in the bottom 3. And since Danny sang a song about Jesus, it ain't him.) Then, he reminds us that the judges do have the right to "save" someone, so we might be in for a surprise or two tonight.

The kids hoe-it-down to a song called "Trouble." (See there! Another clue. Adam's in trouble!)

At least they put Scott at the piano so one of the girls didn't have to lead him around this week.

Sarver is asked about the hardest part of being on the show, and he tells us it's hard to be away from his family! (Tell it to the soldiers in Iraq, roughneck.) Then, he wins the hearts and minds of the viewers by choking back sobs as he relates that his youngest came up to him after the show and asked, "Daddy? Why don't you want to live with me, anymore?" Message to Adam: This is MIDDLE American Idol, pal.

Everyone who is safe this week will be part of the American Idol Summer Tour. Ryan tells us that Danny, Lil, and Anoop better get used to sleeping on a bus because they're all safe. It's between Allison and Michael for the first spot in the bottom 3. Boo! It's Allison! She's so surprised she bellows, "Oh. My. GAWD!" Sarver takes his seat, but Ryan psyches him out. He tells him to stand up, because he's also in the bottom 3. Good. We don't want that little girl missing her daddy any longer than necessary.

Brad Paisley, looking every bit the country rodent, sends us into a coma via song.

Back to results. Guess who else made the tour? Megan. Guess why? Flu. Also, Matt, Kris, and Scott are safe and about to get some groupie action in 3 months. Adam and Alexis are asked to stand. Adam is trying to play it cool, but he knows. Yep. He knows. Maybe dressing like gay Elvis last night wasn't the best idea. Or maybe commiting a felony with his eyes is something America's not quite ready for just yet. Ryan studies them both, then says, "Adam. You.... are........ safe." Whoooooooooo! Kristen and I hug one another in relief, until we realize that means ALEXIS is in the bottom 3.

Carrie Underwood, dressed like Tammy Wynette, and Randy Travis, dressed like her grandfather, sing a love duet together. It's a pretty enough song, but there's something slightly Texas Polygamy Cult about it, what with Carrie still looking so young and tender, and Randy looking sort of creepy, to be honest.

Finally, Ryan gets to it. Going home, tonight, is Alexis, unless the judges choose to save her. Now, she must sing for her survival. It's cruel and painful to watch as the tiny girl, upset and anxious, desperately tries to pull this off. Simon gives the verdict. "It was unanimous. It was good, but not good enough. Sorry." Oh, no. We'll miss you Little Lexi!

All of the judges say farewell to one of their early favorites:

Exept Paula who has other things on her mind:

Some guy named Obama thinks he's more important than American Idol, so the performance show will air on Wednesday with results on Thursday. This week, the kids put their spin on MoTown. Hitsville, baby! See ya' there!